


The Car Crash Club

by error404_happinessnotfound



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Childhood Trauma, Flashbacks, Grooming, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Parent/Child Incest, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Repressed Memories, Therapy, Unreliable Narrator, child grooming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 47
Words: 44,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24866005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/error404_happinessnotfound/pseuds/error404_happinessnotfound
Summary: Hyungwon's family dies in a car accident, and it's only his strange new friendship with Jooheon that begins to help him recover.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

He woke up after the accident to the beeping of a heart monitor.

Sometimes, he could still hear it.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

Hyungwon jolted awake, fist clenched above his alarm clock, gasping for breath.

He set his hand down gently, silencing the device, before looking around his room. A small night light shaped like a goldfish was plugged into the far outlet, giving off just enough illumination to make out where one wall ended and another began. He'd never slept with a night light before; they'd bothered him, kept him from sleeping. But he didn't much enjoy sleeping these days, anyway.

He dragged his hands down over his face, finger pads walking over raised bumps. His face would heal, they'd told him. His body would heal. Other things, not so much.

His fingers tensed, stopping at the ridge of another scar. He wanted to dig his nails into the raw skin there, wanted to dig in and rip at the seams holding his face together.

But he set his hands down on top of the duvet and waited a moment.

He used to pray every morning. His family wasn't religious. He wasn't sure how exactly he'd fallen into a belief his family didn't share, but they'd never stopped him. But now, even when he folded his hands, nothing came to mind. Nothing to pray for.

No one to pray for.

He set his hands back down, palms gliding over the smooth fabric. He knew that if he looked closely, he'd see blood still caked beneath his finger nails. They'd tried to scrub it off. The first few nights out of the hospital, he'd tried, too. But it had stayed. Another reminder. Not that he needed more.

He got out of bed and headed into the bathroom. He turned the water on and stepped under the shower head. It took him a few minutes to realize that it was running cold water, but when he put his hand on the handle to turn up the temperature, he stopped, realizing that there was no point in doing so. He turned off the water instead.

He stepped out of the shower without ever having even touched the soap, and he stopped on the bath rug, realizing he'd forgotten to bring a change of clothes.

He grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist before stepping out into the cool hallway. Goosebumps formed on his arms as he walked down to his room, water dripping everywhere and wet footprint silhouettes following him. Water ran down from his hair, falling into his eyes and running down the back of his neck before eventually being absorbed by the towel. He threw on an outfit, colors flashing in front of his eyes but not registering in his brain. He stepped outside the room before turning and walking back in, picking up the towel he'd dropped on the floor and tossing it into the hamper. He was supposed to keep his room clean, or someone would yell at him. Someone...

He left the room.

—

The walk was long. Half an hour there, half an hour back. He'd originally planned on going to a prestigious university several hours away, but that had changed like everything else. The local university was close enough that Hyungwon could keep living in his home and walk to class on weekdays.

The music was loud in his ears. Therapists and psychologists and whatever they were called kept telling him about the "transformative powers of music" and how it might help him somehow. He'd flipped through genres, the music getting louder and angrier with each new addition, but it still didn't have the effect he thought they'd wanted. It just made his world noisier, which he supposed was okay. Things had gotten too quiet recently.

He fingered his face mask, pulling it up a little higher up on his face before tugging his hood forward to hide the top half of his face in shadow. He used to be proud of his face. Grades, he'd always had to work for. But he'd been blessed with beauty, as his mom had told him when he was growing up.

He gave the hood another tug.

He arrived at the campus and spent the first hour trying to figure out where things were while he missed his first class. He walked in several minutes early to the second one, taking a seat in the far back where people would be unlikely to notice him or attempt to talk with him. The clock hit the hour, and the professor entered the room along with a few out-of-breath students.

Hyungwon sat still. Didn't listen. And when everyone else got up to leave, he did too. And he went to another room, and sat in another seat near the back, and he didn't listen then either.

Eventually he went home.

He went to sleep.

And then did the whole thing over again.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hyungwon?"

Hyungwon stared down at the ball of yarn in his hands. It was soft. He could turn it over and over in his hands endlessly. It helped pass the time.

"Hyungwon, have you gotten involved in your college community?" his therapist asked him, leaning forward.

"I'm going to class."

"Besides that."

He flicked his eyes up at her before looking back down at the yarn, slipping his thumb under one of the strings. "No."

"Hyungwon," she said, followed by a pause that he knew was a withheld sigh. She didn't want to sigh; it would convey disappointment in him, in his lack of progress, and she wasn't there to be disappointed in him but rather to help him, so there were such occasions where she had to swallow her sighs for his sake. He recognized this as one of those times. "I really think it'll be good for you to get engaged with your community. It's part of your progress."

"Well maybe I'm just not progressing," he mumbled, slipping another finger under the thread. There was an odd aura around the therapist's office. He felt almost compelled to be honest, and yet he was reluctant to attend their sessions. He wanted to be left alone, but he knew that it would be harmful for him to not have any human contact whatsoever. Despite the conflicting thoughts that plagued him, he always showed up for his appointment, and he kept to a reasonable degree of honesty. He had no real reason to lie, and so few people to talk to.

"But you are," she insisted. He knew that he was supposed to be happy, that progress was good, but it felt wrong, somehow. That he could move past this. Like it had occupied a spot on his calendar, but the year had changed and he'd moved on to a new one.

He couldn't just move on.

"You're doing great, Hyungwon. You're almost fully recovered-"

The scars on his face burned in memory of long nights in the hospital. He heard the gurgling of blood caught in Mi-Yeon's throat. Two machines beeping, then just one.

"-and you're doing so well, you're going to school and taking care of yourself and that's a great thing."

Hyungwon shrugged, removing his fingers from the yarn and instead crushing it between his hands. The material was soft against his skin. He released the pressure after a moment, and the yarn rebounded back out to its full shape.

"The next step is for you to meet people, make some friends. Be more open with yourself."

One of her rules that she'd implemented over a month ago was that he couldn't wear his face mask or hood during their sessions. It made him uncomfortable, knowing that she could see the mess that was his face, that she had to look at him for an hour a week and pretend like he was a normal human being. And yet she always met his eyes.

It was something he didn't appreciate in the moment, but he thought he would in the future.

"I don't want to make friends," he responded, unwinding the end of the yarn, the free string growing longer with each revolution he made.

"Why not?" she asked him, and by the way her voice had softened, he could tell that his answer would be psychoanalyzed.

If he said that he wanted to be left alone, she'd take it that he was too afraid to be hurt again by losing someone else. And if he said that he hated people, she'd take it that he was projecting his own anger and sense of unfairness on the rest of the world. Any answer would reveal that he wasn't okay, and that was fine because it was the truth, but he didn't like the feeling of being decoded.

He shrugged, buying time as he let the yarn unwind a while longer, keeping his eyes down on the thread spooling at his fingertips. "I just don't want to," he said after a minute. "I don't have any interest."

"All right," she said after a moment, sensing that he wouldn't give her a better answer just yet. He didn't even know if he had one. He just knew that he didn't want to be around other people. "Then, can you tell me this? What's your purpose in going to college?"

He looked up at her, surprised, the yarn falling out of his hand and coming further undone. He felt a brief jolt as they locked eyes, and then he looked down, grabbing the yarn up and muttering an apology as he quickly began wrapping the thread back around.

"Hyungwon? You don't have to worry about that, okay? Just- what's your goal for college?"

"I don't have a goal or a purpose," he said, winding the string faster still in agitation. "You told me to jump back into a normal life. You said that I should try college, so I'm trying it," he said sharply, not looking back up.

"Okay, Hyungwon. I'm sorry if I upset you," she said softly, and he knew she was trying to calm him down subliminally but it worked anyway. He felt his muscles loosening, his breathing slowing. "I just- I want to know what's propelling you forward. Besides me, and I'm only trying to push you to do things to help you recover," she said, her voice still soft and perfectly gentle.

"Nothing's propelling me forward," he said, his voice soft and even as he finished rewrapping the yarn. He set it down on the table, but his hands immediately felt restless, so he picked it back up, rolling the ball between his right palm and his left. "I'm just moving forward, tripping and falling but the momentum keeps me moving in the same direction. I just want..." He paused, stopping the ball in his right palm.

"What do you want, Hyungwon?"

"I just want to stop," he said, setting the yarn back down on the table, only this time, he didn't pick it back up, just stared at it.

"I think that's good for today."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	3. Chapter 3

Hyungwon and Mi-Yeon had had a secret knock. _Da da da da, da da_. Like the trumpet fanfare for a cavalry charge - brave and triumphant.

When he heard the rhythm, he fell out of bed.

Then he was shoving off the ground, flying out of his room, hitting the opposite wall but pushing off of that, too, lunging toward the door, fumbling with the lock, throwing it open-

The man's eyes met his for a moment, but then they dipped down, taking in his marred face, and it was in this long moment that Hyungwon, who had frozen just inside the door frame, came to the realization that it hadn't been Mi-Yeon knocking at all.

He threw a hand up over the bottom half of his face, taking a step back into the shadowy interior of the apartment as he used the other hand to yank his hood up over his head.

"Chae Hyungwon?" the man asked, his voice cold, clinical. He'd gotten over whatever shock he had received upon seeing Hyungwon for the first time.

"Who are you?"

The man held out his hand, but Hyungwon didn't shake it. The man paused a moment, retracting his hand before slipping a business card out of his pocket and extending it to Hyungwon. He stepped forward to grab the card before stepping back once more.

"I'm from your family's insurance company, and I'm representing you in legal proceedings," the man announced as Hyungwon read the information from the card. "As your attorney, it's my job to allocate blame to the other party and gather evidence to make claims for property damage and personal injury. I've tried calling periodically over the last few months, but you were still hospitalized then, and I tried calling again within the last few weeks, but you never picked up or contacted me."

"I'm sorry," Hyungwon mumbled compulsively, and his hand tightened around the business card. "But I'm not-"

"We can definitely get your hospital bills covered," the attorney continued. "Maybe even some of your college. Maybe all of it. I-deally," he said with a heavy sigh, "we would have begun this process a while back, but due to the issues in communication, we're just going to have to get to work now. Which means I'll need to record your testimony about the accident. That always does well in court, and it'll help me figure out where else to focus my investigation. Any questions?"

"Hold on," Hyungwon said, his voice a bit louder this time. "Testify? About the accident?"

The attorney nodded before his eyes flicked down to his watch. "Listen, I don't really have time to be making house calls, okay? So in the future, I'm going to need you to pick up your phone or at the very least, check your voicemails and get a hold of me as soon as you can. I'll be calling you soon about your story."

"My story?"

"I have to go," he said, turning before gesturing to the slip of paper in Hyungwon's hand. "You have my number. Call me if you need anything. If you can't reach me, call my secretary and leave a message. I'll be in touch."

And then the man who had knocked like Mi-Yeon but was not Mi-Yeon was gone.

And that was correct, of course that was correct, because Mi-Yeon was dead and how could he have forgotten that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	4. Chapter 4

The weekend passed in another haze. In his first few weeks home from the hospital, Hyungwon had gone through a somewhat rebellious phase. He'd done everything he hadn't been allowed to do - stayed up late playing video games, ate food in the living room, rented movies from streaming services. The metaphorical of throwing a middle finger to the universe. To God, maybe. But it had been empty. Meaningless. There was no fun to be had. Everything he had done was saddled with the uncomfortable reminder that, for the first time in his whole life, he was truly alone.

There had been a few calls from family in the beginning. A concerned aunt from somewhere who hadn't seen him since he'd only been as tall as her waist.

So he just unplugged the phone.

***

Hyungwon skipped his Monday classes, partially because he didn't feel like going, and also because he'd turned off his cell phone (and hence, his alarm) immediately after meeting his attorney.

Tuesday he went to class, also somewhat incidentally because he woke up naturally on time and decided that he wanted to get out of the house for a bit. He got up, showered, and dressed. He turned his phone back on for the first time in several days and didn't bother checking his messages. 

He paused by the door, considering whether or not to turn off the goldfish night light, but he left it on and exited the apartment.

***

He had to check his schedule again and found out that he had a writing class today. As with before, he took the seat furthest from the door, but unlike last time, he actually paid (some) attention.

The class was writing, and the expectations were high, the professor explained to the class. Their first paper would be a narrative. They couldn't write the same cliché essays everyone before them had written - the "Big Game" paper about their grand athletic victory, why student athletes should be paid, why alcohol is actually healthy for you, etc. She wanted more from them. She wanted them to dig deeper, to scoop out their beating hearts and shove the visceral organs into a word editor of their choice. And out with it, five to eight pages of unique intimacy.

That's about when Hyungwon stopped paying attention.

***

His next class was another gen ed requirement on the history of somewhere, he didn't remember. He started for his usual seat but realized that it was occupied by a group of athletes, so he claimed the corner opposite them instead, keeping to the back of the room. Their conversation filtered over to him, something about rushing a certain fraternity. To be fair, Hyungwon knew absolutely nothing about fraternities, only that television portrayed them as gateways to bad decisions. Apparently, according to the discussion they were having, some fraternities were more selective, and you had to be "tapped" to join.

At one point in their conversation, they paused, and Hyungwon felt like they were looking over at him, like they'd caught him listening in (which, arguably, he had been), and he did his best to stay still and just look down at his desk. He was invisible. He was nobody. He was nothing.

Then the weight lifted off him, and their conversation resumed. He breathed out unsteadily. He hadn't had a normal conversation with a single person - outside of his therapist and his attorney - since he'd left the hospital, and most of the conversations there had just been him asking for more pain medication.

But it seemed like he wouldn't have to make any conversation today. The professor entered the class and announced that they'd be continuing their historical study of Western civilization with an overview of the United States.

***

The overheard conversation was forgotten from his mind, all until a day during the next week where he opened his backpack to find a sheet of paper.

**_You've been tapped for Tri Chi!_ **

****

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	5. Chapter 5

_The air was thick and warm, a nauseating combination. Hyungwon, sitting in the back, wanted to crack a window a bit, but he didn't want to wake up Mi-Yeon. The car bumped several times as they drove over uneven pavement before settling back into the familiar rhythm. Mrs. Chae hummed a soft melody as she watched the scenery pass beyond the narrow view of her window. The tune was familiar, but Hyungwon couldn't place it._

_"Father?"_

_The tune grew louder and fuzzier, like the whine from a bad stereo, and it seemed to overwhelm the entire car._

_"What's that?" Mr. Chae asked, looking slightly to his right before flicking his eyes up to the rear view mirror to meet Hyungwon's._

_The tune cut out. All sound cut out._

_"Did you know that you're going to die?"_

Hyungwon awoke. It was a sudden occurrence; one moment, he was in the car, sitting next to Mi-Yeon, talking to his father for the last time. Then he wasn't. Asleep, then not. His father - alive, then not.

Hyungwon got up, blinking the memory out of his eyes, trying to push it out of his head. His eyes caught on the goldfish night light, and he hesitated.

But then he continued on, stepping into the shower. He remembered to actually use soap this time. Shampoo, too.

And when he got out of the shower, he realized that he'd forgotten a towel.

\--

Breakfast was the same as always in that it wasn't. Hyungwon had never eaten breakfast, or at least, not willingly (and certainly never by his own influence). His mother had often forced him to take something with him to eat on the way.

He hadn't eaten breakfast in months.

\--

The walk to campus was normal. He'd skipped another few days of classes, but once he left his apartment, he fell back into the usual route. That was weird, somehow...the notion that he was developing new routines. He knew that the world kept spinning even after horrible accidents like what had happened to his family, but he hadn't expected to be swept up into it so soon. It seemed, for a moment, like it would be so easy, to just forget, to move on.

He turned abruptly, skipping the intersection he usually crossed and turning right instead, away from campus. He detoured for several blocks before heading back in the right direction, this time approaching campus from a different angle.

He was five minutes late to class, but he felt like he'd won over something, if only just for today.

\--

He didn't know why he bothered to go to his classes at all. He didn't pay attention. He didn't do the work. He didn't talk to anyone.

He thought that maybe he would just stop coming entirely.

Yes, that sounded rather nice.

He got up to leave as the class ended, but someone's arm was thrown around his shoulder.

"Hey, Hyungwon, right? Chae Hyungwon?"

Hyungwon looked to his left, his lip curling as he prepared to tell whoever it was to just leave him the hell alone, but the boy had already started talking again.

"I gave you an invite, but you never showed up. How come?"

Hyungwon blinked, still upset but more confused now, too much so to just tell the kid to fuck off. "What invite? What are you talking about? Why do you know me?"

The kid scoffed, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "Tri Chi! I tapped you to join, even put an invite in your backpack, and you totally blew us off!"

The name sounded vaguely familiar, but Hyungwon still wasn't following. "I don't know what you're talking about, now can you let go of me and-"

"No way, come on, I'm just going to bring you to the club once. You hate it, you never have to come back, okay? Just give it a chance, all right? Everyone's cool, you'll see."

The paper surfaced in his mind suddenly, but Hyungwon didn't particularly care what he'd been tapped for or invite to, he just wanted to leave. "I don't want to-"

"Sweet, come on, right this way," the kid interrupted. Hyungwon clenched his fists but allowed the kid to tug him through the hallway. His arm was still firm around Hyungwon, forcing him to bend his head and shorten his steps to stop the kid from hurting his neck. They went down the stairs, another awkward struggle of coordination, and into basement of the building, opening the first door on the right. "Welcome to Tri Chi," he said with a big grin, releasing Hyungwon at last.

Hyungwon scowled at him before looking around, his eyes passing quickly over the other guys in the room because he wasn't too keen on making eye contact. As for the room itself, it just looked like a normal, unused classroom, although a beaten-up piano was standing haphazardly in one corner adjacent to a worn drum set.

"What the hell is this, jazz band?" Hyungwon snapped, turning to glare back at the guy who had lead him in, but he was already walking past him. Hyungwon's eyes tracked him across the room as he high-fived one of the other guys before settling down behind the drum set, rolling his shoulders once before thumping the bass drum a few times.

"Not a jazz band, a fraternity," one of the boys said, and Hyungwon looked over at him, frowning. The boy looked sincere, which made Hyungwon distrust him more. He shifted weight between his feet, looking away to break the momentary eye contact. The door was behind him, and nobody was in his way. He could just leave.

"Welcome to Tri Chi," another member said, this one giving him a welcome smile, and his next words held Hyungwon in place. "The Car Crash Club."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	6. Chapter 6

Hyungwon blinked, his mouth falling open slightly, the roof growing dry as he tried to process. The room was quiet as they all watched him, and he was met with the sudden uninvited image of an ant being studied beneath a magnifying glass. "What- is this-" He hesitated, a ringing sound echoing through his ears. "Is this some sort of fucking joke-"

"Not a joke," one of them spoke quickly, standing up with his hands raised defensively, but he stopped in place when he noticed Hyungwon's tense posture. "We've all been in a crash before."

Hyungwon's eyes narrowed. They all looked fine. Better than fine, even. They looked like magazine models, sitting awkwardly in old wooden desks. "I don't know why the hell you're dragging me into this but it's not fucking funny, okay, and-"

"Winter, two years ago," the same boy interrupted, his eyes shining somewhat desperately as though he realized that Hyungwon was just seconds from walking away. "I was driving home from visiting my parents, and my girlfriend was in the car with me. My car slipped on the ice, flew straight into an intersection," he rushed out, and now Hyungwon realized that he wasn't holding his hands up to be nonthreatening.

He was showing Hyungwon his scars.

The light caught on one of them that ran across his right palm. It could be mistaken for a natural marking, only this line told not the future but the past. Hyungwon's own scars seemed to burn in response, and he winced involuntarily.

"I got hit by oncoming traffic. Broke my arm, a few ribs. My girlfriend...she didn't make it." The boy let out a breath, sensing that Hyungwon was considering his words. It was clear that there was more to the story, but nothing he was willing to share at the moment. "So, not a joke. I swear. I'm Hyunwoo," he said, pausing before extending a hand.

Hyungwon stared at the shiny scar for a moment before joining Hyunwoo's hand with his own, shaking once before letting his arm drop back to his side. It wasn't really that he wanted to shake hands, but he felt like it would make things even more uncomfortable if he ignored it. "I'm sorry that happened but I don't what that has to do with me."

"Fall recruitment," the boy from earlier said, tapping the drumsticks together in a staccato rhythm. "We needed to tap a few new members to keep our club going. And you sort of fit the bill."

"The bill?" Hyungwon repeated, frowning. His eyes hardened as he caught the boy's meaning, and any feelings of sympathy he'd felt for Hyunwoo melted like snowflakes on his scarred fingertips. "You mean because I was in a crash. That's why you dragged me here? You're hunting down car crash victims? How sick can you be?"

"I was doing you a favor," the kid snapped, crossing his arms, the drumsticks running parallel to his left bicep. "You don't want to be here, leave. Go have fun in a world with no one to care about you and no one who can possibly understand a fraction of what you feel."

"Jooheon, relax." The new speaker was a boy with fluffy hair and energetic eyes. From Hyungwon's momentary impression, it seemed to him that the boy had too much life crammed inside him, and it made Hyungwon uncomfortable. "I'm Minhyuk. And I think what Jooheon's trying to say is that everyone here understands what it's like to be in your situation. We've all been there before, in one way or another. And we've all gotten through it, or if not, we're getting there. And we can help you get through it, too."

Hyungwon ground his teeth, wanting to speak but wanting to be invisible and silent at the same time. Sure, he felt bad for the one kid, Hyunwoo. But from what he'd said, it had sounded like he had lost just one important person, not all of them at once. They couldn't understand Hyungwon. They were sad, maybe, but not in the same way he was. They wanted to move on.

He didn't want to.

"You don't have to decide anything right now," another one of them spoke up.

He looked nice and friendly, too. Was probably hiding scars, if Hyunwoo's story was anything like the rest of theirs. But he didn't look sad. Didn't look like his whole world had shattered. He looked like he'd maybe busted a taillight once. Not like his whole family had died in the span of a single day.

That was what had been bothering Hyungwon all this time.

They all looked happy.

They claimed to be victims, and yet they all looked fine. Like nothing had happened at all.

Like the other people in the car had never existed.

Hyungwon shook his head, opening his mouth but realizing that he didn't really have anything to respond to, to refute.

"Like I said, you don't have to-"

"No," Hyungwon interrupted, his voice coming out sharp. He flinched at his own tone, but he clenched his fists within his pockets.

"Just take some time to-"

"No, I'm not interested," Hyungwon cut off once more, taking a step back toward the door. His eyes flicked from one boy to another, each of them staring back at him like he was weird, like he was a shiny, broken toy.

An ant under a magnifying glass.

"I'm not interested," he repeated one last time.

He waited a second for someone to stop him, but the five of them just sort of nodded and shrugged among themselves.

So he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	7. Chapter 7

Hyungwon walked to his therapist's office. His appointments were on Thursdays, and today was Thursday. But more than that, he felt like he needed someone to talk to, to try and make sense of everything.

Had it really been a prank after all? But why would they have gone to such lengths for someone they didn't know? Kids could be mean, but it just seemed too odd for it to have been some sort of elaborate plan.

So maybe they were telling the truth then. But why make a club like that in the first place? Hyungwon paused at the intersection as the walk sign changed to red. He was...angry, he thought. It had been a while since he'd felt the more precise emotions besides general sadness and numbness. His head felt clearer, somehow. Like he was waking up from something.

He didn't know if he liked it.

It had been easier when he'd felt nothing, hopelessness choking out every hour of the day. He hadn't needed to think, then. There hadn't been any questions. But now his head was entangled in webs of confusion.

Why had he walked out? What would have happened if he had stayed? Would they have let him in? Would they have become friends?

Something dark and ugly settled in his stomach. It was a familiar guilt, the guilt that made him question why he should be allowed to have friends, why he should be allowed to enjoy even a moment, why he should be alive when his whole family was dead.

He didn't deserve friends.

He didn't deserve happiness.

He didn't deserve life.

The walk sign changed, signaling him forward, and he crossed the intersection.

He needed someone's help to make all of his thoughts go away.

\--

The door was locked, and there was no golden rectangle of light spilling out from beneath the door.

Hyungwon didn't know what to do. This had never happened before.

He tried the knob once more before fumbling in his backpack and finding his phone lodged in between several notebooks. He extracted it and held the power button down for a moment. Maybe she'd pushed back their appointment for today, although he wouldn't have known since he'd had his phone turned off for the better part of a week now.

The screen lit up before asking him to enter his pass code, and then he was in. He winced as he saw 18 call notifications, but he went ahead and opened the app anyway. As expected, he saw two calls from his therapist enveloped within 14 calls from a law firm. Two unknown calls were listed at the top with voice mails, but he ignored them, opening up his therapist's instead.

He put the phone up against his ear, biting his lip. This was odd. This was strange. His routine was being broken, again. It made his uneasy.

_"Hi Hyungwon, I'm so sorry about this, a family emergency came up and I'm going to have to cancel this week's appointment, again, I'm so sorry, please call me if you need anything in the meantime and..."_

Hyungwon slowly pulled the phone away from his ear. He could hear the rest of the voicemail playing out in tinny sound waves too far from his ear to decipher. It was strange. Strange that he was disappointed, strange that he'd thought that he could rely on someone, strange that he'd forgotten for a moment that he had no one.

He put the phone in his pocket, the weight somehow unfamiliar in his hand. He guessed...he should probably go home.

His routine was off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	8. Chapter 8

Hyungwon took a wandering path home, going up streets he usually didn't and eventually winding up at his front door. It was later than he'd registered; at some point, the sun had gone down, and the world was living in that murky twilight before night set in. He'd left his therapist's office around four when the sun was still high in the sky, but more time must have passed than he'd realized.

He opened the door, shutting it behind him, and turned to look at the dark interior of the house. The switch was just beside the door frame, but he didn't flick it. Instead, he moved forward through the darkness, his body instinctively knowing where each corner lay as he navigated through the kitchen and living room, making his way towards the bedrooms. He stopped in the doorway of his own, a hand on the frame as though stopping himself from entering. The bed was still unmade, the laundry piling up in the bin in the corner. And there on the wall, the only sign of life, Mi-Yeon's nightlight.

Hyungwon decided on a whim that he didn't want to sleep in his room that night. He only ventured inside to grab the nightlight, unplugging it from the wall, and he brought it with him into the living room, which was still dark. He plugged the nightlight into the wall socket, and a small, intimate glow distinguished the surrounding shadows. Instead of feeling lifeless, the room now felt almost cozy. He grabbed all the blankets from the room and tossed them on the couch.

He liked blankets, not necessarily so much for warmth, but for weight. He liked the feeling of being weighed down. He couldn't really describe why. When he slept with only one blanket, he felt restless and couldn't sleep. With the added weight of more blankets, he felt more at ease, like someone was holding him, even though he hated sharing a bed with others. When he and Mi-Yeon were little, they'd shared a bed for a bit, and he'd often had a hard time falling asleep because the sound of someone else's even, sleeping breaths creeped him out. That, and he couldn't sleep without total darkness, so Mi-Yeon's nightlight had kept him up.

Once he'd gathered them all on the couch, he headed back upstairs to go to the bathroom. He paused at the medicine cabinet, staring at the multiple prescription bottles for a CHAE HYUNGWON that lined the shelf. Some analgesics to take as needed, some anti-depressants that he was supposed to take every night. A few other miscellaneous pills that were, in short, supposed to make him a happy and functional member of society once more. He grabbed a bottle of soporific pills, meant to induce sleep, and shook two out into his hand, putting the bottle back on the shelf and using water from the sink to swallow them. He winced as the bitter aftertaste of Alprazolam tinged his mouth, and he swallowed a little more water to get rid of it.

Hyungwon stared at the other pills a moment longer before shutting the medicine cabinet, avoiding his reflection in the mirror. He brushed his teeth and returned to the couch, crawling under the five or six blankets he'd collected, and he stared at the nightlight for a few moments before tucking his head down and letting the world disappear for a while

\--

The days passed by in a dark blur, and it was Thursday again before he realized any time had passed at all. He couldn't remember if he'd been eating or what he'd done since last Thursday. He didn't remember ever leaving the house. But he couldn't clearly remember going into the kitchen, either. He knew he must have at some point, but he felt too disoriented to specifically recall when or for what. He only knew it was Thursday because he'd decided, for a reason he could no longer remember, to turn his phone on. And he only knew a week had passed because the date had flashed on his home screen. He'd had to check his call history to make sure that the voicemail from his therapist had indeed been from last week, which it had.

As usual, he ignored the series of missed calls and messages.

This had happened before, this lapse of time that he couldn't place. It usually happened when he forgot to take some of his pills (or chose not to) or when he took too many at once. Sometimes, a few hours would pass, and when he'd eventually come to, he'd realize that he didn't know what had occurred during the four hours that the clock had registered. Sometimes, a few days. But never this long before.

If he hadn't felt so numb, he might have felt worried. As it was, he didn't feel anything.

In his confused state, it took him a full five minutes to register what he'd thought was a meaningless background noise as persistent knocking. He tensed, drawing the nest of blankets closer before realizing that the noise wasn't going to go away on its own, and that the sooner he got up and made it stop, the sooner he could return to a paralytic sleep.

He got up stiffly, his limbs heavy and cumbersome beneath him as he made his way to the door. He paused, wishing belatedly for a hood to cover his face, but he didn't feel like going all the way back to his room, not when the knocking was so loud and abrasive this close. He opened the door a sliver, standing far enough back that his face was cloaked in shadows from the house that hadn't seen a light switch flicked on in over a week.

A fist slid against the door as though having been caught mid-knock. "Oh, hey, Hyungwon, is that you?" someone asked from the other side of the door, and the tone struck Hyungwon as familiar, though he couldn't place it right away.

"Why," Hyungwon asked, his voice low and rough from disuse.

"It's me, Jooheon. From school. Our teacher wanted someone to check in on you since you haven't showed up to class for a week and I sort of volunteered...Can I come in?"

"No. Please stop knocking," Hyungwon said before shutting the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	9. Chapter 9

Hyungwon stared at the door for a second before turning around, planning on returning to his pile of blankets on the couch, when the knocking resumed, louder than before. Hyungwon lasted all of two seconds before he threw open the door.

"I thought I asked you to-"

"Nice house," Jooheon said, immediately slipping past Hyungwon and into the interior, and Hyungwon just stared at him for a long second before shutting the door and following him. "Although it's really fucking dark, can you turn on a light or something?"

"If you can't see, you can always leave," Hyungwon retorted shortly, and Jooheon just laughed before running his hand over the wall.

"You don't have to be so crabby about it just because I-" He paused as his hand hit a switch and he grinned, flicking the lights on.

Hyungwon stumbled back, the sudden burst of light searing his eyes, and he threw a hand in front of his face. "Can you turn that off-"

"Hey, you look horrible," Jooheon said, his voice sounding concerned as he drew closer, but all Hyungwon could feel was the burning of the scars against his skin.

"Get the fuck out," he snapped, turning away from Jooheon so he wouldn't be seen.

"No, I don't mean- Hyungwon, I didn't mean like that," Jooheon amended, his palms up defensively as he took a step back. "You're just really pale and thin. You don't look healthy. Have you slept lately?"

"I slept for a week. That should be plenty."

"That can't be good either. Have you been eating?"

Hyungwon's stomach clenched both in pain at mention of food and in anger. Who was this kid to trespass into his house and smother him with questions? "I don't know, can you just leave-"

"You don't know?" Jooheon trailed off, and Hyungwon got the feeling like Jooheon wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, so he purposefully took several steps away. "Hyungwon...are you...are you okay?"

"Fucking fantastic. Now, the door is that way-" Hyungwon said, pointing. "Or should I draw you a map?" He risked a glare over at Jooheon, his stomach lurching as he saw Jooheon's eyes fall upon his marred face.

Jooheon just stood there for a long moment before turning, not toward the door, but toward the kitchen. He started opening cabinets seemingly at random and rummaging through the contents.

"Hey, what are you-" Hyungwon said, the anger immediately dissipating into confusion as he moved to the very edge of the kitchen, hovering in the door frame. "-doing?"

"Cooking you something," Jooheon muttered. "You look like a skeleton right now."

Hyungwon frowned, wrapping his arms around himself as he suddenly felt very insecure and hollow. "You don't have to do that."

"Obviously I don't have to. And truth be told, I'm not that great of a cook so don't get unrealistically high expectations about this," Jooheon told Hyungwon, a hand resting on his hip before he turned back to the cupboards. "Now, if I were a pot, where would I be?" he said to himself.

Hyungwon hesitated for several long moments before pointing to the right cabinet.

Jooheon just gave him a nod and a small smile before getting to work. The kitchen had a counter running along the wall and a parallel one serving as a bar, and Hyungwon went to his room to grab a sweatshirt, throwing the hood up over his head before taking a seat at the bar and watching Jooheon cook. Twenty minutes later, Jooheon slid across a bowl across the counter to Hyungwon, giving him a stern look to persuade him to eat.

Hyungwon began chewing slowly, not really tasting much because he hadn't eaten in a while. Or because it was incredibly bland.

"I don't know all of what's going on," Jooheon began, leaning on his side of the counter. "Or how bad it's been for you, or all the hurt you've been through. We've all had different experiences so I won't pretend that I know exactly what you're going through. But I've experienced something similar, and...Hyungwon...please believe me when I say that it only gets worse when you isolate yourself. You need to get out there and be with people in order to recover. That's why I really think that it would be good for you to give Tri Chi another chance. I promise you that it'll help you, Hyungwon."

Hyungwon stirred the soupy mixture slowly, watching as the curve of his spoon split the broth in half. "You're right," he said, still staring down at the bowl.

Jooheon's eyebrows darted up in surprise. "I am, really? So you'll come to Tri Chi?"

"No, I'm not coming to your club. You were right when you said you're not a very good cook," Hyungwon finished, looking up and meeting Jooheon's eyes.

Jooheon deflated slightly before releasing a breathy laugh. "Well, you got me there."

"But thank you," Hyungwon said softly, looking down once more. "For the meal. And..." For stopping by to check on me. But Hyungwon couldn't say the words, so he just gave a small nod.

Jooheon seemed to understand and returned his nod with a smile. "Any time. For real, I mean it." He paused, running his hand along the edge of the counter and picking up a lone pen, twirling it between his fingers. "Do you want my number? In case you need to contact me for anything?"

Hyungwon felt like accepting his offer would come along with an expectation that Hyungwon would actually use it, and he wasn't planning to. He also wasn't particularly fond of the insinuation that Hyungwon needed help from some random classmate. "No, I don't need it."

"Great, here it is," Jooheon said, ignoring his rejection and sliding over a small piece of paper with his number scribbled on it, dropping the pen back on the counter. Hyungwon stared at the piece of paper, not picking it up, and through the paper he could see the faint outline of a coupon on the other side. "I respond to texts faster than calls because I let everything go to voicemail unless I recognize the number. And on the weekends, don't call before 12 because I definitely won't be up. But other than that I'm pretty free. And you can call me for anything, okay? School stuff, advice, if you just want to cry, whatever, it's all good."

Hyungwon stared at the digits before looking up at Jooheon. "Okay but I'm not going to call you, so don't expect anything."

"Right," Jooheon said with a wink that made Hyungwon feel like they were part of some shared secret joke. "I'll be looking forward to that not happening."

"I'm really not going to call."

"Got it," Jooheon said with another wink.

"I won't. For real."

"Sure thing," Jooheon said as he grabbed his stuff and gave Hyungwon a wave and a smirk before heading for the door. There was a soft snick as it shut behind him, and Hyungwon just sat in the reborn silence of his house for a moment before getting up and locking the door. His hand hovered over the light switch, wanting to make everything dark again, but as his fingers brushed against the plastic covering, he decided to leave the lights on. He cast a longing glance towards the couch, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep, but he needed to clean all the dishes Jooheon had created (and conveniently ignored).

Hyungwon's eyes caught on the piece of paper abandoned on the counter, and despite himself, he might have smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	10. Chapter 10

Since it was already Thursday, Hyungwon didn't feel like there was much point in showing up to class on Friday when he'd already missed the whole week, so he stayed home. But he started taking his medication again and actually made a small meal or two, so there was a noticeable difference from before.

He'd left his phone on, too. He usually turned it off to avoid having to deal with anyone, but he'd decided to leave it on for some reason. He still watched calls come in and ignored them, letting them head straight to voicemail, but it was improvement, maybe.

He didn't care about all the missed calls from the insurance agency, but he did feel a little bit bad about the several missed calls from his therapist. Hyungwon decided to call her, but then he felt awkward because he didn't know if she had another client. He waited until 5:30 - hopefully after she was done working - and then he was about to call when he suddenly realized that he'd be calling her when she was off work and didn't need to put up with him. He debated back and forth about which was worse - bothering her during her free time or bothering her when she was with a client on Monday - and when his finger accidentally hit the call button, he tensed before putting the phone up to his ear, the decision apparently made.

"Hyungwon? Is that you?" she answered just after the first ring had stopped, almost like she'd been waiting at the phone.

He felt bad, again. "Hi," he said shortly, not really sure what to say now that she was on the line.

But he really didn't need to worry because she lead the conversation. "I felt so bad last week when I had to cancel our appointment, and then I got really worried when you didn't make the appointment yesterday. Are you doing all right? Is everything okay?"

Hyungwon didn't really know how to answer that because of course everything wasn't okay, it hadn't been okay in a long time and he didn't expect to ever experience what "okay" felt like again. He felt an odd longing for the ball of yarn that she kept in her office. Even though she couldn't see him, he felt a nervous energy that needed his hands to be kept occupied. "I'm sorry I didn't come yesterday."

"Don't worry about it," she said before hesitating. "Can you tell me why you didn't come though?"

Again, Hyungwon was unsure of how to answer. "I wasn't feeling well," he finally decided on because it was at least partially truthful.

"Are you feeling better now?"

"I think so," he answered without really giving it much thought. He was awake and lucid, which was more than he could've said for himself two days ago, so that was a start at least.

"Well, we didn't have a chance to talk this week, but how is your project of getting socially involved going?"

Hyungwon winced because he'd conveniently forgotten that they'd talked about doing so and since he'd done exactly the opposite. "It's... a work in progress." He suddenly remembered the slip of paper on the counter and realized that it technically counted. "I got someone's number."

"That's great!" she responded, and Hyungwon sighed in relief that he was able to present enough evidence of progress for her to drop the subject, but of course things couldn't be that easy. "And? Have you called the number? Or texted this person? Or however you guys arranged to communicate?"

"Um, no. I wasn't really planning on it," Hyungwon admitted, staring up at the ceiling as though it would provide an escape for him.

"Well that's your next step then!" she encouraged, and Hyungwon groaned, falling back onto the couch and sinking into the cushions.

"But- he's really busy," Hyungwon said, trying to come up with any and every possible excuse. He knew he could always just lie to his therapist and say he'd done it, but he didn't particularly like lying, and he wasn't great at it anyway. "And we barely know each other. We just have a class together. And he only stopped by because the teacher forced him to. There's no point in contacting him. We don't even have anything to talk about." His scars burned as a reminder that they did indeed have something in common, but it was nothing Hyungwon wanted to acknowledge.

"All right," she said, her voice gentle, and even though they weren't meeting physically, he could sense her backing away from the topic. "I can tell you're a bit resistant to the idea, so don't worry about doing it right away, but I'd encourage you to think it over. This person doesn't have to be your new forever friend, but it might be good to have someone to talk that's your peer. Can you promise me that you'll at least think about it, Hyungwon?"

He sighed. He didn't like making promises, but at least this one was easy. "Okay, I'll think about it." He didn't have to lie. He would think about it, but thinking about it wouldn't change anything. He didn't need Jooheon, and he wouldn't use the number.

\--

Two days later, he was staring down at the sheet of paper with a deep frown. When he'd washed the dishes on Thursday, some droplets of water had gotten onto the slip. Now ones and sevens were indistinguishable from each other, similarly with fours and nines.

He groaned and crumpled up the now meaningless piece of paper, intent on tossing it in the trash, but he found he wasn't able to. It was stupid and disgustingly sentimental of him, but he found his hand curling tighter around the paper as though it didn't want to let go of it just yet. He slipped the ruined paper into his pocket.

Of course, it didn't really matter at all anyway. He hadn't been about to actually use the number. He didn't know why he'd even gone looking for it when he didn't need anyone else interfering in his life. Jooheon didn't care about him. He had only been acting on a misplaced sense of obligation and pity, neither of which Hyungwon wanted to be the recipient.

Hyungwon was going to be okay, or he wasn't, all on his own. By himself. Because that was reality now, even if Hyungwon was struggling to adjust to it. He didn't need this stranger entering into his life like an invasive species.

But when he asked himself why he'd looked for the paper in the first place, he had no answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	11. Chapter 11

Monday came, and Hyungwon returned to classes for the first time in over a week. He didn't know how to check his grades because he wasn't at all invested in his academic success, merely in burning time off his life clock, but he knew that he had to have been failing everything since he couldn't clearly recall turning a single assignment in, ever.

Even though it was his first time out of the house in a while, he was still careful to wear a hoodie and mask to cover most of his face. He was fully prepared to slip back into an anonymous existence when he felt an arm set down across his back, a hand landing on his shoulder. Annoyance shot through him even though he didn't bother looking over; he knew who it was without looking, and that upset him even more. Why should he know that? When had that knowledge become meaningful?

"What," he said shortly, feeling other people's eyes begin to notice him now that Jooheon seemed to be catching their attention, and now him as collateral.

"So cold," Jooheon said with an easy laugh, either impervious to taking hints or too stubborn to be brushed off. Hyungwon thought it was likely a combination of the two. "I was waiting for you to call me all weekend, and you never did. I have to say, I was disappointed."

"I remember explicitly informing you that I would not contact you," Hyungwon said. "And besides, your handwriting is so horrible that I couldn't read the number," he mumbled.

Jooheon grinned in victory, and Hyungwon hated it, hated that he had let someone else win by exposing an incomprehensible moment of need. Hyungwon brushed Jooheon's arm off of him, and if Jooheon was surprised by his sudden change in attitude, he didn't say anything, just tucked the hand into his pocket. "Are you going to come to club this week?"

"No."

"Great, it's on Thursday, okay? Don't forget. Thursday."

"I'm not going."

"Sounds good, I'll let the guys know that you'll be there," Jooheon said, pulling his hand out of his pocket to give Hyungwon a light smack on his arm. "I gotta go. See you around."

Hyungwon just stared after him, his mouth hanging open a bit in protest, but he quickly shut it and kept walking when he felt people looking at him, making sure to keep his head down.

 _Ridiculous_. That was what Hyungwon thought of Jooheon's presumptuous behavior. He wasn't going to call him, and he was most certainly _not_ going to go to their club on Thursday.

\--

Hyungwon hesitated outside the door frame, the voices from within the room filtering outside. Honestly. He didn't know why he'd come. It was fairly apparent to him at the moment that he shouldn't have. He'd basically stormed out last time. He'd acted so childish and immature. Which honestly, he was, and he didn't want to have to apologize for. And he didn't come here to apologize. So why-

"Hey, you made it," came a voice from behind him, and Hyungwon turned to see Jooheon descending the stairs, a surprised look on his face.

"Well, you told me I would be here," Hyungwon mumbled.

"I'm glad you came," Jooheon said, his smile guileless, and Hyungwon frowned because he just couldn't figure this kid out at all. What did he want from Hyungwon?

"Just to, you know, stop by, which I have, so now I'll be-" Hyungwon began, already starting to walk away from the heavy weight of Jooheon's expectations, but a hand on his sleeve was pulling him towards the door frame.

"Nonsense, come on inside and meet everyone."

"I met them the other time," Hyungwon argued back even as he was being dragged into the room. He hadn't used to be shy, but now the thought of standing in front of a group of strangers - again - was paralyzing.

"Yeah but not really," Jooheon insisted, and then the two of them were inside the room, and Hyungwon could feel the uncomfortable burn of eyes tracking him. "Hey guys, you remember Hyungwon."

There was a small chorus of "Hi"s, but Hyungwon just ducked his head and gave a tiny wave before slipping into a chair, thinking that he would draw less attention sitting instead of standing. He wasn't sure if it was working yet because he still felt people staring at him.

"Hyungwon, I'm not sure if we introduced everyone last time, so - well, obviously I'm Jooheon, but besides me - that's Hoseok-" Hoseok smiled and gave a wave, seemingly a lot gentler than his large frame indicated. "-then there's Minhyuk-" The boy with fluffy hair from last time grinned at Hyungwon. "-Kihyun-" The boy next to Minhyuk gave Hyungwon a cursory glance before nodding. "-and Hyunwoo." Hyungwon looked over at the boy who had told him his story last time. He remembered the scar on his palm, and he nodded at Hyunwoo, who gave a small smile in return. "Oh, and this is Changkyun. You didn't meet him last time because we just recruited him as a new pledge last week."

Changkyun gave Hyungwon a small wave. Hyungwon got the sense that he was pretty down to earth.

"Did you get in a car crash too, then?" Hyungwon asked him, surprising himself by speaking up, but he was curious to hear from the other new addition to the group.

"Uh, I guess technically...It was just a little fender bender. I had to pay a small fine but I think it was mostly covered by my insurance..." Changkyun said, his brow scrunched in confusion, and Hyungwon looked over at Jooheon, equally confused and slightly upset because he got the feeling like they were mocking him once again.

"We were short on members," Jooheon justified easily, waving away Hyungwon's skepticism. "But you can always join if you want to."

"I'm not here to join," Hyungwon immediately said roughly before clearing his throat. "I'm not joining. I just came to get my therapist to stop nagging at me." He immediately felt bad for mentioning her because she was honestly a really nice person, but he felt like he needed an excuse. Then he felt pathetic for mentioning that he had a therapist at all and was fully ready to leave the room in humiliation, but he was met with several reminiscent chuckles instead.

"After the accident, my therapist told me that I should try learning something new and totally out of my comfort zone," one of the boys - Kihyun - began. "So I tried unicycling to piss him off, only I ended up scraping my knees and elbows so nobody really won there."

"Mine said that I should try to wear bright colors because it would have some psychological effect on my mood," Hoseok spoke up with a smile at the recollection. "So I came to school that week wearing neon yellow and dayglo orange. My worst fear to this day is that someone is going to leak pictures of that fashion travesty on the internet."

Some of the other boys shared therapy-gone-wrong stories, each of them able to laugh about the incident, and while they were talking among themselves, Jooheon leaned over to Hyungwon, his voice a little quieter so no one else could hear them.

"I think what they're trying to say is that nobody has the answer on how to grieve properly," Jooheon said softly, looking down at his own hands rather than looking over at Hyungwon.

Hyungwon wondered what scars Jooheon was hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	12. Chapter 12

"So you went to their club meeting? Hyungwon, I'm really proud of you," his therapist said, and it was impossible to ignore her glowing cheeks so Hyungwon refocused his attention on the ball of yarn, rolling it between his hands. "That must have been very difficult to do. Did you find it to be a rewarding experience?"

During their sessions, they just talked. She had a notepad on the desk, but she'd noticed how Hyungwon had gotten anxious in the first few sessions when she'd been taking notes, so she'd stopped doing so and presumably just wrote down whatever she remembered after. Hyungwon appreciated that. She was always doing little things to show him that she truly had his comfort and best interests in mind.

"I don't know," Hyungwon responded to buy himself time while he thought out a more detailed response. "They're...strange. I don't understand them yet."

"Do you think you'll go back?"

Hyungwon looped his thumb under one of the strands, wrapping it around several times. "I don't know. I don't even know why I went in the first place."

She paused, and Hyungwon could sense her sort of drawing in her energy to ask a more meaningful question. "Hyungwon, why did you decide to go today? Last time we talked, it sounded like you were against the idea of even contacting that one boy."

Hyungwon huffed out a frustrated sigh as he freed his thumb from the yarn, instead compressing the ball between his hands. "I don't know. He keeps saying things, assuming I'll be there. Like, he'll ask if I'm going to call him, and then I say of course not, and he just says, 'Great, looking forward to it.' Like that. And I keep telling him no and that I won't, but then I still showed up today. I don't understand my own actions. I feel very confused," he admitted in a rare burst of pure honesty. He was just so lost and disoriented at the moment.

"Maybe, deep in your subconscious, you truly need other people, even if you try to convince yourself that you don't," she responded softly, her tone very gentle because she knew how he responded to statements that troubled him by getting even more upset.

Sure enough, he immediately looked down, squeezing the ball of yarn so hard that several strands spilled out in the gaps between his fingers. "If I needed other people, then my whole family wouldn't have died," he said, his voice tense and the muscles in his neck protruding forcefully. His whole body had become stiff, every muscle clenched in place. He looked back up at her, and she couldn't help but flinch at the commingling hatred and despair in his eyes. "Or is this some sort of God thing? Did he do this on purpose or even just let it happen for some reason, just to teach me something? What lesson? And why am I-" He choked slightly on the next words. "-so accursed to be _worthy_?"

"I'm sorry, Hyungwon," she said, squeezing her hands in her lap because it was hard for her to watch any of her clients struggling so viscerally with something. "That's not something I can answer for you." She paused, debating what to ask because they'd never brought up the God question before. "Do you...do you believe in God?"

"I thought I did," Hyungwon answered back, his voice broken as he stared down at the ball of yarn in his hands. Despite compressing the yarn, it had resumed its natural state as though he'd never interfered with it at all. "Before." He was drawing back into himself, or trying to. He felt like he'd said too much, let too much show, and now he just felt naked in the small space, like she'd be able to see through every pore.

"And now?"

Hyungwon stared down blankly, the question bouncing through his mind and struggling to find purchase. He wanted to stay silent, but he also needed to answer the question. Not just for her, but for himself. To help himself realize what his subconscious had already realized. "And now...I'm stuck between two realities, one in which an omniscient, omnipotent God does not and has not ever existed...and another in which He exists and chooses to let his people suffer meaninglessly, and I'm honestly not sure which reality is worse to me." He paused, combing his fingers over the strands of yarn once more, letting their soft fibers relax his fingertips as other troubling thoughts surfaced. "Or maybe He's there, and the fault is with me. Maybe I didn't pray with enough dedication or believe with enough fervor or...I don't know. Maybe it's been me this whole time. Maybe-"

"It wasn't your fault," she interrupted, knowing from past sessions where Hyungwon's thoughts would take him. She hated interrupting clients, but she needed him to know that she fully supported him before he could introduce any doubt. "The accident wasn't and isn't your fault, Hyungwon. It was exactly that - an accident. You didn't know what would happen, and you couldn't have prevented it."

"But God could have," Hyungwon said, looking up at her with doubting eyes. "If He exists. He could have, and he didn't."

She pursed her lips, trying to be careful about how she asked the question because it wasn't her job to influence someone's beliefs in any particular direction. "If God exists, then why do you think he didn't intervene? Why do you think God lets suffering happen in the world?"

Hyungwon shook his head, his eyes straying to the wall to his left as he tried to come up with an answer. "I don't...I don't know. Before all this...I would have said..." He looked back at her. "I would have said that God lets people suffer so they learn endurance. That his decisions work toward a larger purpose that we can't possibly know, a big picture that we have no way of seeing from our limited perspective. But that's bullshit because I'm not learning to endure, I'm breaking apart, and for what? I haven't achieved any Godly purpose. I have learned nothing that I couldn't have learned with my family still alive." He exhaled heavily, almost panting with the exertion of having spoken so much about something he was so clearly in conflict with.

"I see," she said, shifting and crossing her legs as she noted his clear discomfort with the topic. "Let's talk about something else, all right?"

He gave a low nod, his hair falling into his dark eyes.

"How are you healing up?" she asked, hoping that this would be an easier question that would hopefully put him more at ease. "You've been out of the hospital for several months now. How has your recovery been going?"

"It's been fine," he said dully. Physical things were of no interest to him when the metaphysical pain far outweighed all else.

"You've mentioned scars before," she said slowly. The subject had come up in several of their past sessions, but they hadn't had the opportunity to discuss them in any depth. "How do you feel about those?"

Hyungwon felt heat rush to his face in an instant response, and he tried to keep his head low so she couldn't see much of his face. "They're a reminder that never seems to go away."

"A reminder of what, Hyungwon?"

"Of my family. Of how I couldn't save any of them." A memory flashed in front of his eyes. He was caught on the door, the twisted piece of metal cutting into his arm, his clothing soaked with blood, and to his right, there was Mi-Yeon, bent irregularly, bone where there shouldn't be bone. Screaming, was it him or Mi-Yeon or-

And then, abruptly, he was back in the therapist's office, only he was standing up, the ball of yarn dropped by his feet, his chest moving up and down rapidly as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Hyungwon? Hyungwon, are you all right? You-"

"I need to go," he said, his voice breathy and unsteady as he grabbed his mask from the couch, slipping it on over his mouth even though he couldn't breath well and pulling his hood over his face.

"Hyungwon, wait, I think you're having a panic attack and we should-"

Hyungwon ignored her, throwing the door open and walking, then running down the hallway. He needed air. He needed to get out of that room, to replace the memory with anything else at all.

Even as he ran home, he felt the tears coming at his eyes, the image of Mi-Yeon's crumpled body appearing in his mind once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	13. Chapter 13

Hyungwon didn't go to class that Friday. He thought he'd managed to turn things around a bit when he had started attending school again on Monday, even going to a club meeting, but in the end, nothing had changed. He was still the same troubled person who had isolated himself for an entire week, and the only thing that he regretted about it was that it hadn't been longer.

At some point in the early afternoon, his phone rang, and he ignored it, not even bothering to look at the caller ID. Chances were that it was the insurance agency, or the unknown number that had been calling him for a few weeks now. Maybe it was his therapist checking in, but even if it were her, he had nothing to say. He didn't want to explain what had happened yesterday. Explanation implied logic, reasoning. He wasn't sure he'd had either of those in that moment, or even now.

A few minutes later, he looked over at his phone to check the time and saw that the call had come from an unknown number. This one, however, looked vaguely familiar. It took Hyungwon a few minutes to place it as Jooheon's number, the one he had scribbled on the back of a coupon, the one Hyungwon had never been able to completely decipher. The numbers he _had_ been able to identify, however, looked similar to the call logged on his phone. He recalled having given his number to Jooheon at the club meeting yesterday at the other's request, but he didn't think he'd actually use it. Certainly not so soon.

Hyungwon stalled for a long moment before deciding that he really had nothing to lose. He called the number back, hitting the button for redial as he folded himself onto the couch, eyes flicking to the TV. He used the remote to turn it on, thinking that maybe he'd watch something to pass the time.

"Hyungwon!"

Hyungwon flinched at the eagerness in his tone as he went back to scrolling through titles on Netflix. "Yeah." He hesitated, knowing that he'd often come off as rude, but he didn't really have any reason to trust Jooheon as of yet. "What is it?"

"Me and some of the guys were going to head out, maybe grab a bite or something," Jooheon said. Hyungwon assumed that "the guys" were other Tri Chi members, although Hyungwon couldn't begin to guess why Jooheon had called him.

"Okay...? Have fun?" Hyungwon clicked on a horror movie to view more details. He really only liked low budget horror movies, as he didn't actually want to be scared but rather wanted to laugh at the horrible script and predictable consequences of the main character's poor decisions. This particular movie looked to be too high-budget for him, so he exited and continued his search.

Jooheon's laugh made Hyungwon flush in humiliation at having not understood his message correctly, and he stopped scrolling for a second, knitting his lips into a tight frown. " _No_ , well I mean, I will, but I didn't call just to tell you my evening plans." Hyungwon could hear Jooheon's smile through the phone. "Well? Are you free?"

Hyungwon almost choked on the air he'd previously been trying to inhale. "Come again?"

"Can you hang out?" Jooheon rephrased. "And don't say no because I know you skipped school and are undoubtedly just chilling in your house."

Hyungwon stared at the television before flicking it off as though to deny Jooheon's assertion. He set the remote down and stretched out on the couch, his head slipping over the armrest and hanging upside down as he stared at the ceiling in contemplation. "Can I say no for a different reason?"

"Not really. But let's hear your excuse anyway."

"I'm...sick?" Hyungwon's eyes circled up to the ceiling. In all honesty, he wasn't entirely sure as to why he needed an excuse and why he couldn't just go with them. He was hungry, and buying a meal was a lot easier than cooking one.

"Come on Hyungwon, you can do better than that."

For some reason, the words brought a small smile to his lips. "I have to meet someone important?"

"Precisely, me. So you'd better be coming. We can pick you up in ten, sound okay?"

Hyungwon froze at the last sentence. He knew it was cowardly and he was only prolonging the inevitable, but he hadn't been in a car since the accident, minus the trip home from the hospital. He knew it was ridiculous, not to mention stupid, and that the odds of getting in two car crashes within half a year were slim to none, but he was stubborn and a little bit scared. He didn't know how to communicate that to Jooheon, though. "Um, I don't...I can't-"

"Are you still trying to avoid coming?" Jooheon asked with an exasperated laugh. "Hyungwon-"

"I can't get in a car," Hyungwon interrupted, realizing that if he didn't say it fast, they'd be pulling up in front of his house in a few minutes and expecting him to get in. He didn't care if it made him sound weak or unnecessarily stubborn. He hadn't exactly made a great impression on the previous two occasions.

"Oh," Jooheon said, his voice growing slightly muffled, and Hyungwon was left with the distinct impression that Jooheon had turned away so their conversation would be more private. "Hyungwon, it's okay, I get it," he said, his voice frustratingly gentle. It made Hyungwon feel like he was talking to his therapist.

Hyungwon sighed in relief, now wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible. "Great then-"

"I'll walk with you," Jooheon offered immediately, and Hyungwon stilled, seeming to sink back into the couch. He sat up abruptly, his head light from hanging upside down.

"What?"

"The place we were planning on going to. It's not far from your house. Hoseok can drop me off there, and I can walk with you."

Hyungwon put the phone on speaker and set it on the armrest of the couch, wrapping his arms around himself. He was confused both with himself and Jooheon, and he decided this was as good a time as any to ask the question he'd been pondering for days. "Why- why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Jooheon sounded sincerely curious as though he had no idea what Hyungwon was talking about.

"Everything. Coming to my house to check up on me, talking to me on campus, dragging me to your club, inviting me out for dinner."

"Hey, it's not a date if that's what you were thinking," Jooheon said with a nervous chuckle.

"I wasn't," Hyungwon said, still completely serious. "It just feels like you're going really far out of your way for someone who isn't particularly nice, or fun, or friendly, or who possesses any redeemable characteristics whatsoever."

Hyungwon thought that Jooheon was going to laugh it off again, but the background noise on his end filtered out as though he'd moved into an empty room. "And you're wondering whether I'm going out of my way because I like charity cases?"

"I'm saying that if I hadn't been in a car crash, you wouldn't be talking to me right now." Hyungwon held his breath, his fingers digging into his sides as he waited for Jooheon's answer. He thought back to what his therapist had told him, that his subconscious craved human contact even if his mind didn't. But he was scared. Scared that he'd invest too much in someone that would break his trust or that would leave him.

"You're probably right," Jooheon agreed, and Hyungwon felt the air deflate out of his lungs as his words came crashing down, but Jooheon wasn't finished. "If you hadn't been in a car crash, I probably wouldn't have been interested in you. Which isn't to say that you aren't inherently a lovely, handsome person. Yeah, your circumstances are what lead me to you in the first place, that's true. But, Hyungwon, you're not some charity case to me. I'm not reaching out to you out of pity." A pause. "I always hated that, after...my crash. So I want to be clear that I'm not doing this because I feel like I need the moral validation or because I have a savior complex."

"Then why are you here?" Hyungwon asked, his voice soft and insecure.

"Because I thought you might need a friend. And I thought I might be just the guy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	14. Chapter 14

"Because I thought you might need a friend. And I thought I might be just the guy."

The words rang hollow in Hyungwon's ears. The background noise on his end picked back up - a few low murmurs and a constant humming noise - but Hyungwon was too distracted by Jooheon's statement to factor in anything else. "Why exactly do I need a friend?"

Jooheon's answer was, once again, deceptively simple. "Because we all need someone," he said, still keeping his voice quiet. Hyungwon got the feeling like he was once again in a space with others and didn't want to make Hyungwon feel like they were listening to their conversation. "You can deny it all you want, but coming out of something as the only survivor has to be the loneliest existence imaginable. We've all got our cross to bear, but it's too much to ask you to bear it alone."

"I'm not alone. I have..." Hyungwon cut off mid-sentence, realizing too late that he'd been about to say 'my therapist' and what a dead giveaway that would have been as to how pathetic his life was. "I have..." he started again before giving up with a harsh sigh. "Maybe I just like the quiet."

"Hyungwon, is it that you think you don't need friends? Or that you think you don't deserve them?"

Despite the soft tone to Jooheon's words, Hyungwon still felt a flash of anger heat up his spine at the insinuation. "What the hell, Jooheon-"

"Because you do," Jooheon quickly said, sensing how close Hyungwon was to ending the call. "You deserve friends, and you deserve happiness, or at least a shot at it."

All of a sudden, a heavy fatigue came over Hyungwon, and he felt so small and pathetic that some near stranger had been chasing after his acceptance all this time, and for what? Hyungwon knew he wasn't a worthy prize. "Jooheon-"

There was a sound on the other end as something slammed shut, and then there was a series of raps against the door. "Hey, I'm outside. Ready for a walk?"

\--

Hyungwon could barely look at Jooheon. He felt incredibly guilty, and it wasn't the ever-present guilt stemming from the accident. That was still there beneath everything else, but this was a newer guilt, one specifically attuned to Jooheon. Hyungwon felt bad that he'd unintentionally been playing hard-to-get with the other boy. Jooheon had wasted so much time on him; Hyungwon felt like a walk was the least payment he could cough up in return. But he truly didn't see why Jooheon thought he was worth the time and effort, and it made him scared that maybe Jooheon would realize that too.

"You're lucky you skipped class today," Jooheon said conversationally, a grin on his face. "We had to read our papers out loud to other students. I hate doing that." He looked over at Hyungwon. "What's your paper about?"

"I haven't write one," Hyungwon said in full honesty.

"Then you're doubly lucky, aren't you."

The air was brisk, leaves whipping about in the wind with a soft howl. The seasons were just beginning to contemplate turning over, and while the day still carried a bit of warmth, the chill of fall wasn't shying away, either. They kept to their path on the sidewalk as the fences on their left continually changed make and model as they passed various properties.

Hyungwon felt the chill of fall seep into his heart as he noticed the slim black posts and pickets with small arrows on the top. He'd hoped they'd walk past it, unconsciously quickening his own pace, but Jooheon turned in through the front gates.

Hyungwon stopped just outside them. "Where are you going?"

"Just a quick stop on the way. You don't have to come if you don't want to," Jooheon said with no other explanation, and Hyungwon felt compelled to follow him into the cemetery, his skin growing cold as he entered the hallowed grounds.

Jooheon came to a stop at a pair of gravestones, and even though Hyungwon had a sinking feeling as to what he'd find, he read the names anyway.

**LEE MINJAE**

**LEE MINJUN**

Both the birth and death dates inscribed below matched identically, the latter five years from the present. Hyungwon did the math quickly and found that the dates only ranged a twelve-year gap.

They were just kids.

"My twin younger brothers," Jooheon said, his tone light and casual but an unfamiliar sadness in his eyes, a weight that he hadn't shown Hyungwon before. This was Jooheon's Crash, then. Hyungwon wondered if Jooheon had been in Hyungwon's position - a helpless passenger - or if he'd been the one driving. He didn't know that it made a difference, but he thought that maybe it would affect the way he saw Jooheon. There was something raw in Jooheon's tone that made him think that Jooheon would tell him if he asked, but he didn't because he didn't want things to change between them.

"I just like to visit when I'm in the area," Jooheon said, pushing his hands into his pockets. Hyungwon wondered if his hands were shaking. Hyungwon's were, and he'd never even known Minjae or Minjun.

"We could go back and pick up some flowers," Hyungwon suggested belatedly. It was just something he'd seen people do. His own family had been cremated, so he'd never been to the cemetery except in the days of his youth when his parents had taken him to honor long-dead relatives of the Chae family.

"Nah, it's fine," Jooheon said. He'd temporarily crouched down as though he'd wanted to be closer to his brothers for just a minute, but he stood up, stretching his arms over his head. "They never cared about flowers, and they were brats anyway." He paused, his arms slowly settling to his sides. "But they were my brats," he said, his voice softer than before, and Hyungwon just nodded, not wanting to intrude in a personal moment, although he felt very invasive just standing at their grave site.

"I couldn't visit them for a long time," Jooheon admitted abruptly. "Two or three years. I fell apart, and it took me a long time to pull myself back together. And I didn't do it alone, I had a lot of help. But several years passed before I was able to stand here before them." He looked over at Hyungwon, his eyes darker than usual with a profound richness of sadness and growth. "I didn't want to visit them until I could show them that I was doing well, that I was making an effort to live my life meaningfully." He didn't directly suggest that the same likely went for Hyungwon, but the message was received nonetheless.

"All right, we've given them more than their fair share of attention. Let's go," Jooheon said, a small smile tugging at his lips as he looked back at the headstones, giving a small salute before he turned back to the pathway that lead to the front gate, Hyungwon trailing along a step behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	15. Chapter 15

Hyungwon followed Jooheon into the restaurant, which was tucked neatly into a corner and had perpendicular bays of windows overlooking the street. Jooheon immediately made for the west wall, waving to the others as he sat down at the back table. He looked over his shoulder at Hyungwon, who had hesitated just inside the door. "What are you waiting for?"

Hyungwon realized that he drew more attention the longer he just stood there, so he went to the table but stopped short once again. The seats next to Jooheon were already taken by Minhuyk and Hoseok. Hyungwon felt unreasonably angry at Jooheon for a second for dragging him all the way out here only to abandon him at the table, but he knew it had been unintentional and that Jooheon hadn't considered how awkward Hyungwon might feel sitting beside strangers. He didn't want to voice any of this to Jooheon and be regarded as petty and small-minded - of course, he was absolutely guilty of the first count - so he just slid into the booth opposite them, the windows to his back. That was another stroke of misfortune; Hyungwon had planned on looking out the window to pass the time of this social outing, but now he couldn't.

He was sitting directly across from Minhyuk, who grinned at him, but Hyungwon could only manage a faint upturning of the lips in return. There was expectation within Minhyuk's body language that they would have a conversation, but Hyungwon tried with his own body language to discourage that notion by turning slightly inward and propping his head up on his left palm. The only other person in the booth was Hyunwoo, who Hyungwon strangely enough felt a strange kinship with. Probably because Hyunwoo wasn't paying much attention to him but was quietly and meticulously pouring over the menu that was on the table between the two of them. The light streaming in behind them caught on the shiny skin of Hyunwoo's scar, and Hyungwon's stomach tightened, but not unpleasantly.

He decided that he was in fact okay with the seating arrangement.

"Where's Kiki? And the newbie?" Jooheon asked, looking at Hyunwoo, who Hyungwon surmised to have some sort of seniority or authority over the group.

Hyunwoo, to his credit, didn't look up from the menu as he answered in a calm voice that Hyungwon was growing to like. "Kihyun said he would rather double his student loan and move to France than hang out with Minhyuk, and Changkyun said he already had plans."

Jooheon looked over at Minhyuk. "Are you two fighting again?"

Minhyuk just smirked, looking for all the world like the Chesire cat. "Let's just say that Kihyun lost a bet and now he's pissed at me for his own poor judgement."

Jooheon and Minhyuk struck up a conversation about the bet that Hyungwon tuned out, and he got the feeling that Hoseok was looking at him and waiting for him to look up so they could talk, but Hyungwon avoided him as well.

It was a few minutes before a waitress stopped by their table to ask for their drink orders. He stared down at the menu between him and Hyunwoo because it was easier than meeting any of the others’ eyes. There was a moment of silence that seemed to grow in intensity, and Hyungwon realized she must have already taken all their orders while he’d zoned out.

"Uh, can I just get a water?" he asked the waitress, looking up, and he immediately felt stupid because of course they had water and obviously they weren't going to withhold it from him.

She stared at him for a second, and Hyungwon abruptly remembered that he'd left his face mask at home after being dragged out of his house by Jooheon. He knew she was staring at his scars in abject horror, so he quickly dipped his head back down, wishing he had something he could hide behind.

He heard her clear her throat before scribbling something on her notepad. "Sure, a water, of course. I'll be right back with your drink." And then she was gone.

"Damn, it looked like she was ready to jump you, Hyungwon," Minhyuk said with a bubbling laugh, and Hyungwon felt his face burn, both in remembrance and in humiliation.

"Shut up," he whispered, but not loud enough for the other side of the table to hear him. He picked up the menu, holding it in front of his face to hide from their sight.

Hyunwoo looked over though, concern shaping his brows as he took in Hyungwon's hunched over form. "Give it a rest," he told Minhyuk, and after a short protest, the others resumed their earlier conversation. Hyunwoo shifted so he was occupying the middle seat of the booth. "Are you okay?" he asked in a soft voice, leaning in slightly so his face was also hidden by the menu and so the others wouldn’t ask to hear what they were talking about.

Hyungwon just stared at Hyunwoo for a long moment before swallowing and nodding. "I'm fine," he said. He was still a bit shaky from the encounter and the look she'd given him, but it was more than that. He'd forgotten his mask. When had he gotten so careless? The thought worried him.

When the waitress came back, Hyungwon kept his head down, mumbling a "thank you" as a glass of water was setting before him but not giving her an opportunity to gawk at his scars again.

Once she left, he kept himself occupied by using the straw to stir his water, swirling it so the water lapped against the sides of the glass, almost overcoming the rim but never quite reaching that high. The others kept up constant conversation, and Hyungwon was starting to get a headache. He was just beginning to wonder if it would be rude of him to excuse himself and leave when the waitress returned to take their orders for food. Hyungwon panicked at the idea of having to order anything; even though he’d been hungry earlier, his appetite had completely dissolved. But he knew that not ordering would only draw more attention so he picked the cheapest entree on the menu, still avoiding eye contact with the waitress.

He excused himself to go to the bathroom and just stood in front of the mirror for a long moment, hands on either side of the sink to prop himself up. He grabbed a paper towel and folded it twice into a small compress before holding it under the faucet for a moment. Then he turned off the faucet and held the cold paper towel against his forehead. He thought that maybe it would get rid of his headache, but really he just needed the cold against his skull to calm down his thoughts. He got overheated when he was anxious, and he needed to keep it together until he could leave.

He threw the paper towel away and raked his fingers through his wet bangs, flicking his hand so the water droplets fell back into the sink, whereupon they crept down into the drain and disappeared. After he was satisfied that no one would notice a difference in his appearance, he exited the bathroom, sliding back into the booth but still avoiding conversation. Every now and then, Hoseok or Minhyuk would ask him a question, and he'd deliver a short but polite enough answer, usually just a nod, and then the conversation would bounce away on some divergent path.

He thought about faking a phone call as an excuse to leave, but he didn't think they'd believe that he had anyone in his phone aside from his therapist. If Jooheon's number hadn't been added, then he wouldn't have believed it, either. But he couldn't exactly enlist Jooheon's assistance in ditching the outing Jooheon had invited him to, and he didn't want to fake sick on the off chance that anyone got worried. He thought that if he just up and left, they would probably attribute the rude behavior to the recent death of his family, and that worked well enough for him. It wasn't really a lie.

Once the food came, Hyungwon got a to-go box and, with a quick wave and a "thanks for inviting me," slipped back out the front door and hurried down the sidewalk, keeping his eyes away from the bay of windows where he knew they were probably all staring at him in confusion.

Hyungwon couldn't really explain it, but sometimes, he just needed to not be around people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	16. Chapter 16

Hyungwon was genuinely surprised to find his phone ringing - another call from Jooheon - when he got home. He'd thought that Jooheon would assume that Hyungwon was just being a weird freak who couldn't socialize and give him some space, but apparently not.

"Yeah?" Hyungwon said, clenching the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he twisted his key in the lock. Their house was old, and the only way to get the door open was to twist the key to the right, pull up on the door handle, and then flick the key to the left while using your shoulder to force the door inward. He almost fell into the house, catching himself on his second step, and he removed the key, slipping it into his pocket before closing and locking the door behind himself. Then he turned to face the dark house.

It was only at this point that he realized that he could have just ignored Jooheon's call, and why hadn't he?

"Hey, you didn't seem so good earlier," Jooheon said, and there was something about his tone that was just a shade off from usual. Like he was being more cautious, and Hyungwon didn't like that but he couldn't blame him.

"Sorry," Hyungwon apologized automatically, not really looking to deliver an explanation. He set the to-go box down on the counter. It was weird; he'd been hungry earlier, but his appetite had completely vanished when the waitress had looked at him. Now, though, he was starting to feel hungry again, so maybe he'd be able to eat again soon. "I'm fine, though," he added after a second.

"Okay," Jooheon said, still using that voice like he was handling Hyungwon with kid gloves. "Hey," he said abruptly, his tone losing that wary edge and sounding more like his normal carefree self. "What are you doing tonight?"

Hyungwon blinked. That was the absolute last thing he had expected to hear. "I was planning on watching a movie," Hyungwon said, spotting the television remote on the couch where he'd left it earlier.

He was just reaching for it to turn on the television when Jooheon asked, "Cool, can I join you?"

Hyungwon's hand closed around the remote, and he froze. It took him a full five seconds to shake off that moment of panic, turning on the television and clearing his throat. "I didn't mean that I was going out to a theater, I'm just watching something at home. So..."

"I know," Jooheon said. "Can I come over and watch it with you?"

"It's getting late," Hyungwon said, looking to the clock for any possible excuse. "And the movie might be long, so-"

"That's fine," Jooheon said, and Hyungwon sighed in relief, leaning against the couch and thinking that Jooheon had given up. "I could just stay the night then," he suggested, and Hyungwon's eyes flicked open.

"What?"

"A sleepover," Jooheon cheered.

"Wait, I don't-"

"Should I bring anything? Snacks, drinks? I've got some killer games, too. What type of console do you have?"

Hyungwon's mouth opened and closed as he tried to figure out how to respond to Jooheon in a way that would shut down the idea and not completely terminate their friendship. Finally, he just sighed. "Maybe some drinks? All I have is water. And...Xbox."

"Xbox?" Jooheon groaned, and Hyungwon couldn't quite quash the small smile that lit up his face at the sound. "I suck at Xbox."

"As if," Hyungwon said, rolling his eyes. "You always beat me."

There was an odd beat of silence that had Hyungwon going back over his words and trying to find what had been wrong. "I don't think we've played before, have we?" Jooheon said after a moment, and Hyungwon frowned, trying to square up the seemingly disparate facts. "Maybe you're thinking of someone else?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right, we haven't," Hyungwon said after failing to come up with an answer for himself. "Just a feeling then. I'm not very good."

"Perfect," Jooheon said, and just like that, the odd moment passed. "I'm not good on Xbox, but it sounds like I at least stand a chance against you. I'll be there in half an hour, okay?"

"Fine," Hyungwon said, flopping down onto the couch and extending his elbows over the armrest, still holding his phone up to his ear. "But if you're late, I'm not letting you in." Hyungwon didn’t know where the sudden burst of confidence came from, but it felt unfamiliar, not in a bad way.

"So first you don't want me to come over at all and now you want me to get there faster?" Jooheon chuckled. "Fine, I'll do my best. But you'd better not lock me out."

"We'll see," Hyungwon said with a smirk.

\--

"Twenty-nine minutes," Jooheon said, breathing heavily as he followed Hyungwon into the house after shutting the door behind himself.

"That was close," Hyungwon commented as he leaned against the counter, giving time for Jooheon to set the drinks down and catch his breath.

"Well, I needed to pick out the right pajamas," Jooheon said as he opened up the grocery bag to reveal a few cans of different sodas and some bags of chips and popcorn. "A sleepover is a big deal in the fashion world, you know. You don't want to make a wrong move."

"If you say so," Hyungwon said with a shrug. He'd never been much of a sleepover person. Even before the accident, he hadn't had any close friends that he could remember. "Well? Do you want the official tour?" he asked, feeling like it was something he should offer as the host, especially since Jooheon was planning on staying the night.

"Let's do it," Jooheon agreed, looking up at Hyungwon with a smile.

"Well, obviously, this is the kitchen," Hyungwon said, pointing a finger up in the air and moving it in a circle to gesture to the space around them.

"I'm familiar," Jooheon said with a slight laugh.

Hyungwon's lips tilted up at the corners before he exited the kitchen, Jooheon close behind. "Living room," he said, pointing to his right. He looked over to his left; there was the bar counter attached to the kitchen, and behind it was a small room that was nearly bare save a neat shelf just above eye level from the kitchen. Three urns rested on the shelf, and Hyungwon swallowed before waving towards them. "My family."

Jooheon's eyebrows pinched together before he gave a soft bow of his head in respect.

Hyungwon swallowed once more, trying to clear the heavy feelings from his frame. He was being social, just like how his therapist had told him. He could do this. He could interact with someone and not let the accident crush his existence, not tonight, at least.

He headed deeper into the house up a half-flight of stairs and into a narrow hallway. Bedrooms lined either side; Mi-Yeon's, the first on the left; his parents, the door on the right. "My room," Hyungwon said as they came to the second door on the left, which he'd left ajar. He didn't linger long, only pointed at the last door on the right. "Bathroom." He turned to face Jooheon, who was peeking into his room but looked back at Hyungwon when he saw him turn out of his peripherals. "Well, that's the tour." He didn't know what to say next, so he just edged past Jooheon and headed back to the living room. He took a seat on the couch, and Jooheon sat on the floor with his back against the couch for support. They picked out a game to play and, as expected, Jooheon beat Hyungwon consistently.

Hyungwon got up some time later to grab some of the snacks Jooheon had placed in the kitchen, and Hyungwon had just grabbed a bag of chips and a soda when he looked up and froze. There were only two urns where there should have been three.

But then he blinked, and everything was as it should be. He was shaken, but he chalked up the illusion to dehydration and returned to Jooheon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	17. Chapter 17

Hyungwon went back to the cemetery. He didn't really know why he felt he had to go, but he wanted to get out of the house for a walk and he'd just ended up there somehow. Hyungwon passed the gates, less hesitant than last time. He decided to stop by Jooheon's brothers' graves and maybe clean them up a bit, but Hyungwon walked around for half an hour without being able to locate the two headstones. He retraced his steps to the gate and tried to follow the same path Jooheon had taken the other day, but Hyungwon gave up after not being able to find the graves. He'd been wandering around in the cemetery for about an hour, and the longer he stayed, the more unnerved he became.

Hyungwon left the cemetery and went back home, his head starting to hurt a bit.

\--

Monday came, and Hyungwon went to school but didn't see Jooheon the whole day. It felt weird to be disappointed. He barely knew Jooheon, certainly not enough to justify missing him. But the sleepover had been fun, Hyungwon had to admit. He couldn't remember ever having one before. Jooheon had been gone in the morning - Hyungwon vaguely recalled him saying something about having to run an errand for his mom - and Hyungwon hadn't heard from him since.

He wondered if Jooheon was avoiding him, if he'd done something wrong.

Maybe his pajamas hadn't been impressive enough.

Or maybe Jooheon hadn't been able to sleep. Hyungwon had taken to sleeping on the couch lately - he just didn't feel comfortable in his own room and he wasn't quite sure why - so Jooheon had offered to take the floor despite Hyungwon's protests. And when Hyungwon had woken up in the morning, his only company had been Mi-Yeon's night light.

Tuesday came, and Hyungwon didn't see Jooheon in the class they had together, but he thought he saw him leaving the building later that day. He tried to catch up with him, but when he got out to the parking lot, Jooheon was gone. Hyungwon wondered if they'd gone back to the restaurant from last time. He didn’t know where else they went to hang out; it was his only lead. He debated just going home, but he found that he didn't want to return there just yet. He decided that he'd just walk to the restaurant and see if they were there, and if not, then it was fine, he could grab something to eat anyway.

He got to the restaurant and scanned over the customers, but he didn't see Jooheon or any of the others. Still, he couldn't clearly see every table from where he was standing, so he went over to the hostess' counter.

"Hi there, table for one?" she asked. It was the same girl as last time.

Hyungwon didn't even bother to cover his face; if she was staring, he just did his best to ignore it. "I'm not looking for a table," he said, still peering across the room. "I just wanted to know if you saw a few guys my age come in?"

"Sorry, we have a lot of customers, can you be more specific?"

"The same people I was sitting with last time," Hyungwon said, but he already sort of knew that they weren't there. Just a feeling.

The hostess frowned. "Last time?"

"I was here a few days ago," Hyungwon said, realizing that maybe she'd forgotten him. Of course she had; she probably saw a hundred people a day. "Sorry, you probably don't remember me, I-"

"No, I remember you," she said before pointing to the table they'd sat at. "You were over there, right? Thursday- no, it was Friday, wasn't it?"

Hyungwon felt a small surge of hope. "That's right. So have you seen any of the people I was sitting with come in today?"

She tilted her head slightly, eyebrows creasing upward toward the middle. "I remember you, but I don’t remember there being anyone else." She tapped at the plastic menu in front of her, her polished nail carving out an even beat as she recalled what she knew, which didn’t seem to be much.

"No, I was at a table with four other guys," Hyungwon said.

"Sorry," she said after a moment, her frown skewing to one side as her finger stilled, the staccato rhythm of nail against plastic falling away abruptly. "I must have mistaken you for someone else. But you're welcome to look around if you'd like and see if they're here."

"No, that's okay," Hyungwon said with a sigh. He could tell they weren't here, and he was feeling very tired all of a sudden. He started walking back home when he got a call just outside the cemetery. Normally, he'd ignore his phone, leave it off even, but he'd been feeling sort of jittery lately. Maybe it was a side effect of social interaction. "Hi," Hyungwon said immediately, and then he almost slapped himself for not checking Caller ID first. But the voice on the other end was exactly the one he'd been wanting to hear.

"Hey," Jooheon said with a small laugh. It soothed something in Hyungwon, made him less anxious, and he found himself wandering back into the cemetery with the phone pressed against his ear. "I haven't seen you in school the past two days, just wanted to see if everything was okay."

Hyungwon frowned. "I was at school, and I didn't see _you_." Hyungwon paused to consider the fact that maybe he'd dreamt it, that maybe he'd slept through the day, but that wouldn't explain how he'd gone to the restaurant and was here now.

Jooheon just laughed. "Maybe we're both blind. Well, I'm glad you're doing all right at least. Are you going to be at club on Thursday?"

Hyungwon took a second to respond because he had stopped in front of Minjae and Minjun's graves, and they were right where he'd thought they were. He must have missed them the other day. Maybe he _was_ going blind. "Maybe," Hyungwon said as he knelt down and brushed a few leaves off the headstones. Then he pulled back because he felt like maybe it wasn't his place to do so, that maybe he wasn't allowed to visit them because he wasn't their family and he'd never known them. But he could sort of picture them. He'd conjured up an imagine in his mind of two identical boys, their eyes a little mischievous and their hair sticking out in all directions.

"Well, I hope you come," Jooheon said, and Hyungwon started walking back to the gates.

Hyungwon startled himself with his following answer. "I hope so too."

\--

Hyungwon still wasn't quite sure what to make of their odd group. He didn't feel comfortable with them yet, but it wasn't as bad as before.

"Okay okay, I have another one," Kihyun said, holding a hand up to draw everyone's attention. He’d barely finished laughing from his last joke, and the slight shaking of his shoulders gave away how hard he was trying to compose himself. "What do you get when you're in a car crash and both your legs are shattered?"

"What?" a few of them asked. Hyungwon stayed silent.

"A _wheelchair_ ," Kihyun said and immediately began laughing so hard that he fell out of his seat. Minhyuk rolled his eyes and Hoseok smiled nervously, looking between Kihyun and Hyungwon as though trying to send him an apology with his eyes.

But Hyungwon didn't really mind. It was weird being around other people, but it wasn't horrible.

After Kihyun got back on his seat, he and Minhyuk broke into a squabble about something – it sounded like Minhyuk thought Kihyun owed him money, but Kihyun claimed that Minhyuk owed _him_ money.

“You’re an idiot,” Minhyuk said, rolling his eyes at Kihyun as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t even know why I bother listening to you.”

“Yeah, well, more people died in my accident than yours so my opinion is more valid than yours.” Kihyun looked around the room. “Well, guys? Am I right or am I right?”

“I don’t necessarily think it works that way,” Hyunwoo said carefully, and Kihyun just stuck his tongue out at him.

“Does too, they’re called suffering points and I have more of them than Minhyuk so I automatically win every argument.”

“That’s A, completely stupid and irrational and B, not even remotely fair,” Minhyuk pointed out as though anyone was bothering to adjudicate their conversation.

“If you want me to pretend to care about your opinions, then you need to suffer more. That’s my final offer.”

The two continued fighting, and Hyungwon just watched, not feeling comfortable enough to get involved. It was odd; what they were saying was objectively offensive, but it didn’t feel that way. Maybe because they all had some sort of claim to loss and pain.

Except Changkyun, with his fender bender. He looked extremely uncomfortable, but he was doing his best to focus on something he was drawing rather than weighing in on their argument.

Jooheon was sitting behind the drum set as usual, and Hyungwon went over by him. He leaned against the piano and listened as Jooheon tapped out a soft rhythm on the hi hat.

“Well?” Jooheon asked. “Now that you’ve gotten to know them a little bit, what do you think about joining the club?”

Hyungwon shifted his weight, unintentionally striking a few of the keys, and he stood up straight to take his weight off the piano. “I-” Hyungwon paused to sneeze once, then twice more in quick succession. “Sorry,” he said as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force himself to avoid a fourth sneeze. He wasn’t allergic to anything; he usually only had seasonal allergies or reactions triggered by dust. Sure enough, he opened his eyes to see a thin layer of dust on the piano – minus the spot he’d been leaning against – and on the drum set as well.

“It’s fine,” Jooheon said with a laugh. “What do you think about joining, though?” 

Hyungwon shrugged and, to avoid giving a definitive answer, said he needed to leave for therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	18. Chapter 18

“I think it’s great that you went to their club meeting again,” his therapist told him, and he got the distinct impression that she was trying to resist clapping. “You’re really putting yourself out there and taking more chances, Hyungwon. That’s great progress.”

“I guess,” he said, rolling the ball of yarn from his left palm to his right and back. “I even had a sleepover with Jooheon on Friday,” he added.

“Hyungwon, that’s a really big step for you,” she said, sounding shocked and maybe a little impressed. Hyungwon knew that she wasn’t really his friend, that she was just paid to listen to him, but he still felt like she genuinely cared about him and was invested in his success. It made him a little happy to share things with her. “Can you tell me more about this Jooheon?”

Hyungwon shrugged, frowning as he realized that he didn’t really know much about Jooheon at all, and it felt all of a sudden like Jooheon knew way too much about him. He didn’t like being that exposed, especially when it didn’t seem to go both ways. “I don’t know much about him, just that he goes to my school and we have a class together. He’s the one who invited me to the car crash club.”

His therapist blinked, and Hyungwon realized that he’d never mentioned the club name all this time. “The what club?”

“Car crash club,” Hyungwon said, looking down at the yarn because he felt awkward. He shouldn’t have had to be the one to explain since he hadn’t created the club, he’d just sat in on a few meetings. “There are some other kids who have been in car crashes, and they made a club – I don’t really get why – but they all hang out and talk about their experience and stuff. Jooheon kind of understands because he got into a crash with his little brothers, and they...they died...”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” his therapist said with complete sincerity despite her confusion. She shifted and switched legs, crossing her right over her left as she leaned back in her chair. “So you and Jooheon have become close?”

Hyungwon shrugged, playing with the yarn as usual while he tried to think of what to say. It was really starting to bother him that he knew almost nothing about the other. “I guess you could say that. It started with him dropping off school stuff, but then he invited me to their club, and he asked me to hang out and checks up on me every now and then. I think it’s because he’s worried that I’m not doing well.”

His therapist studied him for a moment. “Do _you_ think you’re doing well, Hyungwon?”

Hyungwon looked up at her, and he remembered some of their past sessions, how angry he’d been, how much he’d been hurting, but now...he still had some of those feelings, but they weren’t as acute as before. “I...think so...I’ve felt better in some ways, but I’ve also felt a little weird lately.”

She frowned, but he knew that to be a cue of her interest in what he had to say. “Weird how? Can you describe it for me?”

“Just, I’ll have moments where things don’t make sense. It’s not a big deal, but it just sort of feels off.”

“Can you tell me about some of these incidences?”

Hyungwon described the ones he could remember. The urns, the graves, the restaurant. There had been a few other things, smaller issues he couldn’t remember well, but as he continued describing recent events, he found himself becoming increasingly disconcerted. “Those are just a few.”

Her frown deepened. “Well, those occurrences certainly sound odd, so I can see why you’d be concerned. But the human brain is a fascinating muscle. There are a lot of reasons why you might be experiencing these discrepancies; it could be something as simple as you not getting enough rest, or there may be an issue with conflicting medications. But tell you what, I’ll do a little digging, research a few things about what you said, and we can talk about it next week. Until then, can you do me a favor?”

Hyungwon nodded.

“Any time you experience one of these incidents, I’d like you to record it. If you keep a journal, that would be a perfect place, or even just leaving yourself notes on your phone. Then next week, we can compare everything and try to figure out why you’re experiencing these episodes. Does that sound like a plan?”

Hyungwon nodded again. Sometimes she gave him “assignments” – like homework for therapy – to complete for their next session. Stuff like coming up with a list of things he used to enjoy doing or writing one thing he was grateful for each day. Sometimes Hyungwon forgot to do them, but unlike in school where there were consequences, she just suggested that they work on it during their session.

Obviously, this couldn’t be done during their time, so he made a mental note to himself to write down anything else that felt off.

“So you’ve told me about Jooheon, who else is in this club?” she asked, circling back to their earlier discussion to try and lighten things up and get Hyungwon talking again.

“Well, there’s Minhyuk and Kihyun. They’re always fighting with each other,” Hyungwon said, picturing them in his mind. “Minhyuk is okay, he just has too much energy for me to handle. And Kihyun...” The image of Kihyun laughing himself out of his chair came to mind. “He’s...interesting. He likes to make jokes, I guess. And he’s got a few scars, probably from his crash.”

She nodded, encouraging for him to go on.

“There’s Hoseok and Changkyun. I don’t know much about either of them because they’re both sort of quiet. Hoseok just goes along with everyone else, but Changkyun is a new member like me.” Hyungwon gave a small smile. “There’s also Hyunwoo. I guess his girlfriend died in his crash. He’s pretty nice, and quiet.”

“And they’ve all been in car crashes, too?” she asked.

“Changkyun just got in a fender bender, but the rest of them yeah. Want me to give them your card?” Hyungwon asked, and she froze up for a second because Hyungwon so rarely made jokes during their sessions.

But she gave a small chuckle before shaking her head in disbelief. “Very funny Mister.”

Hyungwon gave a small, guilty smile. He was as surprised with himself as she was; he must have been getting more comfortable. Maybe it had something to do with Jooheon and the club. “That’s everyone. Plus me and Jooheon, if you count me. I’m not really a member, I just sort of show up.”

“Why aren’t you a member?”

Hyungwon shrugged, looking down. “I just don’t want to commit to anything right now.”

“Do you think it’s because you’re scared of losing them somehow?” she asked, and Hyungwon tilted his head, thinking it over.

“Maybe,” he answered honestly. It made sense to him from an objective standpoint. “Or maybe I just don’t want to accept that I’m one of them. A victim. I still feel this guilt,” he said, clutching at his chest, and the fabric of his shirt shifted beneath his fingers, forming ridges and valleys. “And sometimes I think that I’m not allowed to move past that. That to make friends, to join this club...that I’d be replacing my family, which I know I can’t do. And that accepting myself as a victim would be like absolving myself of guilt, which I can’t do either.”

“But you have friends from before the accident, don’t you? Do you feel the same guilt with them?”

Hyungwon shook his head.

“You don’t feel the guilt?”

“No, I don’t have friends from before the accident,” he said, looking up at her to read her reaction. She looked surprised, but she was quick to hide it.

“Did you not get along with your classmates?” she asked, and Hyungwon frowned, trying to recall exactly why he hadn’t had close friends. He couldn’t remember; his recall felt fuzzy at best. All he could do was come up with statements, but he had nothing to support them.

“I don’t really remember. I was probably just too quiet to get to know people.”

She nodded slowly as though trying to figure out whether to press further, but she just gave a final nod and glanced at the clock. “It’s just about four. How about we stop here for today, and you can bring back the list we mentioned earlier for next week.”

Hyungwon nodded and left, his mind uneasy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	19. Chapter 19

Hyungwon arrived for his appointment a little early next week with a folded piece of paper clenched in his right hand. He’d tried to write down the “episodes,” as she’d called them. They were strange. Not scary, really. Just...odd. Like he’d see someone riding a bike, and just for a second, it would turn red, but then he’d blink again and it would be blue or green or whatever color it was supposed to be. Not scary, but...odd.

There were, in total, about a dozen different moments listed on the sheet of paper. He didn’t know what they meant – he was concerned that maybe he’d gotten a head injury from the crash that had never been addressed – but he was hoping she could tell him today.

Even though he was just under half an hour early, she opened the door and popped her head out. “Hyungwon,” she greeted, seeming surprised but also like she was in a rush, which was very out of character for her. “Why don’t you come in?”

Hyungwon’s eyes darted past her, trying to see inside the room, but he couldn’t make out much. “Don’t have you another person right now?” He felt weird calling them clients. And then he felt weird for thinking of _himself_ as a client.

“I cancelled all my other appointments today,” she said, and Hyungwon felt a small flame of panic ignite in his stomach. “I just thought that we have a lot to talk about.” She paused, misreading his nerves. “Don’t worry, Hyungwon, I won’t charge you for any extra time today. I just think that we’re very close to something, and I think it’s best if we try to figure that out today, however long it may take.”

 _Don’t be scared, I’m right here._ The words were from a memory, one that hadn’t yet crystallized in his mind, but instead of providing him calm, he felt a spike of panic.

After a moment, Hyungwon nodded, putting the unclear memory out of his mind. He wanted to know what was wrong with himself as well, after all. He followed her in and took his usual seat, setting the folded paper on the table, but he blinked because he had the acute sense that something was missing.

The yarn. The ball of yarn wasn’t on the table where it normally was.

He looked up as she closed the door. He felt like asking her about it would be stupid, but she seemed to notice his distress as she sat down.

“I’m sorry, Hyungwon. I decided to put the yarn away for today because I’ve noticed that you use it to avoid thinking about things or answering honestly sometimes, and I think that honesty is especially important today.”

Hyungwon frowned but nodded. Maybe it was due to all the changes – starting early, her cancelling her other appointments, her general demeanor, the missing yarn – but he could feel his anxiety growing.

“I know I usually ask you to start our conversations,” she said. Beside her armchair was a small coffee table upon which rested a notepad. She glanced over at it, her frown dipping before she looked back at him. “But today, I’m hoping that it’s all right for me to start off with a few things. Is that okay, Hyungwon?”

He nodded because she was the expert on psychology, not him.

“Okay,” she said, and she took a deep breath as though in an attempt to calm some of her own nervous energy, but it didn’t seem to work. “Last week, you mentioned your new friend Jooheon and the club you’ve joined, right?”

Hyungwon shrugged, his fingers itching for the yarn. He didn’t like sitting still. “I haven’t officially joined, but yes.”

She was silent for a long moment before exhaling sharply. “Hyungwon, I’ve had a week to work on your case and think over what to do, but I don’t know exactly how to go about this. Please forgive me if I will have made this process more painful for you, but it’s my job to help you grow past what’s holding you back and to speak truth to you, even if it’s not always what you want to hear.”

Hyungwon blinked before sinking back into the couch, not at all liking the fact that pain had just been mentioned in correlation with himself. “What process? What do you mean?”

“Hyungwon, there is no Jooheon at your college.”

Hyungwon just stared at her because that was an entirely ridiculous thought. His immediate instinct was to deny her words outright, but he knew that she wouldn’t have spoken them if she didn’t have some basis. He tried to think about what she could be getting at. “Are you saying that he isn’t officially registered as a student there? That maybe...” His brain was spinning, trying to find a logical explanation that would fit both his experiences and her statement. “Maybe he just hangs out there because his friends attend? Or he just sits in on classes?”

“Hyungwon, I’m afraid that neither of those are the case,” she said carefully. She had her arms resting on the armrests as though she were trying to force herself to be relaxed, but her nails dug into the fabric. “Jooheon is actually attending a different college, one that’s about two hours away.”

“Maybe he just skips class sometimes,” Hyungwon said, his own hands clenching up.

“I called an academic advisor at his college, and Jooheon has been marked in attendance for nearly every class since the beginning of the semester.”

Hyungwon shook his head. “That doesn’t make sense. I saw him earlier this week, and last week, and the week before that. Someone messed up the attendance records.” He stopped as a better explanation came to mind, and he looked up at her. “Or you have the wrong Jooheon. That’s probably it.”

“I don’t think so,” she said, and she looked down first, breaking their eye contact even though she was the one who had always been so adamant that he try to meet people’s eyes to raise his own confidence. “I contacted your high school counselor to check about a few things, and when I mentioned Jooheon, she remembered him.”

Hyungwon’s head was starting to feel light in contrast with the heaviness of his body. “So we went to the same high school and never met?”

“Hyungwon, you were friends with Jooheon in high school. He’s the one who told the counselor to check in on you because he was your friend and he thought something might be wrong.”

Hyungwon shook his head. “No, I met Jooheon in college, not even that long ago. And I don’t remember ever going to a school counselor.”

“Hyungwon,” she began slowly, and that was how he knew her next question wouldn’t be something pleasant. “What do you remember about your life before the car accident?”

Hyungwon opened his mouth, but he stopped. He frowned when he realized it was more difficult to answer than he thought it would be. “That’s easy,” he said despite his own confusion at his resistance to the question. “I had Mother, and Father, and Mi-Yeon.”

“All right, but what about high school, for instance?”

Hyungwon shrugged. “It’s a blur.” When he saw her slight frown, he added, “It was four years of the same thing over and over – math and language and science and whatever else. You can’t possibly expect me to recite calculus formulas off the top of my head, do you?”

“But you don’t remember meeting Jooheon in high school?” she pressed.

“No, because it didn’t happen.”

“What about when you were younger, in grade school? Did you have a lot of friends?”

Hyungwon winced as two memories flashed in his mind. The first was an image of classmates surrounding him, cheering as they won a baseball game. But it replaced with a similar view, only he was watching everyone else from far away. “I- I’m not sure. Probably a few. That was a long time ago.”

“Can you tell me a little about your parents? Maybe let’s start with your mother?”

Hyungwon’s first thought was just a ubiquitous feeling of cold. His skin prickled unpleasantly, and he had to resist the urge to rub his arms. But he looked at his therapist and said, “She always told me to make sure I eat breakfast. And...” He frowned as a dull pain settled into his skull. “Something about laundry. I don’t remember exactly.”

After Hyungwon’s statement wasn’t followed by anything else for five seconds, she spoke up. “What else?”

“She was...” Hyungwon’s eyes skittered across the carpet. They were talking about his mother. He knew everything there was to know about her, yet why couldn’t he come up with anything right now? “Nice,” he said after a few seconds, although he didn’t sound completely confident in his answer.

His therapist seemed to sense how blank his mind was and decided to switch the topic. “Let’s talk about your father.”

Hyungwon couldn’t suppress recoiling further back into the couch at the mention, but when he searched his mind for an explanation, he received nothing in return. “He...he...” Like before, Hyungwon couldn’t think. His mind was completely blank until an image of Father filled his mind, and he felt something ugly and dark in his stomach react to the recollection. “Why are you asking me these questions?” Hyungwon asked instead of answering, looking up at her with just enough anger in his voice to hide the fear.

She let his question hang in the air for what seemed like a long time to Hyungwon, but maybe it was only a few seconds. Then, without answering, she asked, “Hyungwon, we haven’t talked about it in all the time I’ve been your therapist, but I think we need to. What do you remember about the crash?”

He stared at her, and the smell of metal and blood filled his senses, overwhelming him. But he saw in her eyes that she needed an answer. “We’re driving,” he began, his entire body tense. He hadn’t told anyone the story. Not the insurance agent, not her, not even Jooheon. But there wasn’t much to tell. “We’re on a backcountry road. There’s nothing in sight but some trees and road. And I look at Father, who’s driving the car, and- and I ask him something. He doesn’t have a chance to answer, because then- then we crash.” Hyungwon looked up at her, at the unreadable expression on her face. “That’s it, that’s all I remember.”

She exhaled slowly, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking directly at him. “Hyungwon...your father wasn’t driving the car.”

Hyungwon stared at her. “He was,” he said, not quite sure what else there was to say or how he was supposed to prove it.

“Hyungwon, your father wasn’t driving the car,” she repeated, still staring at him, and he sensed that she didn’t want him to look away, that she needed him to process every word. “Hyungwon, _you_ were driving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	20. Chapter 20

“Hyungwon, _you_ were driving.”

“No,” Hyungwon immediately denied, and suddenly, he was on his feet, pacing in front of the couch. “Father was driving.” He looked over at her sharply. “I was in the car. You weren’t. I know how it happened, and Father was the one driving.”

“You were driving,” she corrected him softly.

“That’s impossible,” Hyungwon said, shaking his head sharply. “I was sitting in the back with Mi-Yeon.”

“Hyungwon...” Something about her voice made him look over.

“What?” he asked, his voice coming out sharper than he’d meant it to, but he couldn’t force himself to apologize.

“Hyungwon, Mi-Yeon wasn’t in the car.”

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say. His therapist had told him one thing after another, none of which made sense and all of which contradicted what Hyungwon knew to be true. “She was in the car,” Hyungwon said, his voice hoarse as he continued. “I saw her, after the crash. They took her to the hospital with me. And then- I heard her die.” _The gurgling of blood caught in Mi-Yeon's throat. Two machines beeping, then just one._

“I’m sorry Hyungwon, but that isn’t true. Only three of you were in the car. You, your mother, and your father. They pulled you out of the driver’s seat and rushed you to the hospital like you said, but only you. Your parents were dead on arrival.”

Hyungwon forced himself to sit back down, his legs shaking beneath him as he clasped his hands together. He didn’t understand how there were two different truths. Unless, of course, one of them was a lie. But if she was speaking the truth... “Then- is Mi-Yeon...” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence, to give wings to the hope inside of him. The two urns – _only_ two urns – that he’d seen on the shelf in his house a week ago. Had that been the truth?

But he couldn’t finish his question, and she went on. “Hyungwon, your memories from before the crash are vague and unreliable, and from the point of the crash onward, they don’t seem to be accurate. The crash didn’t happen like you remember it happening. Jooheon doesn’t go to your college. In fact, the club you mentioned – I checked with the student life department – doesn’t exist. Those other boys don’t seem to go to your college, either. They were in your high school, but you wouldn’t have seen any of them – including Jooheon – at your college.”

Every sentence crashed into Hyungwon like a wave, spilling into his lungs and forcing out the air.

“These episodes you’ve been having recently – seeing strange things – I think that’s your mind trying to bring you back to reality,” she said, continuing on even as Hyungwon shook his head. “I think you’ve been living in a fantasy. Maybe the places are real. Maybe you’re going to school or to a restaurant or to the cemetery, but the people around you aren’t real. You’re afraid of being alone, and you feel guilty for the accident. That’s understandable. But to have this severe of a reaction – that can’t be all.”

“No,” Hyungwon said weakly, his eyes falling to the table. “That can’t be- no. I talked with them. We went to the restaurant.”

“ _You_ went to the restaurant,” she said.

And Hyungwon remembered the waitress telling him that she’d seen him but that she couldn’t remember anyone else with him. Telling him that she’d bring his drink. Had she brought back anyone else’s?

Just last week in the club room, sneezing at the dust that had accrued on the piano and the drum set. But Jooheon had been playing the drums, so how had dust formed? Unless no one had played the drums in a long time.

Unless Jooheon wasn’t real.

“No,” Hyungwon repeated more firmly, and then he remembered that he could prove that everything was real. He pawed at his pocket, scrabbling for the slip of paper that would show her that he wasn’t lying, that his truth was _the_ truth. He grabbed the coupon and put it on the table in front of her. “Jooheon wrote that. He gave me his number the first time he stopped by my house. See?”

She leaned forward and slowly picked up the coupon, flipping it over to read the back. She stared at it for a long moment, then reached forward to pick up Hyungwon’s sheet of paper listing all the episodes he’d had the past week.

She skimmed the list before setting it back down on the table.

“See?” Hyungwon asked, unsure about why she’d needed to read about the odd occurrences to understand the coupon, but he felt confident in the proof he’d provided. “Jooheon gave that to me. He’s real.”

She set the coupon down on top of the sheet of paper and pushed both closer to Hyungwon. “Can you look at those for me?”

Hyungwon frowned but did as asked, picking them both up and holding the paper in his left hand and the coupon in his right. “What am I looking for?”

“Just read over both of them one more time.”

Hyungwon looked up to try to discern what she wanted to find out, but when she gave away nothing, he looked back at the paper, reading over the dozen entries he’d recorded. Then he looked over at the coupon.

The paper dropped from his left hand as he stared at the scrap of paper, holding it between two hands now, holding onto it so tightly that he could accidentally rip it. “No, no no no,” Hyungwon said, feeling his eyes grow hot with tears.

The numbers were on the paper, but the handwriting was his own.

“Can you believe me now, Hyungwon?” she asked, her voice quiet and sympathetic. “Even the scars on your face – according to the attending physician, they predate the crash. We don’t know exactly how you got them, but they’re a part of your past, too.”

“I don’t understand,” he said, looking down, and a tear spattered across the coupon, but it didn’t matter. The numbers had never meant anything. He’d probably made them up. He’d imagined himself getting calls and having fake conversations over the phone. And none of it had been real. It had all been made up, all in his head.

“There are some cases where people have memories so traumatic that they repress them,” she said, and her voice was so soft, so gentle. It made him feel worse, even as he stared in horror at the slip of paper. “Hyungwon, I think something like that is what’s happening with you, and that you created this fantasy for yourself to avoid facing those memories. But your brain is fighting for you to remember, and it’s going to keep fighting you until you do.”

“Traumatic memories?” Hyungwon asked. He felt dizzy and unstable, like he might fall over at any minute. “You mean- the crash?”

She pinched her lips together slightly as though she didn’t want to have to suggest what she was going to. “This would have happened before the crash, Hyungwon. Why don’t we try walking through what you remember, from the very beginning?”

Hyungwon’s hands felt limp at his sides.

“Hyungwon, what’s the earliest thing you remember?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: the following chapters will be flashbacks!

Hyungwon is six when his father buys him a brand-new bicycle, his first ever. It’s shiny and smells of factory and fresh paint, two distinct smells that excite him because they never buy brand-new things. Mother says they cost too much so he can’t have them, and Father is normally not around to say otherwise. But Father is here today and the bike is new and it smells like adventure, and he loves it the second he lays eyes on it.

He runs around the bike in circles before crouching down next to it and running a finger along the lustrous red paint. It’s bright red like a clown’s nose or like the lollipops they give him at the doctor’s office when he has to get a shot. For just a second, he thinks of the lollipop and then he thinks about licking the bike just to see if it tastes like cherry, but he grins when he realizes how silly that would be. Mother wouldn’t like it if he licked his bike.

_His bike._

He already likes thinking of it that way, as _his_.

“Well? Do you like it?” Father asks, setting a hand down on Hyungwon’s shoulder and rubbing his thumb in circles over the top of his shoulder blade.

Hyungwon looks up, his grin wide, his lips bright and glistening from thoughts of lollipops. “I love it! It’s mine? You promise?”

“It’s yours,” Father says with a laugh. “A bicycle for my good little boy.”

And Hyungwon grins, because the good little boy is him. He is the good little boy, and Father loves him enough to buy him a brand-new red bicycle.

The bike is shiny, and so is he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	22. Chapter 22

Hyungwon is eight when he realizes he is beautiful.

He’s the tallest in his class, and that makes him popular with the boys. Everyone wants him on their team when they play games. And the girls like him too – he sees how they giggle when he looks at them and how they hide their petite faces behind delicate fingers. When he’s shopping with Mother, other mothers stop to tell her what a beautiful little boy she has. And so Hyungwon decides, if everyone else was saying and thinking it, then it must be true. He must be beautiful.

Only Father has never told him that, and Hyungwon sometimes wonders why. He wonders if maybe Father doesn’t like him as much anymore, but he knows this isn’t true because Father brings him lots of nice gifts – toy soldiers, a handheld video game that Mother doesn’t like, plastic dinosaurs. The presents are nice, but the bike is still the best present he’s ever gotten.

Mother doesn’t like it when Father brings him gifts. Hyungwon knows that the little presents all cost money, and he thinks she is worried that they won’t have enough if Father spends it on Hyungwon. But even though Hyungwon knows this, he still doesn’t want to give the gifts up. He likes playing with the toys and showing the other boys at school his handheld game. He’s one of only two boys in the class with one, and sometimes, he lets them have a turn playing. He worries that if she takes his game away, then the other kids might not want to play with him as much.

But Father says he doesn’t need to worry, that he can keep the game and that it’s his to play with.

Although he and Father are going to go camping next weekend, and Father says he can’t bring the game with because camping is about being with nature and not with technology. He says it’ll be a boys’ weekend and that it will be lots of fun.

Hyungwon’s looking forward to camping, but he’ll miss his game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	23. Chapter 23

Father drives them out to a forest preserve that’s about an hour away from their house. He says the trees are beautiful here this time of year, and Hyungwon looks around and takes in all the colors – oranges and yellows and reds – and he thinks that it is beautiful too. He has a backpack on his shoulders full of extra clothes, snacks, and his game that he hid in the very bottom where Father won’t find it. Father has a backpack too full of all their other stuff.

They hike for a long time – Hyungwon doesn’t know how long, just knows that his feet started hurting a while ago but Father kept saying that they were almost there which was always a lie. Finally, they stop in a clearing that’s bordered on trees by three sides. The fourth side is open and provides a view of the rest of the preserve.

“Listen up,” Father says as he sets down his backpack. It must be heavy because it makes a loud sound as he drops it to the ground. “You can’t go over there-” He points to the open side of the clearing. “Unless I’m with you because it’s dangerous, okay? There’s a very steep decline, and if you fall, you could get hurt badly. Okay, Hyungwon?”

Hyungwon nods to say that he understands, and he tugs off his backpack as well, flinging it onto the ground and bouncing on his feet a few times now that the weight is off his back.

Father sets up the tent, and when the stars begin to peek out from behind the curtain of darkening sky, Father takes Hyungwon over to the edge of the clearing. They sit down and look out over the preserve, the hills and valleys blurring into a vague expanse of shadow. Then they look to the sky. Father points out a constellation before setting his arm around Hyungwon’s shoulder. Hyungwon scoots in a little, the chill of the forest setting into his bones, and he points to the sky and makes up a few constellations of his own. Father laughs, and despite the cold, Hyungwon feels warm.

Inside the tent, they get ready for bed, and Father helps him get undressed. Father tells Hyungwon that he is beautiful for the first time. Hyungwon tells Father that he is cold and wants to change into warm pajamas, but Father says that it’s okay, he’ll warm Hyungwon up. He rubs his hands up and down Hyungwon’s arms, and the friction does indeed warm Hyungwon up. Father says they can sleep next to each other to stay warm, and so Hyungwon moves his pillow next to Father’s. He closes his eyes but can’t get comfortable. The ground is hard and he still feels cold even though he’s next to Father. He turns over to make sure Father is sleeping before getting up and grabbing his game out of his backpack. He slips back next to Father, laying on his stomach, and turns the sound off on his game before he starts playing.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but then Father asks, “I thought I told you not to bring your game, Hyungwon.”

“Sorry,” Hyungwon says immediately, shutting the game before looking over at Father to see if he’s disappointed in him, but Father just puts a hand on his back and rubs his palm in circles.

“I’m not mad at you,” Father says, and Hyungwon exhales in relief, a small smile lighting up his face. “Now be a good boy and go to sleep,” Father instructs, squeezing his shoulder once, and Hyungwon nods, shoving the game under his pillow because he doesn’t want to get up and go to his backpack. He knows Father buys him gifts because he’s a good boy, and he doesn’t want Father to stop. He can be a good boy. Even if the game is poking against his head from under the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	24. Chapter 24

Father takes Hyungwon camping again. Hyungwon says he wants to watch the stars come out like last time, and Father says okay, they can do that. They’re sitting by the edge of the clearing and staring up at the sky. Hyungwon has been looking up for so long that his neck is starting to hurt, but he doesn’t want to look away and miss anything. The sky is beautiful here, not like by their house where you can’t see many stars at all.

Father puts an arm under each of Hyungwon’s and lifts him up before setting him back down in his lap. Hyungwon leans back against Father’s chest, taking in the warmth.

Father asks him about school, and Hyungwon tells him all about the games they play outside and how just this week, he got to be team captain. Father says that’s great, and he rubs a hand up and down on Hyungwon’s chest. To keep him warm, he says. Hyungwon doesn’t mind because it’s true that he gets cold easily. He tells Father about some of the other kids in the class and his teacher, and he rambles on for a while about what they’re learning and their class pet, which is a guinea pig named Salt & Pepper for its white and black spots.

Father listens to Hyungwon. It makes him feel special because Father cares about what he has to say. He might be the only one in the whole world who does. Hyungwon tells him this, and Father wraps his other arm around Hyungwon so he’s enclosed in a hug, and Father tells him that he’s right, that Father is the only one who really cares about Hyungwon and loves him, and isn’t Hyungwon lucky?

Hyungwon nods. Tonight, he feels very lucky and very special. He tells Father this, too, and Father stares at him for a moment before giving him a kiss. Not a kiss like Mother gives him on the forehead, but one on his lips.

That’s our secret, okay? Father tells him, and Hyungwon grins. Their first secret. Only Father and Hyungwon know about it. Father asks him if he can keep the secret, and Hyungwon says of course he can. Father tells him that he’s trusting Hyungwon, and Hyungwon feels warm – warmer than Father’s arms holding him.

Father says Hyungwon can trust him too. He can tell Father all of his secrets, and Father will never say a word to anyone. And Hyungwon is so desperate to share with someone who really listens to him, the only one who really cares about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	25. Chapter 25

They’re camping again. Hyungwon is a little less excited this time because he knows now that camping means a lot of walking and bugs and not being able to sleep. He still jams his game in the bottom of his backpack.

Father sets up the tent like usual, and Hyungwon draws shapes in the dirt with a stick until dusk sets in. He knows he isn’t supposed to sit by the edge by himself, but the stars are just starting to come out, and he’s decided that that’s his favorite part about camping.

Only Father doesn’t want to look at the stars tonight. He tells Hyungwon to come into the tent, and Hyungwon’s scared that Father will be mad at him for sitting by the edge.

But Father says he isn’t mad, he just wants to spend some time alone with just them boys. Hyungwon doesn’t understand why they can’t spend time alone looking at the stars, but he isn’t about to argue with Father.

Father says he has a new game for them to play. Hyungwon loves games – he gets picked first for recess almost every day. Father says he knows and that he’s proud of Hyungwon. He says this new game is a find-it game. The rules to the game are that Father will name something, and Hyungwon has to find it and show Father to win. Father asks if Hyungwon understands the game, and Hyungwon says he does.

Father tells Hyungwon that he has to find a birthmark, and Hyungwon is so excited – he knows that he has one on his chest a little below his collarbone. Father says that he doesn’t believe him, and Hyungwon lifts his shirt up, pointing at a small birthmark shaped sort of like a teacup without the handle. Father squints and leans in, tracing his finger up Hyungwon’s chest and stopping on the birthmark.

He smiles at Hyungwon, and Hyungwon asks if he gets a point. Father says he does, just one point because that one was easy.

By the end of the night, Hyungwon has lots of points, too many for him to keep count. Usually he likes winning games, but he feels sort of weird tonight. He thinks that, even if he won the game, maybe he doesn’t like it that much. He tells Father that the game isn’t very fun and maybe they shouldn’t play it again.

Father says okay, that he’ll find a different game for them to play next time.

He even says that Hyungwon can play on his game – he knows Hyungwon packed it – for a while before they sleep.

Hyungwon is excited. He gets out his game and plays for a while, even beating two levels. Father doesn’t make him stop this time; instead, he closes up the game on his own and puts it just out of reach. He doesn’t have to hide it this time because Father said it was okay.

The game isn’t under the pillow this time, but he still can’t get any sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	26. Chapter 26

Another camping trip, another night of watching the stars. They go into the tent for the night, and Hyungwon asks Father if he’s made up a new game for them. Father says he hasn’t, not yet, that he’s still thinking of what they should play, but he has something else for them to do tonight.

He brings out a glossy magazine, and on the cover is a girl who isn’t wearing anything. Hyungwon stares at the picture. He feels like he shouldn’t be looking because it’s wrong to look at someone else who’s naked, but Father tells him that it’s okay to look, it’s not wrong. Father flips through the magazine slowly, and Hyungwon sees all different men and women, most of them with no clothes on or some with only very little. He tells Father he still feels wrong looking at the pictures and that his stomach hurts, and Father closes the magazine, looking over at Hyungwon.

He asks Hyungwon why he thinks it’s wrong, and Hyungwon says that they shouldn’t be naked and that he shouldn’t be looking at them when they are. But Father tells him that it’s okay to be naked, that being naked with people is how you show them you love them. Hyungwon tells Father that he doesn’t know the people in the magazine and how could he possibly love them or them him?

Father laughs and admits that Hyungwon is right, that he’s such a smart boy, and Hyungwon feels a little better. But Father tells Hyungwon that he doesn’t have to love the people in the magazine, but are there people in his life that he loves very much?

Hyungwon looks up at Father. You, he says as though it’s the most obvious fact in the world. And to him, it is.

Father agrees with him and says that he loves Hyungwon very much, and that Hyungwon should remember how he’s the only person who really cares about Hyungwon.

Hyungwon says that he knows that. Father asks if he’s the only one Hyungwon really cares about in return, and Hyungwon hesitates. What about Mother? he asks.

Father says it’s okay to love Mother, as long as Hyungwon doesn’t love Mother more than he loves Father. Hyungwon says he thinks that’s okay because he loves Father the best, and this seems to make Father happy.

He says they don’t have to look at the magazine anymore for tonight, but that Hyungwon should always remember that it’s okay to show the people you love exactly how you love them, and that you can do that not only with your words and your heart but with your body too. Hyungwon isn’t quite sure that he understands yet, but he tells Father he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	27. Chapter 27

On their next camping trip, they unpack in the clearing as usual, but then Father tells Hyungwon he has a special treat. Hyungwon follows Father a little deeper into the woods, and they emerge at a small lake that has the clearest water Hyungwon has ever seen.

Well? Father asks Hyungwon as he puts an arm around his shoulder, Do you like it?

Hyungwon says he does. His eyes are skimming across the water, and he wants to jump in. He asks Father if they can swim, and Father says of course they can swim, but first, what do good little boys say when they receive something nice?

Hyungwon thinks for a moment before grinning and saying thank you, and Father nods before saying that he’s welcome. Then Father tells Hyungwon that since there’s no one else out here, they can take off their clothes to swim. That way, they won’t get them all wet.

Hyungwon says okay – he’s never gone skinny dipping before and it sounds exciting. He throws off his shirt, socks, pants, and underwear on the shore along with his shoes, and he splashes into the water, whooping as the frigid water meets his skin. It’s cold but he doesn’t want to get out.

Father joins him a minute later, and they swim around together in the lake until Hyungwon’s teeth are chattering against each other. Father notices – he always pays special attention to Hyungwon – and says that they should probably get out.

Hyungwon is sad to go, but they leave the water behind and step back onto the shore. As they start putting their clothes back on, Hyungwon accidentally looks over at Father and quickly looks away, but Father says it’s okay to look and that Hyungwon didn’t do anything wrong, and didn’t Hyungwon remember what they’d talked about last time? How it was okay to be naked with people you loved?

Hyungwon says that he remembers, and Father tells him that he’s a good boy. Father says Hyungwon can look at Father if he wants or even touch him, but Hyungwon says he doesn’t know. It seems strange to him.

Father takes one of Hyungwon’s hands in his own and slowly guides Hyungwon’s hand until his palm is resting on Father’s thigh. There, Father says, Is that so strange?

Hyungwon crinkles his nose and tells Father that his legs are hairy.

Father laughs, and the two of them finish putting on their clothes.

Hyungwon remembers how, even though the water was cold, Father’s skin felt warm beneath his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	28. Chapter 28

Hyungwon decides, on their next camping trip, that he doesn’t like Father’s new game very much at all. It feels weird, and it’s a little bit scary.

Don’t be scared, Father tells him, I’m right here.

Hyungwon doesn’t know how to tell Father that it’s Father’s game that is scaring him. He tries to tell Father that he doesn’t like this game, that he doesn’t want to play anymore, but Father says that this is a special game – a secret game that they can’t tell anyone else about - and they have to play. Throughout the game, Father tells Hyungwon what a good boy he is and how special he is, and Hyungwon tries to focus on these comments until the game is over. He thinks he cried once, but he can’t remember much after it’s done.

Father lets him play on his handheld game after they finish playing their own game. Hyungwon only plays for a few minutes. Usually, he likes playing the handheld game, but he feels strange and achy tonight. He puts the game aside and lays down.

He can’t sleep, and after a few minutes, he sits up and grabs his pillow.

“Where are you going?” Father asks.

“I’m going to move over there,” Hyungwon says, pointing to the other side of the tent. “It’s too hot sleeping next to you.”

“Stay here,” Father says, putting a hand on Hyungwon’s pillow to smooth it out. “The night air is cold. You’ll cool down soon enough. Or you can sleep without your blanket.”

Hyungwon doesn’t want to sleep without his blanket because then he’ll be naked and he’ll feel embarrassed. So he just lays back down, feeling sticky and uncomfortably hot, and he tries to forget about the game they played.

\--

Monday comes, and when he goes to school, Hyungwon gives his handheld game to one of the other boys in his class. He doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t want it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	29. Chapter 29

Hyungwon is twelve, and he’s mostly alone in school now. After he gave away his game to one of the other kids in his class, kids wanted to play with that kid instead of him, and that was okay with Hyungwon. He used to enjoy playing with the other kids in his class, but he doesn’t anymore and he’s not sure why. He feels like things are different now, that he is different from them. He eats lunch alone in the classroom, and when the school day is over, he walks home.

Father tells him that they’re going to go camping again. Hyungwon is upset because they go camping rather often and it isn’t fun anymore. He doesn’t even like looking at the stars at night. Father says they’re going and that’s that, but Hyungwon throws a tantrum.

Father apologizes and says that they don’t have to go, but would Hyungwon still like to spend some time with Father? And Hyungwon, realizing how childish and selfish he is being and how much Father dislikes when he behaves that way, agrees.

And so that night, instead of camping out in a tent among the trees, Hyungwon and Father make a little blanket tent in Hyungwon’s room. When they finish, Hyungwon says that his bed is too small for both of them, and Father says that it’s okay, they’ll just sleep close together. Hyungwon is unsure, but Father says it’s okay and Hyungwon trusts Father.

Father helps Hyungwon change, pulling his shirt up over his head and helping him get his pants and underwear off. Father begins undressing too, and Hyungwon hesitates. He asks if Father is going to get pajamas, but Father says that if they’re sleeping so close together, they’ll get too hot with pajamas on. This makes sense to Hyungwon, so they both climb into Hyungwon’s bed, Father’s chest to Hyungwon’s back. And Hyungwon realizes that Father is right, that even with no clothes on, he’s already a little too warm.

He tells Father of this and says that maybe they should sleep in different rooms.

Father asks if that means that Hyungwon doesn’t love him.

Hyungwon quickly tells Father that he loves him, and Father says that he isn’t sure that he believes Hyungwon. Hyungwon is almost in tears and he tells Father that he really truly loves him, that he loves Father more than anyone else and how can he show Father that?

Father says that it’s okay, he believes Hyungwon, and all he needs to do to convince Father is to just lay with him tonight, even if it’s a little warm. Hyungwon tries to sleep, but it’s difficult because he feels parts of Father pressing against him. Hyungwon turns over so he’s face-to-face with Father, and Father asks him what’s wrong.

Hyungwon tells Father, and Father asks Hyungwon what specifically he felt. Hyungwon points, and Father says, Don’t point, I can’t see well in the dark. Just touch whatever you felt, okay?

Hyungwon hesitates. It feels wrong somehow, even though Father has told him many times that it’s perfectly okay and even though Father has touched parts of Hyungwon.

Father encourages him to go ahead, and after a second, Hyungwon puts his hand on what he had felt earlier. It feels wrong and dirty somehow, and he tells Father this, tears in his eyes even as his hand still rests on his Father’s skin.

Father tells Hyungwon that it’s okay, that he’s okay, and he rubs a hand along Hyungwon’s back and a little lower.

Even though they’re on a mattress and not on the hard ground of the forest, Hyungwon can’t sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	30. Chapter 30

Hyungwon is fourteen when he’s sitting on a school bench by himself as all the other kids play in the yard. He can’t bring himself to talk or play with any of the others anymore. He watches as they play in the yard, and he lingers in the classroom when school ends to watch as they all rush off to clubs. Sometimes he wants to join them, but Father says that the things he and Hyungwon do together are a secret that he can’t tell anyone else.

The other day, they were in Hyungwon’s room. Father stopped taking Hyungwon camping because he said they would be more comfortable at home and have more time together. And Hyungwon loves Father, he really does, and he knows Father loves him and cares about him, but he felt wrong yesterday. Father was taking pictures of him, and he knows Hyungwon doesn’t like that because he feels very exposed. It’s okay to be like that with Father because Father cares about Hyungwon, but he doesn’t like being naked when Father takes photos because Hyungwon doesn’t know who’s going to see those photos.

But Father promised Hyungwon that nobody would see the photos but Father, and Hyungwon if he wanted. Hyungwon told Father that he didn’t want to see them because he thought it would be strange. Like seeing himself on one of the magazines that Father had showed him when he was younger.

But Father told Hyungwon that he was very beautiful, and didn’t Hyungwon want to see himself how Father saw him?

So Father showed him the photos of himself stretched out across the bed. But Hyungwon couldn’t see the beauty that Father saw when he looked at them. Instead, he saw the scars, small ones across his body from when Father hadn’t been gentle enough with him.

The photos upset him, so he asked Father to delete them. Father got angry with him, holding the camera away so Hyungwon couldn’t reach it. He told Hyungwon that maybe he would leave, and then Hyungwon would be all alone and nobody would care about him, and would that make Hyungwon happy then?

The thought of living without Father expelled the breath from his lungs. Hyungwon got on his knees and apologized over and over again, saying Father could keep the pictures if he’d just stay with Hyungwon and not abandon him.

And Father crouched beside him and ran a hand up his chest and caressed his throat where some marks still laid. Father said he wasn’t mad at Hyungwon, but Hyungwon would have to do something special for him in return.

Now Hyungwon is sitting on the bench, looking out at all the other kids. He wonders if they all have someone who cares about them as much as Father cares about Hyungwon, even if it’s unpleasant for Hyungwon sometimes. Father says their occasional fights are just signs that they care about each other too much.

For just a moment, he lets himself imagine Father leaving him behind, and the pain is so acute and precise that he thinks for a second that it actually happened. But then he remembers that Father promised to stay with him, that Father will be waiting for him when he goes home, and he can breathe again.

It takes him a moment to notice that his view of the yard is blocked. Hyungwon looks up to see an unfamiliar boy looking down at him. Hyungwon doesn’t say anything; he’s confused and thinks it’s best to just wait and see what happens.

“Hey,” the boy says after a moment. “Can I sit on the bench?”

“Oh,” Hyungwon says, moving over to his left to make room for the other. “Sure.”

The boy sits down, and Hyungwon thinks that that’s the end of the conversation, but apparently it’s not because the boy asks for his name.

“I’ve never seen you around before, Hyungwon,” the boy says after Hyungwon tells him.

“I go to school here,” Hyungwon says after a minute as though the boy is contesting this fact.

“For how long?” the boy asks.

“Since the beginning of the year.” Hyungwon doesn’t understand these questions or why he’s being asked them.

“We’re supposedly in the same class, but how come I’ve never seen you?”

Hyungwon looks out across the yard, thinking about just ignoring the boy, but he answers anyway. “I don’t know. I’m just quiet.”

The two boys fall into a long gap of silence. Hyungwon watches the other kids. He doesn’t know what the other boy is watching.

“I’m Jooheon,” the other boy says, standing up from the bench and stretching before turning to face Hyungwon.

Hyungwon frowns because he doesn’t understand why he needs to know this boy’s name. “Why are you here?” Hyungwon asks, thinking that it would be much nicer if the boy left Hyungwon alone on the bench and went to play in the yard with the rest of their class instead.

“Because,” Jooheon says, sticking his hands in his pockets and kicking at the dirt. He turns slightly so Hyungwon is only looking at his profile. “I thought you might need a friend. And I thought I might be just the guy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	31. Chapter 31

It’s later that year that Hyungwon is invited over to a friend’s house for the first time. Or at least, Jooheon calls himself Hyungwon’s friend, but Hyungwon isn’t sure yet. He thinks maybe it would be nice to have a friend.

Ever since Jooheon approached him on the bench, Hyungwon has been observing Jooheon. They’re in the same class, and Jooheon sits with him at lunch now. Most days, Jooheon leaves after school to go to a club he’s in. Hyungwon can’t go of course, but he still thinks that it would be nice.

When Hyungwon asks Father for permission to go to Jooheon’s house, Father seems suspicious, as though he doesn’t like Jooheon even though he’s never met him. Hyungwon tells Father that it’s okay, he doesn’t have to go, but he finds himself secretly hoping Father will let him.

Father says okay, but that they will spend time together after Hyungwon comes home from Jooheon’s. Hyungwon hurriedly agrees and leaves the house, checking the address that Jooheon wrote down for him. Hyungwon has a phone, but it only has Father’s number in it and Father told him he can’t have anyone else’s. The phone is special, used only for the two of them. Sometimes Father sends him pictures or messages that make Hyungwon uncomfortable, but if he doesn’t reply, then Father will be upset, so he has to keep it on all the time. He hopes Father doesn’t message him while he’s with Jooheon.

But for now, he focuses on getting to Jooheon’s house. When he arrives, he notices that it’s a lot different from his own. The garden beds are carefully managed, and while the lawn looks neat and trim, there are a few toys scattered across the grass. Hyungwon knocks on the door, and it opens inward, revealing not Jooheon but two little boys who look identical. Their eyes are wide and curious, and their hair sticks up in funny little points.

“JOOHEON!” one of them yells, and Hyungwon takes a step back to distance himself from the sudden loudness. “YOUR FRIEND IS HERE!”

Jooheon appears a second later, pushing the other two boys behind him as he invites Hyungwon in. “Sorry about them, they’re my little brothers, Minjae and Minjun.”

“We’re twins!” one of them – Hyungwon can’t tell which one even though Jooheon just pointed them out – shouts.

“Hi,” Hyungwon says after a moment, giving them a small wave, but they’re already bounding further into the house.

\--

Dinner is strange. Jooheon’s mother and father are at the table, and so are his little brothers. Including Hyungwon, that makes six people, which feels like a lot to him. Jooheon’s mother fills a plate for him and tells him to eat everything and feel free to ask for seconds, and his father asks Hyungwon about his family.

Hyungwon tells them that it’s just him, Mother, and Father, and he blushes and looks down when he speaks of Father. He doesn’t say any more than that because he knows there are secrets he’s not supposed to tell. Luckily for him, Minjae and Minjun have a lot to talk about, so dinner passes quickly.

\--

When he goes home that night, he tells Father all about it. He thinks that Father will be happy for him that he’s made a friend, but Father’s reaction surprises him. Father seems angry or maybe jealous. He makes Hyungwon tell him that Jooheon will never replace Father, and he makes Hyungwon promise that he’ll never touch Jooheon or let Jooheon touch him. Hyungwon promises all of these things, but Father still isn’t satisfied.

He reminds Hyungwon that he can’t ever tell anyone their secret, and that even if Hyungwon did tell someone, no one would ever believe him.

Hyungwon is scared. Father has never said these kinds of things to him before. He feels almost threatened. He expects Father to apologize as normal and tell Hyungwon that he’s only saying these things because cares about him, but Father remains angry and harsh that night.

Hyungwon stays home from school the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	32. Chapter 32

Hyungwon falls into a pattern. Father lets Hyungwon hang out with Jooheon, but he always uses these occasions as leverage over him. If Father lets Hyungwon go to Jooheon’s house, then he says that Hyungwon owes him a favor, the kind of favor only Father asks of him. And Hyungwon doesn’t think it’s very fair, but he doesn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with Father. And yet he doesn’t want to stop beings friends with Jooheon, either.

Hyungwon comes to a rather frightening realization. When he’s at Jooheon’s house, he observes how their family interacts, mainly because he’s so fascinated by what a larger family is like. He sees how Jooheon’s mother hugs them and how Jooheon’s father rustles their hair or pats them on the shoulder, but Hyungwon doesn’t see Jooheon and his father in the same way that he views himself and Father. Something is different, and he doesn’t know which way is wrong.

But he thinks that if he’s the one with the secret, then maybe he’s wrong. Maybe what him and Father are doing is wrong, just like how Hyungwon felt. But Father always tells him that it’s normal, that Hyungwon is just special.

He wonders if maybe Jooheon just isn’t special like he is and that’s why they’re different. But he can’t get rid of the feeling that maybe he’s the one who is abnormal.

Hyungwon never invites Jooheon to his house, and Jooheon never asks why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	33. Chapter 33

Hyungwon is fifteen when they read a book in school that feels all too familiar. The book is about a young boy who is in Boy Scouts. His troop leader pulls him aside and tells him that he’s special, that he’s different from the other boys. The leader brings the boy gifts, and sometimes, he has the boy’s parents drop him off for a Boy Scout meeting, only no other boys were invited. He takes pictures of the boy and keeps them on a wall in his basement.

And the boy doesn’t understand what’s happening.

And Hyungwon doesn’t want to understand either, but he feels scared. He tells himself that he is not the boy in the book, that the boy is fictional and Hyungwon is real and so is his relationship with Father. The person who wrote the book couldn’t possibly understand what they meant to each other. No one cares about Hyungwon except for Father. Father listens to him and loves him. Hyungwon needs Father. The book makes it all sound so horrible, and Hyungwon doesn’t know what to think.

He’s confused, and he goes home to ask Father about it. Father takes the book from his hands, and he skims over the parts of it that Hyungwon was concerned about. He sets the book down and looks at Hyungwon.

Do you really think this book is about us? he asks Hyungwon. Does that sound anything like our relationship?

Hyungwon hesitates. He thinks that yes, certain parts of it are eerily similar to some of his past memories, but he sees how Father is looking at him and knows that he can’t admit what he thinks. I don’t know, he says because he can’t completely deny it.

You don’t know? Father asks. He sounds astounded that Hyungwon would suggest such a thing. Do you think the adult in this book loves the boy? he asks.

Hyungwon says no.

And do you think that I love you? Father asks Hyungwon next.

Hyungwon says that he knows this.

Then how are these two things even similar? Father says, and Hyungwon has no response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	34. Chapter 34

Hyungwon is first raped when he is sixteen. He discounts the years before because he didn’t understand enough about consent to have realized that his had never been given. But when he’s sixteen, he tells Father that he thinks they should stop, at least until Hyungwon could figure out a few things. Hyungwon remembers it was a Wednesday.

As usual when Hyungwon says something Father doesn’t like, Father asks Hyungwon if he doesn’t love him anymore. Hyungwon says he still loves Father and doesn’t want Father to leave, but he thinks that maybe what they’re doing isn’t right and that they should just love each other with their words and hearts instead.

Father gets angry. He tells Hyungwon that he taught him everything he knows and that where would Hyungwon be without him?

And Hyungwon is scared but says he doesn’t want to do those things with Father anymore. At least for now, he concedes.

Father says that Hyungwon is fucking around with Jooheon now, isn’t he? And that he thinks he doesn’t need Father anymore?

Hyungwon tries to tell Father this isn’t true – he’s never touched anyone else, and Father is the only one who has been with him – but Father doesn’t believe him.

And so Father does what he usually does, only this time Hyungwon is crying and he keeps asking Father to stop, but Father doesn’t stop until he’s done what he came to do. Father, who was always a good listener, ignores Hyungwon’s pleas. Hyungwon can barely breathe with his face pressed into the bedsheets, but finally, he’s alone. He hurts both inside and out, and he’s scared of what this means for him and Father. If maybe Father would leave him after all because Hyungwon doesn’t want to be with him anymore, not in the way that Father wanted.

His bedroom door creaks open, and Hyungwon flinches. He’s never been as afraid of Father as he is right now because he’s finally realizing that maybe Father doesn’t care about him at all, that he doesn’t care about what Hyungwon wants and doesn’t want because he wouldn’t have done this to Hyungwon if he did care.

But when he looks over, he doesn’t see Father but Mother in the doorway. He’s hurt and humiliated, and for just a second, he thinks that maybe she’ll help him, or at least make the pain go away.

But all she says to him is, Use ammonia when you wash the bedsheets to get the blood out.

And then she shuts the door, and he’s alone again, more alone than he’s ever been, and he’s terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	35. Chapter 35

Life for Hyungwon becomes Hell. He sometimes wonders if he should have never said anything to Father, if they could have just continued on like they had been. Because even though some things are the same, the realization that everything is horribly wrong has seeped into his mind to stain every memory, even the good ones, because now he wonders if it was all just to manipulate Hyungwon into being pliant to Father’s wishes.

The other thing that’s different is that Father is rarely warm towards him anymore. He no longer tells Hyungwon that he’s a good boy or that he’s special. He only approaches Hyungwon when he needs something, and if Hyungwon doesn’t comply, then Father threatens him in order to get it.

Hyungwon soon finds out that Father took pictures of him after that first horrible Wednesday, and he tells Hyungwon that he’ll share the photos with others if Hyungwon doesn’t do as he’s told. And so what choice does Hyungwon have?

One time, Father threatens him, and Hyungwon is feeling so tired and broken-down that he says he doesn’t care. Share the photos, it doesn’t matter. He tells Father that he’ll tell people what’s happening, that he’ll tell his teacher or the counselor and then everything will be over. And Father tells him that no one will believe him, that everyone will think he’s dirty and worthless and unclean. That if he tells anyone, maybe – _maybe_ \- Father will be held responsible - if anyone believes Hyungwon - but that Hyungwon will be ruined irreparably.

Father leaves Hyungwon after telling him this, and Hyungwon thinks that he’s won for today.

But then something happens in school the next week. There’s a photo going around, and soon, everyone has seen it and saved it on their phones. The head has been cropped out of the picture so nobody can tell who it is, but the picture is of a naked boy, his body on full display. It’s not the picture from the Wednesday but one of the ones from a while back, when Father had convinced Hyungwon to pose for the camera so Father could have special photos of Hyungwon for just himself to look at.

Hyungwon doesn’t know how Father spread the photo to his school. He spends the day curled over in a bathroom stall, his stomach riddled with such anxiety that he feels he’ll throw up any second. No one knows it’s him in the picture, and no one will suspect him because no one knows him. But his humiliation is complete and devastating. Not only has Father shown him that he cannot win, but now everyone has unknowingly seen him in the most intimate of ways. Father has made a mockery out of his vulnerability, and it is this that hurts the most.

He’s terrified of changing in gym in case someone recognizes him. He further distances himself from others, even avoiding Jooheon for several weeks.

And all the while, he hears what people say about him, although they don’t know it’s him they’re talking about. Horrible things. Dirty things. And Hyungwon knows, with a sickening twist in his stomach, that Father was right and will always be right. He’s disgusting, unclean, impure, and even if he tells someone, they won’t believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


	36. Chapter 36

“So you’re done avoiding me?” Jooheon asks. They’re sitting on the bench as usual, and they haven’t talked in three weeks. Hyungwon’s been in school off and on. Sometimes he puts up a fight against Father. He always loses, and the fallout requires a day or two of healing.

“I’m sorry,” Hyungwon says, hands clasped and hanging loosely above his knees. He looks out across the field. He’s cold. All the warmth in his life – Father’s love for him, believing he was special, believing someone cared about him – has since expired. His touch doesn’t warm him anymore, only brings him pain. But Hyungwon’s mind is quieter than it has been in a while. There’s no confusion anymore, no wondering whether things were wrong, because now he knows with a cold certainty. Things are wrong – have always been wrong – and there is no changing that. “I just needed some time. To think about things.”

Jooheon doesn’t say anything for a while, and Hyungwon wonders if Jooheon is mad at him. He finds that he doesn’t much care. Hyungwon thinks he deserves this much. If Jooheon can’t give him space when he needs it, then maybe he doesn’t need Jooheon.

For just a moment, Hyungwon feels a flash of rage towards Jooheon. He’s the one who shattered the happy illusion Hyungwon had been living. He hadn’t questioned the wrongness of everything until he’d seen Jooheon’s interactions with his own father. But Hyungwon isn’t really mad at him, just sad and frustrated. He wonders if Jooheon has seen the picture of him. He wonders if Jooheon knows it’s him.

He hopes not. But he’s learned that his hopes are no longer taken into consideration.

“What are you thinking about?” Jooheon asks sometime later.

“Leaving,” Hyungwon answers. It’s something he’s started considering. He knows that if he stays, it won’t end. He thinks that maybe if he can get out of this town, get away from Father, then maybe he’ll have a chance. Not at being okay, but at a less painful existence. He doesn’t know how long he can live like this.

Jooheon looks over at Hyungwon. “What?” he asks. He doesn’t know about Hyungwon’s secret, and if Hyungwon can help it, he never will. “What do you mean, leaving?”

Hyungwon stares at the horizon, and he wonders where it could take him. “I mean getting on a bus or a train and just going.”

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

Hyungwon is ashamed to admit it to himself, but there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to leave, a part of him that needs Father and doesn’t want to be abandoned. But Hyungwon knows Father manipulated him to think that way, and he’s trying to be stronger than that tainted part of him.

“Hyungwon, you can’t just leave,” Jooheon says. The way he says it makes it sound like Hyungwon is crazy for even suggesting it. “What about school? And your family?”

Hyungwon could laugh – or cry – at the irony. “My family,” he muses quietly. The other kids in the yard are playing baseball today. Hyungwon can still hear them cheering all those years ago when he was pitching and he struck a kid out. That was a different time, and a different Hyungwon. “They’ll be upset,” he says after a moment, and it’s true. He can see Father going into a rage, destroying everything in Hyungwon’s room. He can see Mother pretending not to notice as she sets out only two plates for dinner, already adjusting to her increased share of Father’s attention.

“You can’t just run away,” Jooheon says, and he’s very serious for once.

“Maybe not,” Hyungwon says, only to satisfy Jooheon in the moment. He’s still looking at the horizon. He wants so badly for this nightmare to be over, one way or another.


	37. Chapter 37

Hyungwon has been missing more school. Father is not kind, almost as though he can sense that all Hyungwon can think about is a bus ticket. Hyungwon notices how Jooheon looks at him more often now. He can tell that Jooheon is curious, and not in a good way.

Father frequently reminds Hyungwon what will happen if anyone finds out.

And so Hyungwon keeps silent about what happens at home while Father continues to torment him.

He’s at Jooheon’s house one time when his phone buzzes. It’s Father, instructing Hyungwon to send explicit photos. Hyungwon freezes up; Jooheon is just several feet away, picking out a game to play. He hasn’t seen the text.

Hyungwon texts back that he can’t right now; he’s at Jooheon’s house. He doesn’t want to at all, but he knows that if he outright refuses, tonight will be worse than usual.

But Father doesn’t accept his excuse. He texts Hyungwon that he’ll make sure he won’t be able to go to school for a week if he doesn’t send the pictures.

Hyungwon’s hands are shaking as he slips his phone into his pocket and tells Jooheon that he has to use the bathroom. Jooheon just says okay and keeps looking over video games. He doesn’t even look up.

Hyungwon returns several minutes later. His bangs are slightly wet; he had to splash water onto his face to stop himself from throwing up. Jooheon’s finally picked out the game, and Hyungwon proceeds to lose the first round.

His phone buzzes again, and his stomach roils further. He doesn’t want to look but he knows he’ll make things worse for himself if he doesn’t. He puts down the video game controller and pulls out his phone to find several obscene comments. Father’s comments were always an incomprehensible mess, sometimes praising Hyungwon and sometimes criticizing him in the harshest of ways.

Hyungwon types back something vulgar in the way that Father likes him to. He feels filthy as he sends the message, and he feels even filthier when he imagines Father reading it and what he might be doing at this very moment in response to the pictures. But he’s scared what will happen if he doesn’t. Scared of what tonight will bring.

Jooheon sees him put the phone away but doesn’t say anything, even when Hyungwon starts crying. Jooheon just turns off the game and remains sitting beside Hyungwon. He tries to put an arm around Hyungwon’s shoulders to hold him, but Hyungwon smacks his arm away. He can’t stand to be touched.

Jooheon waits a few minutes before saying anything. “Hyungwon, what’s been going on with you?” he asks softly, and Hyungwon, who has been cold for so long now, heats up with panic.

He wipes at his tears in desperation, thinking foolishly that if he can just hide the tear tracks, they can forget this happened. He can’t share his secret. He knows what Jooheon will think of him if he finds out, and Jooheon is all he has right now. But when he looks up, Jooheon is staring at him, waiting for an answer.

“You’ve been missing school a lot,” Jooheon says carefully, his voice low. The twins tended to run around the house and could pop into Jooheon’s room at any second if they thought something was happening. “And you always look scared when you check your phone. What’s going on, Hyungwon? Who’s doing this to you?”

Hyungwon just shakes his head.

“Is it that you won’t tell me? Or that you can’t?”

“Can’t,” Hyungwon chokes out because he knows he can’t just get out of this by saying he’s fine.

“Hyungwon,” Jooheon says, his voice soft as he scoots closer, but he doesn’t try touching Hyungwon again. “I can help you. I can tell our teacher or my parents and-”

“ _No_ ,” Hyungwon says immediately, his entirely body tensing up. He’s ready to fight Jooheon – to injure him even – whatever it takes to stop Jooheon from following through on his words. “You can’t say anything, not to anybody.”

“Hyungwon, you’re obviously not okay,” Jooheon says, clenching his hands into fists. “Why can’t you let me help you?”

Hyungwon clambers to his feet, phone heavy in his pocket, and Jooheon gets up too, hands up defensively as though Hyungwon is a skittish animal. “I don’t want or need your help. I’m fine,” he says, even though both of them know the words are empty. “If you tell anybody about this, I’ll- I’ll disappear and you’ll never see me again. I mean it, Jooheon.”

“Hyungwon, relax,” Jooheon says, his palms still up. “It’s okay,” he says, and those are the least applicable words Hyungwon has ever heard. “I...I won’t tell anyone, if that’s what you want,” Jooheon says after a moment, and Hyungwon wouldn’t have believed him if he didn’t see how hard it was for him to force the words out. “I won’t tell anyone, okay? And...you don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want. Just...let me know if there’s anything I can do. Whatever you need. If you need a place to stay, or if you decide you want to tell someone-”

Hyungwon tenses up again at that, and Jooheon takes a step back, trying to soothe him.

“Whatever you need,” Jooheon repeats. There’s a newfound hesitance in his eyes, and Hyungwon can tell that Jooheon doesn’t know how to approach him anymore or what to say.

The two stand there, bodies tense, waiting for Hyungwon to say something. Eventually, he nods and sits back down on the carpet. For now, all he wants is to not have to go home just yet.

Jooheon seems to understand and turns the game back on, and they don’t talk about it for the rest of the day.


	38. Chapter 38

Jooheon and Hyungwon come up with a plan. On Jooheon’s insistence, they use a code word – Operation Disappear. They look up all the bus and train routes out of the city, and they pick several destinations that might work. Jooheon calculates how much fare will be, and they cross off a few more options. Jooheon also makes sure that, of the three destinations left, they’re spread out across the timetable so Hyungwon will be able to leave nearly any time of the day.

Jooheon insists on putting his number into Hyungwon’s phone, even though Hyungwon repeatedly refuses. He finally permits Jooheon to do so but doesn’t let him see the other contact in his phone and makes Jooheon promise to never call or text him first.

Jooheon doesn’t try to get Hyungwon to tell anyone his secret again. Instead, he just helps Hyungwon out in whatever capacity he can, and Hyungwon doesn’t know how to tell Jooheon how much he appreciates it.

Father is growing angrier. Hyungwon thinks he’s jealous of Jooheon, in a twisted way. He repeatedly tells Father that nothing is happening between them, but Father refuses to believe him. He grows harsher yet, and scars accumulate on Hyungwon’s body. Everything is accompanied by a threat now because he knows Hyungwon won’t respond otherwise. Father broke the relationship he’d carefully nurtured for all those years, feeding into Hyungwon’s codependence.

Other things have changed. Before Hyungwon questioned Father about the wrongness of their relationship, Father had treated him with care. He wasn’t always gentle, but he at least acted with love. Now, it seems as though Father is set on humiliating Hyungwon. The things he’s forced to do and wear... and Father’s camera is never far behind. He has never felt smaller, more insignificant. There are some days he doesn’t even feel human.

But he has Jooheon, and he has Operation Disappear. His eighteenth birthday is only a year away now. He looks at bus and train tickets at every opportunity. If he can just make it until his eighteenth birthday, then he can get away and they won’t be able to do anything about it.

Just a year away now.


	39. Chapter 39

Tragedy strikes six months out in the form of a little girl with the most joyful eyes.

Her name is Mi-Yeon, and she’s only six years old.

Hyungwon knows upon seeing her the first time that she’s his replacement. He’ll be too old soon, too broken of a toy to be much fun. But Mi-Yeon is shiny and new, just like the bike Father bought him when he was six, back when everything was just starting.

Father would shower her with gifts, most likely. Take her camping or on some other sort of special trip. Would touch her shoulder and her back until she didn’t register the touch as foreign at all. Would show her things, teach her things that she didn’t have any right in knowing at such a young age. Would make her think that it was all normal and natural.

And then he would slowly begin to play with his new toy, testing it out, making it all into a game. A new secret, just between the two of them.

And she wouldn’t realize what she’d lost until it was too late. Wouldn’t realize that she didn’t have to be anyone’s toy, that most people weren’t toys at all.

Hyungwon is crying before he realizes it, and Mi-Yeon tilts her head, confused and saddened by association. She asks him what’s wrong, but he can’t say. He feels like he’s sixteen again, completely disoriented and not sure what to do.

And Father comes into the room with a smile that appears in Hyungwon’s nightmares, and he introduces Hyungwon to Mi-Yeon, who’s to be his new sister.

Hyungwon doesn’t know where she comes from, only that they’ve adopted her and Father wants to ruin her like he ruined Hyungwon and Hyungwon doesn’t know how he can stop it from happening.


	40. Chapter 40

Despite the constantly growing dread that leaves him without appetite for days on end, Hyungwon can’t help but come to love Mi-Yeon. He knows Father adopted her to further mock their sad imitation of a family, but Hyungwon truly sees her as a sister.

She’s pure in a way that pains Hyungwon immensely, and when he looks at her, he sees himself, young and fascinated by shiny things and gifts and attention. He’s scared for Mi-Yeon, more scared than he is for himself, and that’s when he knows that Operation Disappear isn’t going to happen. That in six months, when he turns eighteen, he isn’t going to be getting on a bus or a train. He’ll be in his bedroom, awaiting whatever horrendous birthday present Father has prepared for him, because how can he leave behind something so innocent with the knowledge that it won’t remain that way, that it will be completely and wholly corrupted?

Hyungwon falls into a deep depression. He skips school for two weeks. Father doesn’t mind because it means Hyungwon is home more often and that he can’t see Jooheon either. Hyungwon feels numb; Operation Disappear had been the only hope he’d had driving him forward. With his plan to leave gone, Hyungwon has to endure each day with the knowledge that there is no end in sight.

But there’s Mi-Yeon. Father and Mother renovated what used to be a storage room into a small bedroom for her. Mi-Yeon loves the ocean, apparently, and she has bedsheets with mermaids on them and a goldfish night light. Hyungwon knows this is Father’s doing, and it scares him that even these small things can be tainted with evil intent, but he can’t say anything to Mi-Yeon. She brings Hyungwon into her room, and she throws tea parties for a stuffed whale named Bluebell and a mermaid doll named Anna. Hyungwon is entirely out of his element. He doesn’t know how to interact with Mi-Yeon at first; he’s afraid if he gets too close to her, he’ll ruin her too. That his defilement might overpower her innocence.

But Mi-Yeon doesn’t seem to realize the full obscenity of his existence. She simply invites him to the tea party and only asks that he also pour for Bluebell and Anna as well.

And something in him just breaks. They’re in Mi-Yeon’s room in the middle of another tea party when he starts sobbing, and Mi-Yeon scoots closer and collects his tears on her tiny fingers and presses small kisses all over his face. Hyungwon has never felt the sort of love Mi-Yeon is bestowing upon him, one of giving and not taking, one without conditions or attached strings. She is pure and she is innocent and he weeps for what he has lost and what she will also come to lose.

Later that night, Father visits him, and Hyungwon asks to make a deal. He’ll stay and be obedient – whatever Father wants, whenever Father asks – if he’ll just leave Mi-Yeon alone. If he won’t break her like he broke Hyungwon.

And Father looks at him for a long moment before testing Hyungwon, requesting of Hyungwon something vulgar and ugly that Father knows Hyungwon despises, something that Father uses to remind Hyungwon just how thoroughly Father is in control and to what extent he dominates Hyungwon.

And Hyungwon submits because he doesn’t know what else to do.


	41. Chapter 41

Hyungwon returns to school on Monday with Father’s promise that he won’t touch Mi-Yeon – for now – and new marks on his body. Hyungwon keeps his head down in the hallways; he knows it’s illogical of him to think this way, but he feels that someone might be able to look at him and know exactly what he is and what he’s done.

He spends twice as long in the bathroom now, just washing his hands over and over.

Jooheon meets him on the bench as usual, and he tells Hyungwon what he missed – Jooheon had gotten into a car accident with Minjae and Minjun in the car; everyone was okay, but “We could have all died,” Jooheon says, trying to smile but biting at his lip. “It just makes you think, you know? How lucky we are.”

Hyungwon doesn’t feel lucky.

Jooheon starts back on the topic of Operation Disappear, and he’s rambling about how much a train ticket to a town an hour north of them costs when Hyungwon interrupts him.

“I’m not going.”

Jooheon looks over at him, his lips immediately melting into a frown. “What? Hyungwon, you have to go. If you won’t tell someone and you won’t get help, then you need to get out of whatever situation it is that you’re in.”

“I can’t leave,” Hyungwon repeats. He can’t run away with a six-year-old child. He has no money, no papers to verify his existence, let alone hers. They would just report her missing, and his freedom would slip away once more. His eyes prick with unshed tears as he gazes out at the horizon with calm resignation. He knows now that the horizon will always be forever out of reach for him and how silly it was of him to think otherwise.

“We had a deal,” Jooheon says, standing up, and Hyungwon knows that Jooheon is angry with him. “We had a deal,” he says again, his jaw clenched and his hands in fists by his side, and Hyungwon knows that it’s not really anger, it’s sadness and helplessness and all the other ugly emotions masked by the easiest one to display. “I didn’t tell anyone that something’s wrong, and you were supposed to let me help you in some other way.”

“And you have,” Hyungwon says quietly. He feels...free. Not free, not really, but he isn’t lost anymore. He knows where he’s going today, and tomorrow, and on his eighteen birthday, and every day after. He’s going home, to Father, and Mi-Yeon will be safe. This is the only direction he has left anymore. No buses, no trains, no tickets to faraway places that offer the dimmest possibility of happiness. Just home. He can’t smile about it, not yet because the pain is still too raw, but there’s no hope left to be forced out of him. He has nothing to hold on to, and it’s a weight off of him. “You’ve helped me, Jooheon. Really. Just by being here every day.”

Jooheon looks like he’s about to cry, and Hyungwon wishes, not for the first time, that he never dragged Jooheon into his life, that Jooheon had never seen him on the bench that one time. That Hyungwon hadn’t gone to his house, that they hadn’t become friends. Because Hyungwon knows better than anyone how it feels to be absolutely helpless, and he doesn’t want Jooheon to have to feel that way, not on his behalf. “I haven’t done anything,” Jooheon whispers, his voice rough. His fingers clench and unclench as though they need to hold something in order to keep him grounded, but Hyungwon doesn’t offer his own hands up. Father will be upset with him, and he can’t risk upsetting Father and putting Mi-Yeon at risk.

“You have,” Hyungwon says again, wanting Jooheon to understand this simple fact. “I don’t know if I could have made it here without you.”

And Jooheon is crying because the thought of Hyungwon’s death causes him pain for reasons Hyungwon can’t understand.


	42. Chapter 42

Hyungwon is sitting in the counselor’s room, trying not to shake. He’s been called down from class without an explanation. He tries to reassure himself that the visit is routine, that every student gets called down once, but he knows this is not the case.

“Hyungwon? Is everything all right?” the counselor asks. She has all the physical markings of a nice person – a light spattering of freckles, bright but concerned eyes, a friendly smile, even a picture of a dog on her desk – but Hyungwon knows that right now, she is his enemy.

“Everything is fine,” Hyungwon responds. He knows he needs to walk a fine line; he can’t reveal anything that would make her look into him further, but he can’t be too defensive for the same reason. “Is something the matter?”

The counselor frowns and leans in over the desk that separates them. Hyungwon’s breathing quickens; he’s afraid that she’s going to reach out and touch his shoulder or hand. But she doesn’t. She leaves her hands crossed in front of her and speaks in a gentle voice. “Hyungwon, you know you can tell me anything, okay? Everything we talk about is strictly confidential. I’m here to help you. Do you believe me?”

“I believe you,” Hyungwon says because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to say. And it’s not that he thinks she’s lying, not on purpose anyway. He can tell that she’s worried about him, but he knows that “confidential” will only last until she knows what’s wrong, and then she’ll have to take action and tell others.

And then everyone will know how abhorrent and filthy Hyungwon is. They’ll say he asked for it, that he wanted special attention. That he’s disgusting and can they believe that it was with his _father_? How could anyone live with themselves after that? How sickening, revolting...

“Well, Hyungwon? You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

Hyungwon can hear their words in his ears, and he knows that it will be like when the photo of him was circulating, only worse, because his head won’t be cropped out this time.

He imagines Jooheon looking at him, the appalling moment of realization as he comes to find out exactly what his friend is.

And lastly, he pictures Mi-Yeon, the confused look on her face as her father is taken away by police and her brother is taken away by whoever will deal with him. Who is in charge of fixing people like him anyway? Can someone like him _ever_ be fixed?

“Nothing’s been bothering me,” Hyungwon tells the counselor, and then for good measure, he adds in, “I mean, my stomach has been upset for a few days, but I think I got food poisoning on Saturday. I’ve been feeling a lot better today, though.” A small lie to hide a big lie.

The counselor leaned back and smiled, concerns seemingly offset for the moment. “Well, I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better, Hyungwon.”

He nods and thinks he’s finally in the clear.

“I’ll have to call your parents just to let them know I saw you today – it’s a policy, I’m afraid – but don’t worry, I won’t tell them about what we discussed.”

Hyungwon freezes up, but he knows that he can’t ask her not to call without providing justification, which he can’t do. He forces himself to nod, trying to keep his mind in the present instead of speculating what he’ll go home to.

“And Hyungwon? I’m sorry to have called you down here today for nothing, but I think you should be proud to know that you have such a concerned friend,” the counselor says.

And that gets Hyungwon. His hand twitches. The knife in his back seems to stab into his lungs, and each breath he draws in stings. He doesn’t want to believe it, but no matter how he does the math, it always comes out to the same unfortunate answer. “Right. Thanks again for checking,” Hyungwon says with a fake smile that takes altogether too much energy to conjure up, and then he’s out of her office and trying just to get a good breath in but it feels like he can’t breathe at all.

\--

Hyungwon is waiting for Jooheon at the park bench. Jooheon sits down next to him, a little jumpy, and Hyungwon doesn’t bother to wait before he sets into him.

Hyungwon wants to kick and punch and scrape at the boy beside him, but he can’t have anyone questioning Jooheon about it and connecting him to the injuries. The counselor would get suspicious, Hyungwon would wind up back in her office, and he wouldn’t be able to get out so easily next time.

All Hyungwon can do is hurt Jooheon with his words, and so he does. “The fuck were you thinking?” Hyungwon asks Jooheon, and he doesn’t have to fake the hurt in his eyes. Hyungwon feels betrayed, almost as severely as when Father had dropped his act of caring about Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon-”

“No,” Hyungwon says. He’s furious, and it’s a new feeling for him, being on the dominant side of anger. He wants to stand up, wants to pace, but he stays sitting down, grinding his hands against each other, his knuckles refusing to yield under his harsh grip. “I specifically told you to mind your own fucking business. I thought I was pretty fucking clear on that. And then you go behind my back and-” Hyungwon has to pause to swallow a breath; he hasn’t been able to breathe fully since leaving her office. He’s panicked and scared, and today it is Jooheon who has caused his fear. Another betrayal. “-and you report me to the school counselor?”

“Hyungwon, I can explain, I-”

“There is no explanation that would make this okay,” Hyungwon says. He sees the fear in Jooheon’s eyes. The fear is familiar because that’s how Hyungwon looks at Father; he’s not becoming like Father now, is he? Hyungwon closes his eyes for a second, trying to banish that monstrous thought to some faraway corner of his mind, and he takes as much of a breath as he can before continuing. He’s had an hour to think about these words. “I have appreciated our friendship,” Hyungwon says, squeezing his hands together. His eyes flick open and meet Jooheon’s. “But it’s over.”

Hyungwon stands up, but Jooheon steps into his path, his face distorted in anguish. “Wait, Hyungwon, I’m sorry, okay? I just- you’re my friend, and I can’t- I can’t just let you-”

“You’re not my fucking friend,” Hyungwon spits out, feeling his anger resurface, and he has to clench his hands to stop himself from hitting Jooheon.

“Wait, Hyungwon-”

Hyungwon brushes past Jooheon, and the separation is complete.

They are no longer friends.


	43. Chapter 43

“I got a call from your counselor,” Father tells him. It’s the first thing he says to Hyungwon when he gets home, and Hyungwon knows this won’t end well.

“It was just a routine visit,” Hyungwon says, trying to brush past Father, but he catches Hyungwon’s wrist, applying enough pressure to make Hyungwon wince in pain.

“You’re a little fucking liar,” Father whispers in his ear. “I bet you tried to tell her about our secret, didn’t you.”

Hyungwon squeezes his eyes shut. “I didn’t, I swear,” Hyungwon says. It feels like his wrist is going to break. “I didn’t tell her anything. She wouldn’t believe me anyway,” Hyungwon says, and he feels Father’s grip relax just a touch.

“That’s right,” Father says, and he releases Hyungwon’s wrist to stroke his cheek.

Hyungwon tenses, willing himself to stay still even though he wants to slap the hand away.

“And don’t you ever forget that,” Father says, and his hand moves to Hyungwon’s throat, skimming over the delicate skin for a moment before bring up his other hand and tightening his grip, and Hyungwon can’t breathe – hasn’t been able to breathe all day – but he knows he isn’t allowed to pass out or break free.

He remembers the deal he made with Father. If this is what Father wants, then Hyungwon needs to be obedient and receive it willingly.

His vision flickers, black spots appearing and multiplying, and Hyungwon is just starting to think that he really might die when Father eases up. Hyungwon’s first breath burns, and none of the following breaths seem to do anything at all for a while. Father’s hand is in his hair, smoothing it and pulling at it abruptly to expose Hyungwon’s neck, which he knows from experience now displays a new necklace of bruising skin.

“Beautiful,” Father whispers as he presses his lips to Hyungwon’s throat, and Hyungwon gasps, tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he’s finally able to get a little bit of air, and it hurts so much to breathe. Father pulls back from his neck but keeps his hand curled around Hyungwon’s hair, holding his head back at a painful angle so Hyungwon has to look up at Father. “My little whore,” Father says, and Hyungwon trembles at the name. “So obedient and well-trained. Aren’t you a good little boy?”

There’s something horribly perverse about the phrase, a twisting of innocence and youth. Hyungwon shudders at the moniker, the one from his childhood when he didn’t yet know what horrors awaited him.

“Well?” Father asks, yanking at his hair, and Hyungwon gasps, his throat arching painfully. “Are you or aren’t you?”

“I’m a- a good little boy,” Hyungwon chokes out, his voice rough, and it hurts to talk.

“Whose good little boy?”

“Yours,” Hyungwon whispers, and he hates the light in Father’s eyes, hates the enjoyment he’s taking out of Hyungwon’s pain. “I’m your good little boy.”

Father smiles and finally lets go of Hyungwon, and it’s all Hyungwon can do to not start coughing and sucking in breaths of air. “My good little boy,” Father muses, a hand settling on Hyungwon’s waist before creeping down further and scratching at Hyungwon’s skin through the fabric of his pants. Hyungwon flinches, his heart beating fast with the horrible thought that maybe Father would demand his company right now while Mi-Yeon was undoubtedly playing in her room just a few doors down, but then Father just pinches Hyungwon and steps back, allowing Hyungwon a clear path to his room. “Just like how things used to be.”

And Hyungwon forces himself to give a small nod before he slowly walks to his room. He wants to run, he wants to scream and dissipate into the air in a million particles, but he just walks to his room, shuts the door, and falls to the floor until he’s needed again.

\--

He tells Father that night while Mi-Yeon is sleeping that he’s no longer friends with Jooheon. Father is happy; he is a little gentler with Hyungwon that night, and Hyungwon feels guilty for only a moment that he gave away his friend for a brief respite from the usual pain. While his body is being violated, Hyungwon pictures Mi-Yeon’s face. He tells himself he is doing this for her, that he can save her.

But in his mind, Mi-Yeon is crying, and Hyungwon can do nothing to stop it.


	44. Chapter 44

Two months before Hyungwon’s eighteenth birthday, and everything falls apart. He’s been perfectly, disgustingly obedient this whole time, but he’s had a reason. Mi-Yeon. He could be brave for Mi-Yeon. He could be strong.

But when he comes home from school that day, Father and Mi-Yeon are in the kitchen, and Father has his arm around her shoulders, laughing as they work on a coloring book.

“You said you wouldn’t touch her,” Hyungwon says, and he’s hit with the horrible realization that Father had never intended on keeping his promise and that these past few months – these horrible, demoralizing, dehumanizing months – have been for nothing. He has not prevented what he set out to prevent; he has only cast himself further into the abyss.

“Hyungwon,” Father says, looking over at him with a smile. “You’re home a little early, aren’t you?” He looks down at Mi-Yeon with that same smile, and if Hyungwon didn’t know what sickening things Father could do, he might’ve believed it to be sincere. “Well, Mi-Yeon? Do you want to tell your big brother what we’re working on?”

Mi-Yeon looks up, her face lighting up when she sees Hyungwon. She’s so excited that she even drops her crayon, and Hyungwon’s heart aches as the orange crayon rolls off the table and falls to the floor. He loves Mi-Yeon and yet there’s a part of him that resents her because she is all that holds him back from disappearing entirely. But how could he possibly hate the little girl who’s holding up a piece of paper to show him the orange flower she’s been working on all afternoon?

“Father says I have to stay inside the lines,” Mi-Yeon is explaining to him even as Hyungwon just stares at her, on the precipice of breaking apart. “So I tried really hard. I messed up a little over here-” She points to the affected area. “But that was the only place. I’m going to finish it and then you can hang it up in your room, Hyungwon!”

Hyungwon doesn’t know what to say.

When he was a boy, he received gifts. A shiny red bicycle. Toy soldiers. A handheld game. But all of these gifts had been for one purpose – to make Hyungwon trusting and compliant so that he would allow Father to reap his body, over and over again.

And now here is a girl, offering him a drawing, and she wants nothing in return.

Hyungwon is so broken that it doesn’t make sense to him, but he nods, afraid of upsetting the little girl.

“Isn’t that sweet of her?” Father asks, stroking her hair. “What a good little girl.”

The words burn at Hyungwon. He hates that Father has broken the promise he’s paid for, and he’s sickened by the fact that even now, he’s jealous that Father is trying to replace him.

“Don’t touch her,” Hyungwon says, his voice low. He can’t think about all the things he has done in order to protect her – all the vile, degrading acts he’s had to perform – he can’t think of them right now. He thinks that if he does, he’ll shatter across the kitchen floor like glass waiting to be stepped on. And Father will crush him once more under the heel of his shoe.

Father stills before dropping his hand from her head and getting up from his seat. Slowly, he bends down and picks up the fallen orange crayon before standing back up and depositing it in from of Mi-Yeon. “Sweetie, your big brother and I are going to have a little talk, okay? Just keep coloring and I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay,” Mi-Yeon chirps, already back to her scribbling. “But bring Hyungwon too so he can color with us!”

“We’ll see,” Father says, his voice light and pleasant, but it sends a shiver of fear down Hyungwon’s spine as he follows Father to Hyungwon’s bedroom.

Father waits until Hyungwon is inside before he shuts the door softly and turns to Hyungwon.

“You weren’t supposed to touch her,” Hyungwon says, already feeling weaker now that they’re in the room where he has been repeatedly broken and used. “You said- you said you wouldn’t-” He’s backing up now as Father takes steps toward him, the back of his knees hitting the bedframe, and he’s shaking, shaking so hard and he doesn’t know if it’s fear or anger. “You promised-”

He falls back onto the bed because he has nowhere else to go, and he realizes now that it’s fear that’s making him tremble because the anger has fled, taking the illusion of strength with it, and now it’s just Hyungwon and the monster.

“You want to talk about promises?” Father asks, his voice deadly quiet as he kneels down on the bed over Hyungwon’s frame.

Hyungwon is looking up at him, and part of Father’s face is cast in shadow, but not his eyes. Hyungwon can see those perfectly, and his shaking only worsens.

Father runs a finger over Hyungwon’s lips before forcing his thumb inside Hyungwon’s mouth, and Hyungwon wants to desperately to bite down, but he has to be still and receive Father, he has to be obedient-

Father’s thumb presses down on his tongue, effectively silencing Hyungwon’s voice as he leans in close to Hyungwon’s right ear, his fingers digging into Hyungwon’s jaw. His frame obscures Hyungwon’s view until it’s all he can see even as the thumb presses down harder on his tongue and he feels like he’s going to choke on his own saliva. He wants to call out for help but he knows he’ll be punished if he speaks, and who is there to save him? The girl who’s busy wearing down the orange crayon?

“You want to talk about promises?” Father repeats. He adjusts his position so that he’s kneeling on Hyungwon’s most sensitive area, and the pain is almost blinding. A bout of nausea rushes up, and Hyungwon is sure he’s going to throw up, only Father’s thumb is still in his mouth and now he’s gagging. “You promised to be a good little boy, didn’t you? Obedient to the letter?”

Hyungwon tries to say that he was a good little boy, and Father removes his thumb from Hyungwon’s mouth and immediately smacks him so hard that Hyungwon feels blood in his ear, and he can no longer hold himself back from twisting and vomiting onto the floor. But Father’s knee is still digging into him, and Hyungwon is heaving, the nausea rising again, but Father just grabs Hyungwon’s shirt and throws him back onto the center of the bed.

“I did- what you asked,” Hyungwon gasps out, and he knows the second slap is coming but it doesn’t dull the pain. He throws up again, and Father moves his knee back so he’s straddling Hyungwon again. He smacks Hyungwon a third time.

Hyungwon cries out and receives another smack. His head is ringing; at least one of his ears is bleeding if not both. Blood in his ear, blood in his mouth. The room is spinning around him, but there’s Father hovering over him, staring down at him with bloodlust written in his eyes. And the scariest thing right now is that Hyungwon doesn’t even know why Father is doing this.

“I did what you asked!” Hyungwon repeats, and he doesn’t know if he’s crying or if that’s blood getting in his eyes now. “What did I do wrong, Father?!”

“I never should have trusted you, you whoring fuck,” Father spits out, and Hyungwon distantly feels drops of saliva mixing in with the blood or tears or both on his face.

“What did I do wrong?” Hyungwon asks again, scared and confused.

Father claws at Hyungwon’s pockets, and Hyungwon is afraid that Father is going to rape him right now, next to his own vomit, with Mi-Yeon coloring peacefully just a short distance away, but Father only retrieves Hyungwon’s cell phone and shoves it in front of Hyungwon’s face.

And Hyungwon realizes his mistakes before Father has to say it.

“This phone is supposed to be just for us,” Father says, and now he’s shaking, but unlike Hyungwon’s trembling, it’s in rage. “Because you belong to me and your body belongs to me and I deserve to request it wherever and whenever I want,” he snaps, and Hyungwon thinks that he is going to die today. “And I am the _only one_ who has that right!” Father yells, and Hyungwon tries to squeeze his eyes shut, but Father yanks at his hair until he opens them once more. “ _I am the only one_!” he yells again, right in Hyungwon’s face. “You exist to serve my needs!”

Hyungwon knows with certainty now that he’s going to die. Father is going to kill him, and even though the thought should make Hyungwon happy that it will all finally be over, he’s still scared, even now.

“And so wasn’t I surprised to find Jooheon – JOOHEON – in the phone that _I_ bought for you!”

Hyungwon had forgotten to delete Jooheon’s contact. He had been stupid to allow Jooheon to add it in the first place, but he was especially stupid for not deleting it. Of course Father would check his phone. Of course he would want to know if anyone else was trying to take what he had worked so hard to bend and break.

“Are you sending him pictures too?” Father asks, and as though making up the answer for himself, he throws Hyungwon’s phone against the opposite wall so hard that Hyungwon hears something shatter and knows with certainty that his phone is now broken. “You fucking whore!”

Hyungwon tries to protest. Promises spew from his lips – that he’s never sent Jooheon pictures, that they’ve never touched, that he hasn’t talked to Jooheon in months – but his words are met with more slaps. Hyungwon’s lip is bleeding; blood is spilling into his mouth, and he’s choking on it. He tries to turn and spit it out, but Father won’t let him move.

“Father? ...Hyungwon?”

Hyungwon can never quite piece together what happens next despite obsessing over the events. All he knows are a series of disparate facts: the door was closed, and then the door was open; Hyungwon and Father were alone, and then they weren’t; Mi-Yeon was conscious, and then she wasn’t.

Hyungwon’s spitting out blood onto the floor when he snaps back to reality, and he sees Mi-Yeon by the doorframe, a small pool of blood slowly seeping out from the back of her head.

And there’s Father, standing between the two of them, staring at Mi-Yeon as though he’s confused.

But Hyungwon knows what must have happened. He knows that Father must have hit Mi-Yeon, whether intentionally or not. For what it’s worth, Father seems disoriented and concerned, but Hyungwon doesn’t know if it’s concern for the little girl or concern for his toy.

Hyungwon aches; he’s bleeding from numerous locations, his head seems like it might crack open at any second, and he can barely feel his lower body, but he crawls across the floor to Mi-Yeon, lifting her head up and resting it on his lap. He rips his shirt off and tears several strips out of it and presses them against her wound. It’s hard to tell at first whether it’s his blood or hers on them.

But they turn red altogether too quickly, giving him his answer.

Father still hasn’t moved; he’s in shock. Hyungwon rests his weight against the doorframe as he gets to his feet, his injuries fading into the background of his mind as he focuses on carrying Mi-Yeon. He thinks that if he can just get her to the car- if he can just get her to the hospital-

He’s in the kitchen now, snagging car keys from the counter, dragging himself a step at a time, but he stops short.

Mother is in his way, blocking the door.

“Please, move,” Hyungwon says. He has never had much of a relationship with Mother – Father has monopolized his life all these years – but he believes that she will side with him in this one moment. Never has she helped or stood up for him before, but she won’t let a child die in front of her. Hyungwon believes this, and he is wrong.

“Please,” Hyungwon gasps. The adrenaline is starting to fade, and he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to hold her. His arms are already shaking. “I need to take her to the hospital.”

But Mother doesn’t move.

“Mother- why- please,” Hyungwon says, and he’s crying now. He’s so close, but it’s a gap he won’t be able to close.

“If she gets to the hospital, they’ll ask questions,” Mother says. Her voice is cold, just like on that Wednesday. “I can’t let them do that.”

And Hyungwon realizes now that maybe, in a twisted way, Mother is the most loyal to Father. He wonders if she loves him, and he wonders if she knows that he doesn’t love anyone but himself.

And so Mi-Yeon dies just a few feet away from the flower she’d been coloring for Hyungwon, and he knows with horrible clarity that her death is at least indirectly his fault.


	45. Chapter 45

Hyungwon is ready to die. He thought he knew what it was like to live a Hellish existence before, but he’s certain that this is worse. This isn’t even life anymore. He is already dead, just waiting for his body to join the corpse of his soul. Before, he was suffering from the abuse, but he had Jooheon. And for a while, he had Mi-Yeon. Even when his world was entirely dark and hopeless, he still had those two stars.

But he no longer has either one of them. And without any stars to break up the night sky, all he sees is darkness.

Every load of laundry Hyungwon does includes a little ammonia.

School is over now, which means Hyungwon is home all the time. He isn’t permitted to have a job, and Hyungwon knows that this is just another layer of manipulation, that Father needs Hyungwon to rely on him wholly and completely.

He misses Mi-Yeon. After the accident – that is how he has compartmentalized the events that transpired that horrible night – he put the drawing she’d colored for him in her room because he couldn’t bear to look at it each day. But he moved her night light into his room because he needed something to break up the dark.

Hyungwon asks himself why he can’t pull off Operation Disappear now. Mi-Yeon is gone; there’s no one left for him here. What’s stopping him from getting on a bus or a train and never looking back?

He squeezes his eyes shut at the thought.

After Mi-Yeon died, he didn’t know where Father and Mother took her body. He had known that they couldn’t take her anywhere that would result in the authorities or adoption agency being alerted. But if they didn’t report her dead, then the adoption agency would check in at some point in the future to find her missing, which would raise questions.

The answer came a few days later in the news.

**_Tragic Loss: Little Girl Playing by Train Tracks_ **

And Hyungwon knew. Knew that the girl was Mi-Yeon, that Mother and Father had probably dumped her body on the tracks and solved all their problems.

A tragic accident, most called it.

Hyungwon knows better, but he can’t tell anyone the truth.

He thinks of running away, but he’s scared, scared that they’ll just find another replacement. But more than that, he realizes that there’s no point anymore. Running away from something also means that you’re running towards something else. But Hyungwon has nothing to aim for. Everything his peers want at this point in their lives – college, work, love – seems mythical and irrational to him. He can’t understand normalcy because he has no frame of reference. He doesn’t want anything for himself besides an end to what he has known.

And Hyungwon thinks that he’ll write the ending to his own story, but then it happens.

A miracle, his first one.

\--

Father falls ill. Not horribly so; he complains of a headache and what feels like a cold. By the third day, however, he is bedridden. Mother tends to him while Hyungwon prays each day that Father will die.

But God doesn’t give him his wish, not directly. Father isn’t improving, but he isn’t getting worse either.

But then Mother, who cares about Father in a way that Hyungwon will never understand, tells Hyungwon that they’re taking Father to the hospital. She gets Father in the car and sits in the back with him. She doesn’t look up as Hyungwon slowly slips into the driver’s seat, his hands sliding over the wheel. He turns the key in the ignition, and the motor catches. He starts driving.

She’s humming something, and Hyungwon knows it is a melody for Father and not for him because he doesn’t think Mother has ever loved him.

Hyungwon is driving without really processing; the hospital is a ways away, and they have to take a country road to get there. There’s no other traffic in sight. And Hyungwon knows that they will arrive at the hospital and Father will be cured, and then they’ll all go back home and everything will continue as usual. A happy ending from the outside.

But then Hyungwon remembers something Jooheon once told him – _We could have all died_. Jooheon had gotten into a small car crash, and nobody had been hurt. _It just makes you think, you know?_

And it does make Hyungwon think.

It makes Hyungwon think that this is the only chance he’s ever had to be in control of himself, the only chance he’s had to be in control of Father too. And he knows that if they go to the hospital and Father recovers, then Hyungwon will never have this chance again.

Within fifteen minutes of having been in the car, Hyungwon makes the decision to kill his parents. It’s not a hard decision to make. Hyungwon has endless justifications for the death of his father, a reason for every day he’s been alive ever since he got that fucking bicycle. And he can still hear Mother telling him they can’t take Mi-Yeon to the hospital. And to use ammonia when he washes the bedsheets.

Hyungwon can justify it a little too by telling himself that killing them will make the world a better place, and this is undoubtedly true, but he finds that the altruism is passed over for these small details instead. That he really doesn’t care about the world altogether that much but that there are memories skimming across his mind instead that provide all the justification he needs.

_Father doesn’t accept his excuse. He texts Hyungwon that he’ll make sure he won’t be able to go to school for a week if he doesn’t send the pictures._

_Father tells him that no one will believe him, that everyone will think he’s dirty and worthless and unclean._

_Hyungwon is fucking around with Jooheon now, isn’t he? He thinks he doesn’t need Father anymore?_

_Use ammonia when you wash the bedsheets to get the blood out._

_Father says he isn’t mad at Hyungwon, but Hyungwon will have to do something special for him in return._

_It’s okay with Father because Father cares about Hyungwon, but he doesn’t like being naked when Father takes photos because Hyungwon doesn’t know who’s going to see those photos._

_Father says that this is a special game – a secret game that they can’t tell anyone else about - and they have to play._

_That’s our secret, okay?_

_A bicycle for my good little boy._

Hyungwon’s okay if he dies in the crash too. He figures if he can just kill at least two of the people in the car, everything will be better. Either he’ll be dead, or they will. This is his happy ending. As happy as it can get.

And so Hyungwon waits a little longer. He wants to remember something good because even though he’s made his peace with whatever happens, he’s still a little afraid. He tries to think of one untainted memory in his tainted mind, one pure moment that isn’t ruined by what has been done to him.

He pictures Jooheon’s family when they invited him to stay for dinner. Jooheon’s mother, father, brothers. A family, a real one, not like the family that Father and Mother masqueraded as. A family that loved Jooheon, not with their bodies, but with their words and with their hearts.

Hyungwon thinks of Mi-Yeon one last time. Dropping her crayon because she’s excited to see him. Throwing tea parties and asking him to pour the nonexistent tea into the cups of stuffed animals and dolls. Telling him that she’ll finish the coloring so he can hang it up in his room.

And for the first time in his whole entire life, Hyungwon thinks how blessed he has been. He has never truly appreciated it before, but Jooheon and Mi-Yeon truly were his stars. Every happiness he’s had is from them. He used to think that the horrible darkness in his life threatened to overwhelm the two tiny stars, but now he realizes that the stars never would have shone without the darkness in the first place. And no matter what happens, he is grateful to have been able to watch those two stars shine.

Hyungwon thinks about all of these things, and then there comes a moment when he knows it’s time. He looks up in the mirror, and he sees Father staring back at him.

"Did you know that you're going to die?" Hyungwon asks. It’s wrong of him to want to see that flash of panic and fear in Father’s eyes, panic and fear that Hyungwon knows well, but he does it anyway because he’s the spawn of a monster and he hasn’t turned out much differently. These are the last moments of his life if he’s lucky, and he wants Father to know that for once, he is not in control.

And he sees the panic in Father’s eyes, but it doesn’t give him any joy. As he meets Father’s eyes in the mirror, he sees Father for the first time as weak. Frail. Human. Lying in the backseat of the car, his skin ashen and his breathing labored, Father is just a man.

But Hyungwon knows that what he sees is a lie. Monsters can take any form.

Hyungwon thinks he hears someone say something – probably Mother – but then he’s wrenching the wheel as far as it’ll go and flattening the gas pedal against the floor.

His next thought is accompanied by the shattering of glass and screaming of metal.

_Operation Disappear is a go._


	46. Chapter 46

Hyungwon doesn’t remember leaving his therapist’s office, doesn’t even remember what he’s said and what secrets he’s kept. None of that matters to him right now.

Hyungwon is running down the streets. He distantly hears a horn blare, but he doesn’t slow until his feet find themselves on a familiar porch. Hyungwon takes several breaths and raises his hand to knock when the door swings open on its own and two small faces peer out at him.

Minjae and Minjun are taller than he remembers, and Hyungwon realizes that he hasn’t seen them in a year at least. He just stares at them for a moment, happy that they’re alive and that the graves had never been real.

“Hyungwon?” Minjae – Hyungwon is pretty sure of this – asks, tilting his head, and Minjun tilts his head the opposite way.

“Jooheon can’t play. He isn’t home,” Minjun says.

“Oh,” Hyungwon says, because this wasn’t a possibility that he considered on his desperate dash over here. He feels stupid now because why the hell would Jooheon just be sitting in his room waiting for Hyungwon to come running back. Hyungwon is a fool. “Sorry...I’ll just...”

He doesn’t know what _he’ll just_ do, and he doesn’t have to figure it out because Jooheon’s mother comes to the door, the twins stepping behind her but still watching Hyungwon with unveiled curiosity.

“Hyungwon, is that you?” she asks, and Hyungwon takes half a step back because he’s scared now that she knows, that she knows how defiled he is and how she’s disgusted that she ever let him into her home and that the boys were _right there_ and- “Hyungwon,” she says again, taking a step through the doorway, and Hyungwon almost falls as he scrambles back.

“I’m sorry,” he says, pulse racing. He doesn’t even know what day, what month it is. Jooheon probably went off to college. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry-”

“Hyungwon, sweetie, come inside,” Jooheon’s mom says, concerned, and she holds open the door for him.

He hesitates before stepping inside gingerly as though he doesn’t want to set his weight down in the house, as though he’s scared that his presence will be rejected if he steps too heavily.

She leads him into the kitchen and shoves a cup into his hand – it’s hot; probably tea or hot chocolate. He barely notices it. She tells him to just wait here for a second and she’ll be right back.

Hyungwon is looking around the room. The memory of dinner with Jooheon’s family is overwhelming, amplified by the fact that it’s only recently been returned to him. He feels so at odds with the peaceful, bright environment. He doesn’t belong. He shouldn’t have come.

He stills as he hears Jooheon’s mother speaking softly in the other room, and he sees a phone pressed to her ear. He’s standing before he realizes he’s even moved, and the tea – he knows this now – has spilled on the table. He’s afraid because he doesn’t know who she’s calling, but none of the options seem good.

He’s out of the house in just a few seconds, running past Minjae and Minjun, who stare at him in confusion before yelling goodbye.

\--

He’s been sitting on the bench for probably a few hours now. Dusk is just setting in, and he remembers with a sharp tug in his chest those first few camping trips when they’d just watched the stars, and that had been enough for both of them.

He only notices Jooheon sitting beside him when he feels the slight vibration across the bench, and he looks over and stares. He stretches out one hand and almost touches Jooheon’s elbow before he pulls back. If this Jooheon isn’t real, then he doesn’t want to know.

“Hyungwon,” Jooheon says, and his voice holds so much emotion in just that one word. Regret, pain, sympathy. He doesn’t try to touch Hyungwon, but he doesn’t move away, just sits close and lets Hyungwon decide if he wants to close the distance.

Hyungwon doesn’t. So much has happened and he doesn’t know what to tell Jooheon about any of it. He can’t speak of the abuse. He won’t. But about Mi-Yeon’s death? About the crash – an accident that wasn’t an accident? He has so many secrets now and he doesn’t know how many he can hold before they start bleeding out of him.

“My mom called,” Jooheon says, looking out across the field where their classmates would play as they just watched from afar. “She said you stopped by. I drove straight here. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” Hyungwon says. He can’t look at Jooheon. He remembers being so angry with him on the last day they spoke, swearing at him and destroying their friendship before walking away. He doesn’t know why he thought he should run to Jooheon. But Jooheon is the only star left in his sky, even if it’s a little dimmed and out of focus, and it’s all Hyungwon has as a guide.

“I called,” Jooheon says abruptly. “After- after we stopped talking. I was upset for a few months – with myself, for breaking my promise to you, and...if I’m being honest...I was upset with you, too, for not accepting help – but I realized that I probably just made things harder for you and I’m so fucking sorry about that, Hyungwon, really,” he says, and he’s in tears but Hyungwon still can’t look over at him, can’t comfort him with a touch.

And Jooheon is right. He did make things worse for Hyungwon. But that’s in the past now, and Hyungwon is ready to forgive him, he thinks. He can’t forget, but he can forgive.

“And then I heard about the accident,” Jooheon says, his voice soft. Hyungwon doesn’t correct him, doesn’t tell him that it wasn’t an accident at all. He thinks that this is a secret that he should keep. “And I got scared, so scared that...that you’d die, and that the last words we shared were in anger. But I heard you survived, and that’s when I tried calling. I wanted to apologize and be friends again, if you’d let me. But...I never heard from you. And I didn’t know where you lived...” He’s never heard from Hyungwon because Hyungwon has never seen the calls. Father broke his phone on the night Mi-Yeon was killed, and he got a new one with a different number. Jooheon has never been to his house – not the real Jooheon, anyway – so all this time, Hyungwon has thought himself to be abandoned.

Maybe it explains why he threw Jooheon into his fantasy.

Jooheon falls quiet for a moment, and there’s a soft sniffle as he tries to hold back some of his emotions. “I’m so sorry, Hyungwon. I knew something was wrong and...I wanted so badly to be able to save you. But I was just a kid then, I didn’t know what the hell to do. I failed you.”

Hyungwon finally looks over at Jooheon. His eyes are wet too. “Jooheon, you saved me. Twice,” he whispers as his eyes flick downward. He moves his hand close to Jooheon’s. He doesn’t touch him, but he grabs onto the excess fabric of Jooheon’s jacket, holding him in the only way he can bear.

And Jooheon wants to give Hyungwon a hug, wants to enfold him in his arms so no one else can hurt him. But Jooheon doesn’t touch Hyungwon, because he knows.

He knew it was Hyungwon in the picture that went around their school. He could just tell. But he didn’t know at the time that there was anything wrong. He had no way of knowing who had taken the picture or whether Hyungwon consented to it.

But then he saw the text on Hyungwon’s phone. He pretended not to. He acted like he was trying to decide what video game they were going to play. And when Hyungwon got up and made up some excuse to go to the bathroom, Jooheon felt sick because he was a coward and he didn’t stop Hyungwon, didn’t know how to. And Hyungwon came back and saw something else on his phone and started crying. Jooheon wanted Hyungwon to tell him, to trust him. But Hyungwon didn’t. He made Jooheon promise not to tell anyone. And that was the hardest thing in the world for Jooheon to accept. Eventually, he _couldn’t_ accept it. He told the counselor – not what he suspected specifically but just that something seemed to be wrong – and he hoped that Hyungwon would trust her at least, but everything fell apart. Hyungwon lashed out at him. And then he was absent from school for a while, and Jooheon knew that it was his fault, that he had caused harm to come to Hyungwon.

And then they didn’t speak again. Hyungwon avoided him, and Jooheon thought that he just needed to give Hyungwon space and time and that maybe things would turn out okay. But then they graduated, and Jooheon, having heard nothing from Hyungwon, left for college. His mother called him about the crash, and he tried calling Hyungwon. He thought the worst, that Hyungwon had died and Jooheon hadn’t done a single thing to help him in his entire life. But his mother told him that Hyungwon had been released from the hospital, so he couldn’t be dead. He was just ignoring Jooheon because he was still angry. That was what Jooheon thought, at least.

So all he could do was thank God that Hyungwon was safe from his father now. He felt bad thanking God for someone’s death, but he couldn’t help himself. The man that had been abusing his friend for he didn’t know how long was finally gone, and maybe Hyungwon could be happy now.

He has been on edge all semester, jumping when someone tapped him, too restless to get much sleep because he was hoping that Hyungwon would contact him. And when he got a call from his mother saying that _You won’t guess who just showed up_ , he grabbed his keys and started driving.

And now Hyungwon is in front of him, only he’s not happy like Jooheon naively thought he would be. But he’s talking to Jooheon, at least, and that’s a start. He says that Jooheon has saved him twice – he doesn’t quite understand how Hyungwon has arrived at that conclusion – and he’s pinching the material of Jooheon’s jacket between two of his fingers as though it’s the world’s smallest hug, as though he’ll disappear if he lets go.

And so Jooheon reaches out and pinches Hyungwon’s jacket in the same way, squeezing as hard as he can even though he knows Hyungwon can’t feel it. And for a moment, Jooheon wonders if he’s doing this for selfish purposes – if he’s merely trying to absolve himself of the guilt he’s carried for his inaction, his failure to protect his friend from the horrors he’s suffered – but he doesn’t have an answer for himself. The guilt isn’t a lie, but their friendship isn’t either.

Hyungwon bows his head, still holding onto Jooheon’s jacket, and silver rivulets spill down his face. For a second, he looks like an angel from a fountain, impossibly sad but impossibly beautiful as well, his eyes closed and his long lashes causing shadows to spill against his cheeks. “We did it,” he says as the last of the sun disappears, its warmth spilling over his face one last time and catching on his tears before disappearing. And the moon reigns over the sky now, its pale light much softer than the sun’s, but neither of them can do the broken angel on the bench justice. “We did it,” he says once more, and he opens his eyes to catch the moon and take in the stars before turning to look at his star. “I’ve finally disappeared,” he whispers, tugging on Jooheon’s jacket, and Jooheon’s eyes tear up at the memories of bus tickets and forgotten plans.

He doesn’t know what part of himself Hyungwon has parted with, and he won’t ask. For now, he just gives a single tug back on Hyungwon’s jacket, and they stare up and count the stars.

Jooheon points out a constellation, and Hyungwon makes up a few constellations of his own. The night is theirs, and the stars shine for them alone.


	47. Chapter 47

Jooheon leans against the wall, trying not to seem anxious, but it’s an impossible task. At four o'clock sharp, the door opens and Hyungwon steps out, his therapist trailing behind him as she finishes their conversation and wishes him a nice weekend.

Hyungwon thanks her and turns to Jooheon, his eyes starting to slide down to the ground but, as though remembering the encouragement of his therapist, he drags them back up to meet Jooheon’s eyes. "Hey," he says, obviously still a bit uncomfortable at Jooheon picking him up from his therapy appointments.

"How'd it go?" Jooheon asks as they started walking. He was the one to encourage Hyungwon to continue on with therapy. He knew that Hyungwon would likely never discuss the details of his abuse with Jooheon – he’d specifically told Jooheon that “You can either be my friend or my therapist, but you can’t be both” – but he sincerely hoped that Hyungwon could tell his therapist because he needed to tell someone in order to start the process of recovery. He was also scared for Hyungwon because, from the research he'd conducted on cases similar to Hyungwon’s, it seemed that victims who had been sexually abused as children were likely to be revictimized in the future. He didn't want Hyungwon to suffer through anything else. He couldn’t fail again.

"Like normal," Hyungwon says, a short reminder to Jooheon that he isn’t ready - and might not ever be - to talk about it.

But that’s okay with Jooheon. He'll be Hyungwon's friend, in whatever capacity Hyungwon will let him.

They exit the building and begin walking in the opposite direction from Hyungwon's home. Hyungwon still avoids riding in cars, not because he is afraid of another crash but because he doesn’t want to trigger memories of his father, or at least, that’s Jooheon’s assumption. But Jooheon doesn’t mind the walk.

After Jooheon picks Hyungwon up from his therapy appointment each week, they walk to Jooheon’s house, where Hyungwon is invited in to have dinner with their family. It’s partially Jooheon’s way of keeping people in Hyungwon’s life since he has no family of his own, but it’s more than that. Jooheon has talked it over with Hyungwon’s therapist in private, and they think that if Hyungwon is exposed to a normal family with positive relationships, then maybe he’ll be able to acclimate better if he wants to start his own family one day.

Jooheon doesn’t tell his parents all the details – certainly not Minjae and Minjun because they are too young – but he gives them the broad strokes, just enough detail to prevent them from asking Hyungwon questions that might hurt him. And he’s always loved his parents dearly, but he finds an even greater magnitude of love for them when he watches them treat Hyungwon like their own son.

He sees how tentative Hyungwon is at first, how strange and frightening the concept of a family – a real, normal family – might be, but he grows a little in confidence each week. He notices that Hyungwon can’t quite look his father in the eyes yet, but he gets along well with Minjae and Minjun, asking them questions and listening as they ramble on about everything from school drama to the bird they almost caught. Jooheon is surprised to realize that Hyungwon is actually very good with children, and he thinks that maybe it’s because of Mi-Yeon’s influence, so he tries to get Hyungwon to hang out with Minjae and Minjun whenever they have time.

Sometimes, Hyungwon complains to Jooheon about all the extra attention Jooheon is giving him, but it’s all Jooheon knows how to do. He’s a worrier like his mom, and he can’t help but try to fill the holes in Hyungwon’s life. He knows he’ll have to return to college at some point, but he needs to know that Hyungwon can treat Jooheon’s family like his own before he leaves. That way, Hyungwon will always have someone to lean on even if Jooheon isn’t around.

But he doesn’t want to think about leaving just yet.

\--

Hyungwon comes out of his therapist’s room next week with red eyes, and Jooheon’s chest hurts over the fact that, even though Hyungwon’s abuser is gone, his influence continues to live on and consume Hyungwon.

Hyungwon’s therapist stops in the doorframe, and instead of wishing Hyungwon a nice weekend as usual, she looks over at Jooheon, her eyes trying to convey that Hyungwon has had a rough session, but of course Jooheon already knows that. “I know you two are probably hungry, but I think Hyungwon has to stop at home to do something first.”

Jooheon looks over at Hyungwon, surprised since Hyungwon didn’t mention anything about it earlier, but he just nods and thanks the therapist before they start walking. This time, they walk to Hyungwon’s house, and he takes a deep breath before the door and fiddles with the key, turning the knob a certain way and shouldering the door open.

This is the first time he’s ever been to Hyungwon’s house, he realizes. His first impression is that it’s dark. When Hyungwon flicks on the light switch – Jooheon gets the feeling that it’s more for him than Hyungwon – his opinion doesn’t change altogether that much. The house is clean but in a sad way; there’s nothing lying out to give the house personality, to showcase its resident. Just a few blankets on the couch and a night light plugged into the wall.

“Stay here,” Hyungwon says before disappearing further into the house. Jooheon takes the opportunity to look around, but he doesn’t learn anything. He always thought that if he saw how Hyungwon lived, then everything would make sense. But it doesn’t.

Hyungwon returns a few minutes later with a small box between his hands. His fingers are gripping the edges so tightly that his fingers are white, and Jooheon doesn’t know what’s in the box, but he knows that it’s painful for Hyungwon.

He doesn’t ask though; just waits for Hyungwon to decide whether or not to tell him.

“They’re pictures,” Hyungwon says softly, his eyes staying on Jooheon’s as though trying to assess his reaction. “Of me.” He sucks in a breath and holds it, his chest shaking. “He would take them. After...”

Jooheon understands even though he doesn’t want to, and he nods sharply, letting Hyungwon know that he’s said enough, that he doesn’t have to explain anything.

Hyungwon’s hands are shaking now too, and he almost drops the box. “Do you...want to see them?” he asks, and his voice is quiet, so quiet.

Jooheon stills. He doesn’t know why Hyungwon has offered, but he knows that any answer he gives will hurt Hyungwon. If he says yes, then Hyungwon will think Jooheon is like his abuser, ready to use his relationship with Hyungwon and his trust to manipulate him. But if he says no – he wants to say no – then Hyungwon will interpret that to mean that Jooheon is sickened by him. And Jooheon _is_ sickened by the thought of what’s in the box, but he’s disgusted by the man behind the camera, not the boy in front of it.

Carefully, Jooheon reflects the question back. “Do you want me to see them?”

His answer seems to relieve Hyungwon just a bit; he’s still shaking, but his eyes have lost that look of helplessness. “No,” he says after a minute, looking down at the box as though he can see every photo without having to open it.

“Then I won’t,” Jooheon says, and it takes effort to stay still and not move to comfort Hyungwon, but he knows that he can’t.

Hyungwon just stares at the box for a minute as though lost, but then he looks up and swallows. “My therapist said that...that maybe I should burn them. And that way they’ll be gone forever, and that it will maybe be like they never existed in the first place.” His eyes tell Jooheon though that of course the pictures will always have existed, that Hyungwon will never forget.

But Jooheon likes the idea of burning them. Maybe it will bring Hyungwon some peace, even just to know that they’re gone, that he will never have to worry about someone finding them. “Let’s burn them,” Jooheon says, allowing a small smile to fill his face, and Hyungwon seems surprised, but he nods.

Jooheon grabs a metal trash can from the kitchen and digs through a few drawers before he finds some paper in the form of takeout menus. “Can we use these?” he asks, holding them up, and Hyungwon nods, watching Jooheon but not saying anything.

Jooheon finds the matches in the last cabinet he searches, and he brings everything he’s collected over to the trash can, crumpling up the paper and tossing it in before lighting a match and dropping it. The flame catches, and the house feels alive for the first time since entering with the soft whisper of crackling fire and the smell of warmth.

“Well?” Jooheon asks, turning to Hyungwon.

He seems to be hesitating for some reason, staring down at the box in horror but unable to take the final step and throw it in the flames.

“Burning them won’t make you forget,” Jooheon says, his voice only just louder than the fire. “But I bet it would piss him off if he knew.”

And the smile on Hyungwon’s face is small and slow to grow, but he gives a small nod and flicks the clasp on the box, opening the lid. His confidence seems to flicker when he sees the first photo, and his hand freezes.

“Just think,” Jooheon says. “This is the last time you’ll ever see it.”

The words give Hyungwon the push he needs to pick it up, and he looks at the picture one last time, his face drawn with shame and loss, and then he throws it into the fire. He watches the whole time as the photo warps and shrivels, and when it’s gone, he looks up at Jooheon.

He doesn’t say anything, but he gives a small exhale, like he’s been holding his breath all this time because he didn’t believe that it would ever go away.

The exhalation gives Jooheon joy because he knows that with one simple action, Hyungwon was able to lighten the weight on his shoulders. “Well?” Jooheon asks, gesturing toward the rest of the box with a small smile. “What are you waiting for?”

And so Hyungwon begins throwing more photos to the flames. For each one, he stares at the photo first as though memorizing it, as though forcing himself to see it and then acknowledge that it’s over, that he will never be put in that position again. Then he feeds it to the fire and moves on to the next.

Jooheon watches them burn, wanting to make sure that there is nothing left to remind Hyungwon of them. Every now and then, he sees flashes of photos that the fire hasn’t gotten to yet. Bare skin and lidded eyes. He tries not to look too closely because he knows Hyungwon doesn’t want Jooheon to see him like that. Soon, they’re all lost to the fire, and Hyungwon is just staring at the empty box.

“What’s wrong?” Jooheon asks, panic flickering in his chest as Hyungwon looks up at him with teary eyes.

“They’re all gone,” he whispers, and he lets the empty box drop to the ground. A second passes as the sound hits his ears, and then he’s smiling, tilting his head up to the ceiling as relieved tears spill down his cheeks. “They’re gone,” he repeats, laughing in disbelief, and then he looks at Jooheon, and he’s so vulnerable in this moment that Jooheon feels like he should look away, like he shouldn’t be allowed to see Hyungwon like this, but he doesn’t look away, just meets his gaze. “Thank you,” Hyungwon says.

Jooheon doesn’t reply because he doesn’t deserve Hyungwon’s thanks. Hyungwon owes him nothing. Jooheon’s just doing what he should have had the strength to do years ago.

Hyungwon watches the fire for a while longer, and then they go to Jooheon’s house to eat dinner with his family.

\--

The story comes out in small pieces and sporadic recollections over the years. Jooheon never pressures Hyungwon to tell him, but he waits for moments when the light in Hyungwon’s eyes gutters out, and then he listens as Hyungwon tells him. Never the full story, but bits and pieces. A coloring page. A camping trip. A red bike. On one particularly sad occasion, Hyungwon tells him the story of a Wednesday. Jooheon listens to Hyungwon, and he cries with Hyungwon. Sometimes he has to remind Hyungwon that he has worth – incredible, inestimable worth – and other times, he has to emphasize to Hyungwon that he _is_ making progress, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Hyungwon gradually regains some of what he’s lost. He retrieves the coloring Mi-Yeon did for him, and he keeps it folded up in his wallet. He goes to the beach for a weekend with Jooheon, Minjae, and Minjun, and he’s able to take his shirt off the second day to go swimming. But there are other things that he will never get back. Jooheon notices how Hyungwon flinches whenever he hears a camera shutter and how he refuses to appear in any photos. How he can’t seem to break the habit of adding ammonia to his wash. As far as Jooheon knows, Hyungwon sleeps on his couch every night rather than sleeping in his own bed.

He knows the road to recovery is a long one, but he promises that he will guide Hyungwon. And so Hyungwon endures the arduous process of healing, navigating by his star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Please support my search for happiness: ko-fi.com/nobodyimportant


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